Yashitori babe...verbal diarrhea in Australia (melbourne & perth)
Sunday, November 04, 2007
random thots
dear Bloggie
Thank God for yee may's prayer today. For once in this whole struggling semester, i was able to pour out my heart's struggles and become broken before God. This is a struggling semester for me mainly due to my research delay and mainly becoz i felt like i have no support system here. Everyone who was part of my support system in semester 1 have either gone back to malaysia or have been mutiplied into other cell groups or have backslided. I have been having difficulty trusting God for the past few weeks as my prayers have seem to go unanswered. Or maybe my mind is too distracted to be able to listen to His voice. Whatever it is, i have not given up on God becos I have seen how my life has turned around because He entered into my life 6yrs ago. Even though i had to take the extreme measure of complaining to the head of school in Curtin before finally being able to collect my data, i still believe God has a purpose in this. This semester has tested me mentally and psychologically in several ways and i thank God in advance for his promises. Today i broke down before yee may (my zone supervisor) and it touched me that she cried together with me. I felt like she understood what i had gone thru. Everyoen else seems to think its a bed of roses for me with no tests, assignments or exams this semester. To everyone else, they do not understand what it takes to write a thesis and how depressing and traumatising it can get to wait continually for several weeks to mths on 1 person to allow data collection to occur. Yee May's prayer was a prayer in my heart to God that i cannot seem to verbalise myself. This shows that in difficult times, God will send people to bring us back on path. I also served in usher today and saw so many new faces that i hadnt seen 4 weeks ago before i went to msia, praise the Lord. =) Ushering was a challenge today. Had many chairs to move out of the rows and carry to the back of the church. There were also not enough ushers today hence each of us had to cover more than the usual number of rows before church began and during the offering. Today a friend of mine has totally made me confused. She said she will be serving today and i even gave her a wake up call at 715am which she answered. After that all calls or sms to her had not been answered even up til now 430pm. I dun understand. She hasnt been attending church and cell due to work and school committments. But today she has no work nor sch stuff to rush and yet she didnt show up and didnt provide any warning to the usher in charge whom she promised to come. I dun understand....furthermore we were once quite close. But now its always hot and cold from her side. I dunno whats wrong and when i see her, its like she has no problem and talks normally. So i dun understand. Is there a problem? quite alot of people ask me in church today abt her and i tot they shld noe better since i was in msia. she says shes usually ill on sunday or cant sleep well the night before. For a few weeks consistently ? but she is a firm believer in God. So how do i approach her or talk to her now? that aside, i had a good indonesian lunch w yeemay and mingchoon (my ex cell leader). Then not feeling totally full, we had yummy baskin robbins icecream. I love australia chocolate..so yummy....=)..
life is like .............bowling....... we got to stay focussed in order to hit all the pins.... Last night, i was having 3 games of bowling w Aa. Being an amateur, Aa who is quite an expert taught me some basics like where i should stand and approach the lane, how i should keep the momentum while walking towards the lane to throw the ball, which arrow i shld aim the ball at, how i should bent at my knees and not at my hips in lowering the ball ...... So much to learn. I am not much of a multitasker hence whenever he tell me sth new, i will do worse coz i concentrate so much on the one thing and forget the rest...but i am proud to say tt at the end of 3games, i finish w a final score of 62 at the third game...v good for me le lor! I realised that practice does make perfect but only with appropriate techniques i.e practice in the right way. My posture was much better and i felt more confident. I had played bowling with lisa, alec and tris before...but i never learnt it the right way hence i only strike or spare occasionally based on pure luck. =p... bowling is fun !! I wanna do it again soon! heee...
just got back from a weekend at malacca. first time at malacca so it was an eye opener for me. In every sense, the eye opening was in terms of food ! Its too bad i cant seem to upload the pics at this time. below is the list of good food! In jonker st 1) durian ba bao ice kachang - jonker st 2) durian chendol - jonker st >> speciality is the gula malaka and thickness of the coconut sauce ! yummy..... 3) suan pan zi 4) fried carrot cake > yummier than spore!
After jonker st, we proceeded to have food again ! stalls that were existing since 15yrs agooo ... 1) wanton mee : very very well done. the noodles are just nicely cooked , the soup was fantastic. basically its the best wanton mee i had ever eaten. 2) oyster omelette : alot for just rm 5. i love it alot too ....very generous amts of eggs and oysters...and chilli sauce
At portugese square 1) salt pepper baked crabs ! 2 meaty crabs for just rm 38! 2) battered fried cuttlefish ! very lightly battered , good oil used ! 3) baked fish..super fresh and meaty 4) fried sambal kangkong all these plus a large bottle of beer , watermelon juice and rice ...all for just RM 98! super cheap!
no kidding man, i think i put on a few kilos this week ....furthermore still got buy all the yummy bei tei soh , sesame sweets and muruku back home.....!!! the muruku is super nice ! best i have ever eaten too ...never ate muruku in spore. Aaron introduced it to me and since then i think i can tell which are good and not good. for those who r clueness ..muruku is a fried snack, tt looks like stick and yellowish in color. would post pictures of the food when i can !! =)
the breakfast group haha gary, jack, adeline, sarah, me, naryn and jon pancakes w berry sauce and maple syrup ! looks better than it tastes thou. cuppuccino ! look at the foam! (envy me aaron *evil laughter*) me and naryn dear poached eggs (which i tink look like bursting eyeballs) on top of salmon on muffins
Had breakfast today at Farrells vic park. NAryn heard tt breakfast was good and even had to make a reservation . When we arrived, the place was full of people. However, the food was disappointing. I was disappointed with my pancakes ! I prefer fast eddys pancakes..haha.... well but it was nice to have breakfast together on a saturday. I am so happy i can upload photos now! for a while, my internet cant allow me to upload photos onto this blog hence there hasnt been any photos on this blog for a while ..hehehe .... really cant stand my hair now. seems so lopsided. One side super short and one side long. meant to look like victoria beckham style and i hate it ..hahaha prob coz i dun have a face like victoria beckham to carry it off ....hahaha ....
today i did something different... haha i went to watch a movie by myself ! It was great ! I wanted to watch STARDUST when i saw its trailer a few weeks back and realising i still had a 10 dollar ticket for a show , i went today after dropping off 2 parcels as birthday gifts for 2 friends...the postage cost like 1/4 of the gift! hahaha ... Bought a combo of regular popcorn and a drink in a nice plastic cartoon cup, i rushed into the cinema as the movie had started. i hardly could see a thing as it was pitch black and the fact tt the scene then was a dark scene didnt help much. I was so afraid i will sit on someone coz i cldnt even see the sits nor the people and had to feel around like a blind woman. haha ... the show was good! i think i dun have high expectations for movies generally. But there was a shocker in the movie which i hadnt known from the trailer. The name of the lead man is ..........TRISTAN . What is with this name these days. It was hardly heard around 1 yr ago..then suddenly 2 blockbusters have their lead man name tristan. duh....tristan wld surely catch this show if he knows this. When i told Lisa, she was saying how maybe God wants me to reach a pt in time when i dun get uncomfortable hearing this name. hahaha .... anyway i love such shows. SHows with a little fairy tale and wonderland and magic in them. Clare danes was really pretty in the show. She was the star literally hahaha...watch it to know what i mean.... these days have been working on my thesis. Writing the parts tt do not really require the data from the data collection. Realised how hard and mentally tiring it is. SO much reading and research to do and always having the fear of going out of pt. My writing has never been good and this time with 15000-25000 words to write, the risk of going out of pt is super high. I had to keep reminding myself of my research title but yet i still get confused if this is the same as tt meaning etc. Right now there is a possibility of me being delayed. I have not gotten permission to collect data. As usual nick my supervisor is passive. And i am pretending to be patiently waiting for permission. According to the honours program, i am supp to hand in my thesis by 31 oct which is next mth. With data not collected yet and the fact tt the data collection process is not usually smooth going, i am pretty sure my deadline needs to be extended. Dr PAt says tt the other 2 honours student r extending their deadline till next feb. But i cant afford to extend till then becoz i am not local, i got visa restrictions plus i am on a scholarship ! Dr Pat says tt i prob can do my writing back in spore if its really delayed. Which may be a good idea. Right now, i am just doing what i can, doing my best...no more doing casual or gym, just writing and research !!!!! FOCUS is the priority now. WORK HARD and enjoy the blessings of not having the stresses of work or parenting hahahah . I can complain so much abt being bored but at the end of the day , there r little blessings like i can sleep anytime i want, wake up anytime i want now...once i start work...i was telling aaron tt i have to wake up 4plus in the morning for AM shifts ....aaron works from 8am to 7pm ....i am glad i dun need to slog like tt for now...woohoooo hahaha
last night was a night of severe pains and miracles. I went to bed at 12am with feelings of nauseousness At 3am i awoke from severe pain which intensified on and off. In the beginning it was so painful tt i tot i was going to die. I even wanted to call an ambulance. As a nurse, i was telling myself, it is just pain, just tolerate it. the doctors cant do much for abdominal pains anyway, the emergency dept is too expensive and i noe the ones in spore make u wait forever esp w abd pain its low priority no matter how pain it is.Is it a temporary pain or is some bug really eating up my intestines? The pain was so bad tt the christian aspect of me was telling God " god i will never anyhow eat again le. Just take away the pain. Please God i will take care of my diet from now on, please help me ..." i had never had such intense pains before. Its indescribable. I couldnt even stand or come out of bed without difficulty and had to crawl to the toilet. And since i had experiences of food poisoning before, i knew this wasnt food poisoning. I dunno how i did it, but i crawled to my laptop and googled for the symptoms of indigestion and appendicitis. Learnt before but forgot le haha. the symptoms matched indigestion more than appendicities to my relief. But the pain was too intense for it to be indigestion i was thinking. hahaah so funny..in the midst of pain, can still google search. issit such a nurse thing to do or does it just make me wierd haha ..hahah..makes me laugh thinking of it.... I didnt wake my housemates coz i didnt wanna make them worry unless if one of them is a doctor than of coz wake up la... hahah the pain continued on and off till 430am until i cannot tolerate anymore than i called my friend to bring me to the hospital. On the way to the hospital, there wasnt anymore pain....but my friend still insisted we go ahead since this other friend came all the way to pick me up le. At the royal perth emergency dept, i was registered and i felt quite silly. Coz i didnt have the pains anymore.....Praise the Lord. In the end , i opted not to see the doctor le. If the pains come back , i will just go see the GP. Its a miracle. coz after tt i was still able to eat bacon, eggs etc for breakfast. I felt so bad for troubling two friends for what seems like nothing. But honestly i comtemplated v long before deciding to go . I guess if i hadnt contemplated so long, i might be at emergency requiring some drug to take the pain away. This marks my first time going to the emergency department in the middle of the night. Come to think of it, i am a v healthy person. Never had any hospital history or history of fainting and i hardly fall ill.. sometimes the silly side of me wanna get some kind of sickness and suffer thru it and then get well so that i can understand how sick people really feel. No matter how in my position as a nurse tt i try to empathize with my patients conditions and feelings, my lack of similar experiences means i can sometimes take their pain or feelings lightly. Pain is something very subjective. No one can feel another person's pain. Prob from the increase in heart rate, blood pressure, perspiration, paleness etc you can tell the suffering the person is getting from the pain, but other than tt there is nothing to indicate for sure. Indians have a low low threshold of pain and screams before u touch them. The thought of u touching them is painful enough. Chinese generally do not express their pain as much as the pain they r going thru. ' ai4 mian4 zi3'. hahaha ..just speaking from experience and from school haha...they teach this in sch...=p anyway thank God for taking away the pain, for turning my condition 360 degrees around as if it never happened and for sending me 2 angels Janica and Kenny who wake up at 4plus in the morning to send me to royal perth. I still have a little pain on and off. but its like 1 on a scale of 10 ..so its nothing...i can still eat as usual and work as usual. Just tt i am staying home. Not going out or exert myself physically in any way. Being overseas, away from family is really being independent. I struggle alot and during times like this, it is when i realise how impt friends are and i also realise how in Singapore since family is always all around, it is so easy for me to take little things for granted. since i started writing this entry, i tink i had released gas more than 15times le. Am i being too full of air? wahahha..ok shldnt be so explicit in a public blog...
today i am quite frustrated. In fact i am very frustrated and unhappy with my supervisor Nick. He hasnt sought permission for me to collect my data from the 10 general practice clinics. As if its not bad enough that he contributed less than 1% to my proposal... i can go on and on about him..but God reminded me....to find joy in tribulations. I was just sharing w my friend and housemate Jolin how purposeless i feel. Like nothing to work towards. Feel lost and alone. God just reminded me in his word that all my days on earth is purposeful even when i cannot see how in psalm 23. God never fails. His goodness and mercy are mine even in times when i feel alone. I really want to find Joy in this difficult circumstances. To not let it overcome me and make me a bitter and unforgiving person towards Nick. My sistor suggested for me to write a formal letter of complain to the sch. But i still feel things will work out. I may not recommend Curtin to other people anymore, but i wld feel bad writing a letter of complain coz i do like my director of honours study. Honestly, my supervisor is really alot of Sh*t. His co worker even shared w me in confidence how if she waited for him to do anything, it will never be done. I wish i didnt have to wait for him lor. I wish i had the authority to seek permission myself and get my research work going. I prayed that by the end of this week a miracle will happen and Nick wld seriously sought permission and not just say he will and by this week we will get permission so i can start collecting data next week. Please keep me in prayers....I am sure that i chose to do acute care and hence get put under Nick (who is new to supervising also plus lazy and slack) for a purpose. I want to believe there is a purpose in this and at the end of the day i want to believe i can still get a breakthrough result! Becoz i trust God will help me. someone who i want to thank...
Jolin...thank you for your listening ear, your responses, your love, your concern, your head massage and for plucking my white hairs and listening to my corny stupid jokes and hearing my super loud laughter like a mad woman. hahaah...thank you for keeping your door open when i feel alone. thank you for believing i can do it when i stop believing. hugzzzz....love ya!!
judging from my title...this entry is mainly about the movie NO RESERVATIONS starring Catherine Zeta Jones and Aaron Eckhart. I never liked Catherine Zeta Jones coz i think she is very yaya papaya hahah and of coz tts due to all the bad stuff i read abt her tantrums . hee...but then this show is a good show! I wonder if Singapore is showing it already. Australia can be slower or faster but generally slower in releasing movies than Singapore. Life isnt always made to order...this line follows in small fonts after the title in the movie's poster. Catherine Zeta Jones acts as a master chef Kate Armstrong who runs the kitchen in a upscale restaurant. She is of a perfectionist nature and all her dishes are prepared to perfection. Now tt i tink of it, it kind of reminds me of myself and girls in general (becoz i tink now girls are mostly perfectionistic, supported by facts and statistics..Ive been reading! hehe) As i am not a natural writer, i shall type what the movie brochure says abt the show..
' kate's perfectionist nature is put to the test when a brash new sous chef joins her staff, the high spirited and free wheeling Nick Palmer. A rising culinary star himself, Nick favours opera while working and loves to make everyone around him laugh. His casual approach to both life and cuisine couldn't be more different than Kate's, yet the chemistry between them is undeniable...as is the discord..."
hahah Nick act reminds me of tristan. Free spirited and having a casual approach to life, loves to make everyone around him laugh....and Kate is quite like myself. A perfectionist. I realise in a r/s there has to be someone more free spirited. Less serious. With A, i tink i am less serious, though by nature i still think alot. But i tell more stupid jokes and when i first knew him, i was a very bouncy and happy kind of character. Always smiling, always believing God will work things out, give him hair washes salon style w massages on the head and all.....A keeps me grounded. I think people may think i am a serious and grounded person. Do You? i dunno. But maybe the fact tt i think alot may give people tt impression. But in actual fact, i am a very airy person. I have alot of idealizations and dreams and tend to have the idea tt nothing is too hard....I strongly respect men who are hard working. Whatever situation or background, being willing to work hard and earn a living for oneself and one's loved ones is the most important trait i think my partner should have after the fact tt he must be someone who loves God. A is exactly such a person. Practical and down to earth... Life really isnt always made to order, we cant say we want our life to be a certain way and it will be tt way...a little bump here and there may change the course tt we take....it may cause us to overturn, crash and die or it may just cause us to stumble a little but still be able to continue the jouney.....adaptability and being able to accept things and people and myself for not being perfect is impt ......thank God for a good sunday, a meaningful talk and prayer with mingchoon in church, a good shopping spree w Kylie and red rooster burger dinner and a good talk with my super sis eliza and for A who is always telling me the right things. Hold no reservations on giving thanks ...hahah ....
red bull gives you wings >> hahahaha the reason for this title is coz i tink the ad in perth that says ' red bull gives you wings' is quite true. I had a can of red bull at 1pm yesterday before my woundcare class at silver chain in order to stay alert. And the last time i had one was several yrs ago when i was studying my A levels .hahaha ...Last night or rather this morning i slept at 530am and woke up at 9am. In total > 3.5hrs. I feel abit stoned now but i have to settle a few things. Feel so unsettled esp after my last wound care class yesterday. I need to start data collection plsss.....can Nick or Kerlyn give me a clue on when or where can i start ? I dun want to waste any more time already !! Can u believe its already almost september, i am graduating in early december and i havent even started the basis of research ! the data collection! When i wanted to start in June, they say proposal not good enough. So edit edit edit then got it approved in July. The series of 'procrastinations' are as follows : MaY: proposal June: proposal sent for review Late June: proposal not good enough, to edit Early July: approved (Yippee....naively tot can finally start data collection) Mid July: cannot start yet ( kerlyn says must take woundcare modules then i can be qualified to observe and interview general practice nurses on their wound care skills and knowledge) August: wound care classes (only 4 classes, but once a week ! so means stretch for 1 whole month) End of Aug: end wound care class. Tried contacting Nick (who is usually uncontactable though he is my direct supervisor..ok i shouldnt even go there man....God help me.....) to no avail and contacted kerlyn ( who i feel so bad to contact coz she is a super clever, busy woman ..director of this and that, and she is not even supp to be involved in my project...) Kerlyn just said she will call me back in an Hr. must have caught her in a meeting. Feel bad again. Where is NIck !
Subway at Village green contacted me about the application i sent thru ages ago. They just renovated and wanna start hiring again. I am at odds. I do not know how much more time do i have spare. Furthermore i still have the one at carousel which only gave me a 6 hr shift this thursday! Thats why i wanna take up the village green one. It opens 7 days a week morning till night. So i can work longer if i got more spare time and have more savings ! Been trying to save save save. Its a pact i made with myself. Save at least 5K this semester. Rest of the spare cash can use to buy nice things for people. Gota go change one of the ties i bot today. I love the exchange policy here...v flexible. Do you ever have any time when u buy something and it looked so good at the store, but when you bring it home, it looked so awful, u'll think why the H** did i buy it in the first place? hahah thats what happened to me....
As i was writing this, i felt wierd. I hardly write random daily routine thoughts down...haha ..red bull works funny..
冷咖啡离开了杯垫 As the cold coffee leaves the coaster 我忍住的情绪在很后面 I desperately tried to hold my emotions far behind
拼命想挽回的从前 Fighting hard to restore the past
在我脸上依旧清晰可见 On my face you can still see ever so clearly
最美的不是下雨天 that rainy day wasn’t the most beautiful
是曾与你躲过雨的屋檐 oh~~ It’s the shelters that I once shared with you in the rain
回忆的画面 The pictures in my memory
在荡着秋千 梦开始不甜 While on the swings dreams become less sweet
你说把爱渐渐 放下会走更远 You told me that by gradually letting go I’d be able to go further
又何必去改变已错过的时间 and why bother changing the times that you’ve missed
你用你的指尖 阻止我说再见 you used your fingertip to stop me from saying goodbye
想像你在身边在完全失去之前 imaging you being by my side before you completely disappear
你说把爱渐渐 放下会走更远 You told me that by gradually letting go I’d be able to go further
或许命运的签 只让我们遇见 Perhaps life’s destiny only allowed us to meet
只让我们相恋 这一季的秋天 (and) Only allowed us to love this one season of fall
飘落後才发现 这幸福的碎片 only after the pieces drifted down that I realized these are the pieces of happiness
要我怎麼捡 How do i pick them up
this is Jay chou's latest song and i love it. Thank you sharine for sending me the song file ! =) definately cant get the album here in perth lor ! hee
i love Jay chou. I tink i have never liked any singer as much as i like him. I have all his albums on my itunes , ipod and realplayer..haha ....i tink his songs are all meaningful and i love his MTVS esp 'feng' ..my super duper favourite! the mtv for feng is linked to another mtv for a song by another chinese male singer which i cant rem his name or the song. one of Jay's good friend. All of Jay's songs got some story behind it. Even the ones on the paparazzi or his mom or his grandma....hee..tts why i like him. He is a sweet guy haha
Aaron is really sweet too. Knowing how much i liked it, He went to learn the song and sang it along with guitar over msn .... The super thing is tt his chinese is not fantastic and yet he learned it so well tt he can sing the lyrics like a true blue china man hahahaha....of coz his guitar skills is as usual very good (miss hearing him play for cell group...) ....clapclap aaron..good job..hahaha very touching....except the part when he 'arrrghhh ' at the end whahaha .....thanks for all the effort dude...kekeke...
Its such a different feeling that i come with before i started writing this entry. Mainly happy for the first time in 3 weeks. People like klessis and Gary and Sabie and lisa would know some of the things i have been struggling with and i am very thankful for people like them who are always around for me no matter how far i am in distance.
Indeed after the past few weeks, it seems i realised for the first time that i am a rather or very complicated person. Hahaha...i was quite shocked to hear gary say " yah we all know " ..hahah then i was like ..." errr....who is we? " seems like only i have been living in self ignorance. haha ..ignorant of how complex i am. My biggest flaw is > i think too much . Especially when i am living in a boring place like perth haha.
For the past few weeks, i have been thinking alot, to the point of excessive negative thinking.Thinking and wanting to go back to the past, regretting coming on this scholarship, regretting breaking up with tristan, being sad that he seems to have moved on and here i am being pathetic and silly and having hope of getting back when i was the one who wanted to end it, struggling with the current relationship and having alot of self created doubts abt it, thinking nobody cares at all, that i have no friends, wanting to live in isolation in my room away from everybody, not answering calls, not going church, not praying, overeating on junk food at night and feeling bad, overworking at subway, etcetc .....
by being so honest in such a public blog (which is not like multiply and i cant restrict it to certain people) about my near depression and stupidity and lack of faith in God is like being near nakedness in public....but i purposely wrote it all down for all who care to see because i want to admit my struggles and show how if i can walk thru it and come out victorious, anyone who go thru similar situations can also do the same. I tink one of my good points is that i can be quite open and honest with my thoughts because i know nobody is perfect. And i embrace the fact that i am imperfect and totally believe that confessing my mistakes and sins to people and God is the first step in the process of solving the problem and not allowing the problem get a hold on me.
Everything is a choice. God gives me choices and when i am unable to hear God, God sends people to help me. But at the end of the day, these people cannot do anything for me. Only i can choose to step out of all that depressing S*** . Right now, i have chosen and i am happy. The next time round when it hits me again, it will hit me less hard becoz i will be well prepared with the word of God, with the reminders of the good in me and with the support of special people.
Tristan was a good guy. He is the best supporter to me for almost 5 years and hence it is very hard for me to move on. I have experienced first hand what serious breaking up is like and the different stages of grieving over losing someone special. The lost of the physical and emotional connection is like losing a loved one to death. It had been a heart breaking period for me and it doesnt help that it is super boring perth. I had been grieving, going thru the stages of denial over the lost, sadness, anger, having false hope etc.
I am definately not new to grieving for i had lost my bestest frend of 7 years rachel wu sikorski to a drowning accident. that was in 1999. Its been 8 years already, and still i always think of her. Think of all the good things in her. I even bought a keyring with her name on it because i felt all the qualities written on the key ring was what she is like. delightful, easy going, ever present smile, helpful when a hand is needed, can be counted on in times of need, hard working, loving, gentle, kind to all, personifies patience and compassion. I had really loved this friend. We spent 1 -2mths studying together for O levels. Slept on the same bed and ate at the same table for tt 2 mths. and 1 mth later she passes away when we had promised to go on a cruise to celebrate together. It breaks my heart just thinking of how wonderful she is and how i wished she was still around.
Losing tristan was like losing another rachel. maybe 90% of rachel. He was my boyfriend and bestest friend of almost 5years after rachel and i felt i had lost him to God's plan. So if up till now i can still get sad and cry over rachel wu, then how will it be like with tristan. Of coz i will and probably have found the life partner God has intended to be more suitable for me, however it doesnt mean i cannot still remember the good old days and cry over the lost like i do for rachel. Losing someone special is part and parcel of life. and through the grieving process, God is strengthening me to be a stronger woman.
I have always counted my empatheticness to be my biggest strength. I am able to be put myself in the shoes of other people and feel their hurts and sadness for all of its worth. Its not just knowing tt people are sad and hurt. I can literally feel it like they r feeling it. Through my grieve and the hurts i have gone thru in life, i know for sure tt God is only using them to increase my ability to empathize. And thats why God has called me into Nursing. To be a healer. I believe through my sensitivity and compassion for sick people, for people down and out , i can be a part of their healing to wholeness. And living an imperfect life, a life of hurts and disappointments means i can relate to people who face the same things. I know there are many many out there facing bigger issues, and i used to feel bad for feeling so depressed over my little issues. But somehow i had this revelation that my issues are big to me now because i had never faced bigger ones. And slowly God is increasing my capacity to face bigger issues and help other people with similar issues.
This has been such a complicated entry that probably only reinforces the fact tt i think alot. hee...
Dear friends back in Singapore, SOrry i havent been updating my blog as much as i should coz i know some of you only get updates of me from my blog. I have got good news to share which some of you migh already know............ I HAVE DECIDED TO GO BACK TO SINGAPORE AT THE END OF THIS YEAR to complete my 6 years of bond. haha maybe this doesnt come as a surprise to some people who do not know that i am comptemplating staying on in Australia. Well...i shouldnt proclaim this dishonourable thing out loud also. So there i am going back to Singapore ! hee i cant wait ! a few months ago, i was like anti Singapore. MAny people here thought i was malaysian which is a compliment to me. haha...somehow the malaysians feel Singaporeans are competitive, demanding and speaks in a not so easy going way. So..haha...i guess i am a good singaporean. Sometimes it just takes one single person to ruin the impression of others on their home country. Like my ex housemate from dubai...ok i shall not bad mouth anybody here. But you should really see how extremely dirty she is. Dig her ears till the cotton bud ends r black and then leave the cotton buds around the sink when the dustbin is 1feet away? okok..theres alot more, but i shall not grouse anyone more. hahaha ...so complaining v bad. Recently a friend and spiritual mentor of mine told me this from Dr AR Bernard " the main reason for a man's downfall is DISCONTENTMENT" . The good thing about sharing my heart with this friend is that i don't feel like i will be judged even though she is a spiritual leader. SHe has true conviction with the verse in the bible that says we shouldnt judge others becoz Jesus does not judge us. Anyway about the verse, it struck a chord in my heart. Discontentment, i tink i have alot of that recently. I havent been thankful enough to God. Thankful for the little and big things that He has given me. I shall attempt to list the things i shall be thankful for 1) being given a scholarship and monthly allowance 2) being overseas to experience overseas life no matter how tough it is .. 3) having mostly good housemates who i can talk to and spend time with 4) having a place to stay in 5) having a casual job at subway where i get a free subway sandwich after each shift and where i get to meet difficult customers and australian colleagues. I also get extra pocket money to spend on the things i want 6) having a supportive family who is always giving me advice that i need and help and bringing me to eat and bringing me my stuff from Singapore when they visit 7) friends in SIngapore who continue to keep in contact with me. 8) lisa > this friend i really am grateful for. I called her yesterday at 545pm to just ask if she can help me do a new pair of spectacles so my family can bring over next monday, and she did it all and got the spectacles by 10pm despite the fact tt she was going for a show and dinner to celebrate 2 freinds birthday. Thats very impressive and v touching. This is what i call going all out for a friend in need. Sometimes i think i havent appreciated her enough. Its like proximity breeds comtempt. How best friends knowing each other so much that the little flaws become big. I know i have lots of flaws too and i really need to remind myself tt i am not perfect either. 9) sabrina > a really good friend, even at work or doing overtime, she will talk to me and ask me how i am and provide godly and good advice. Sometimes her advices r so good, they make me cry becoz they r the things i refuse to do but know i should. Sabrina is a beautiful person. her beautiful character shines out like nobody i know. 10) klessis > hhahaa my spiritual mentor and leader. Always concerned about me and always catching up on people's lives by making an effort to read people's blogs no matter how busy she is with church work and little Joey. Sometimes i also think i dun appreciate her enough. I was even complaining to sabie one time tt i feel like nobody cares abt me in Singapore. When i realised that people do still remember me and even mention me during cell refreshments etc, ifeel so bad for even having a doubt tt nobody remembers me. 11) people like sharine, xiangcen, xiaowei and of coz gary..who i noe still catches me on this blog...
there ..easily more than 10 things to be thankful for and probably even more if i continue to think .....thank you God for all these things...forgive me for being discontented and faithless..
Recently i have been quite stressed. I have been doing alot of reading. Reading up on my woundcare modules and also 3 other books. I am quite a easily confused and complicated person. I wish i can be simple. I wish i can be more sensitive to God's voice and be more obedient in the ways he wants me to take. Maybe then i wont be in the mess i am in now. Hhahaha
anyway ...will update more frequently now...hee gotta go ..bye
i wish God can help me sort out my thoughts. I do not know what i am troubled with. I just know i am troubled. I know here and there what i am troubled with, but its neither one that is playing a major role. i think. good news! my proposal has been approved 1 week ago! Thank you so Much PAt ! I will begin my wound care modules in August then data collection will probably start in september. Been working my ass off at subway with the extra free time i get for now before data collection. Yesterday and today was really great fun. Spent time with JAnica my darling, Debbie my 2nd darling and the 2 great brothers thomas and david last night. Simple supper at northbridge but very fun. Lots of casual talk, laughs and fooling around. Today me and janica went shopping. I spent quite abit ( prob my 1 week of subway salary ) on a jacket, a jeans and 2 lancome products. I actually feel bad. I do need these things, but do i really? I know i intended to save all the money i work my ass off for at subway. But then again, i had fun with Janica. Thomas was great company too. Im so glad i noe thomas. For a guy, he goes his way out for his friends even when they take him for granted. He fetches every single person, whether he knows them or not. As the only person drivin in his cell, he has to drive everybody to cell and back home every week. I feel alot for this friend. Such a nice guy. Sometimes its hard to tell what he really likes, or who he likes or what he loves to do etc. Its hard to meet his needs as much as he meets the needs of others. i like malaysian guys. They are all generally much nicer than SIngaporean guys. They are friendlier, more charming, more jokers, more easy going etc. I feel like i can relate much better with the guys from malaysia whether they r younger or older than me here in perth. I seem to have more close guy friends than close girl friends. I can speak my mind, i can relax with these guys. I wld surely miss them all when i go back to spore. Its so late now but yet i am now still awake. Something is wrong w me, i am thinking of this and that. Im tired of thinking...ignore my ramblings.....going to bed....
Hi gary ! hahahaa finally a new post. Recently my face has been giving me lots of problems. My eczema flareups are coming back and I am not sure of the cause: peanuts or traces of nuts in chocolates, winter cold, too much potato chips, too much calamari rings, prawns , sotong, heaty food, lack of sleep, stress etcetc. I have been making changes to the things I eat so my skin can get better, but somehow, it still comes back. This is infuriating considering the fact that I have given up some of my fav foods like chocolates for the sake of my skin. Just this morning, I couldn’t wake up due to the drowsiness caused by the medications I took before sleeping. 2 causes drowsiness. Hence I missed my 9am ‘advanced excel’ class. But despite everything, God is still good. I went online to the seminar bookings page and there was suddenly an available place for the same class next week! I quickly made a booking and voila! The class was once again full. Its as though the space was meant for me! God is goooooddd….heehe I hadn’t mention my statistics exam results to anyone in Singapore yet! Overall, my statistics module fetched me a HD 91% ! hehehehee it is a miracle! My statistics sucks sucks sucks sucks….but God is goooodd again! Hehehee…I am 50% on the way to first class honours. Hahaha…but my research is giving me a headache. My proposal despite many improvements hasn’t been approved yet. Please pray for me! I need it approved then other things like data collection can proceed….Pray pray pray…
Thank you xiaowei aka sherri for your encouraging emails almost daily! I did not know you read my blog lor. I tot not many people know I change blog. Anyway …tonight one of your emails really was timely. God is very good. He seems to speak to me through many different ways. Its like I can open up a pg of the bible or an email or read someone’s blog entry and it speaks to my current situation. I feel like God knows the condition of my heart and mind even when I never tell it to other people. Theres a lot of things I dun say out to even the closest people to me. Last time I will just blah everything out. Now I dunno why, I just feel blahing it all out to people will not help me at all. Sometimes, it may even make things worse. Now I just blah it all out to God. But god is amazing. Even when I haven’t even started blahing it to him, he already show me things that will help me. Tonight I am reminded to trust wholly on God. In the email, it says that God does not promise to keep us from being hurt in our r/s but he does promise to keep us from being destroyed. The more you trust God, the more effective you will be in your r/s with others. I remember some time ago, I was having problems with this close gf of mine here. I think it was a one sided thing coz apparently I am the one thinking there is a problem. Haha..anyway, innerly, I was feeling very frustrated. More hurt and disappointed and frustrated than I appear to really be. I thank God for helping me through the situation. I thank God for reminding me of his unjudging love for me and how I shall do the same on others. I thank God for tolerance and patience and being able to wait on his timing. Now me and this gf are back to normal even w/o doing much. And I feel very happy and grateful becoz this friend means a lot to me. “ love does not begin until you expect nothing in return” how not to expect nothing in return? When my trust is wholly on the lord, I can love like that. Tonight I prayed the prayer included in the mail and now I can only try to work towards loving without expecting anything in return. Its very easy to say ‘ I expect nothing’ for me I dun expect anything material when I love someone. But I realise I do expect certain things like a comforting hug when I am down etc. But yet again, that is not too much to ask for. But yet again, when it is not the person’s timing to hug me maybe coz he/she is tired or stress or doing work etc , or when the person do not know how I am feeling etc, then the person will prob not do what I would expect no matter how minimally I expect. I want to be a person who put my trust wholly on God. After praying, keeping silent, listening to hillsongs ‘ faithful’ ‘ I trust in you’ ….i feel all my burdens for today lifted up. The monthly period and cramps or stress from work and from my research will have no greater power over my mood than God has. AMEN !
Today I felt moved to research the bible about prayer. In cell 1 week ago, I had the honor to share about my own testimony of what prayer means. Today I felt like I needed to remind myself how prayer is important so that I can stay consistent in prayer. It is easy in the midst of work, studies and fun that I put prayer off..i need to remind myself. In luke 22:41-44 God showed me how Jesus prayed on the mount of olives. “ father if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will, not mine” this verse really impacted me. Even Jesus who was once a man wanted God to take away his suffering because he was feeling so awful. However, Jesus being a man after God’s heart, said that even he wants something, yet he also want God’s will even more. And I think this is what prayer is about. Praying our desires and yet telling God His will is more important to us. Sometimes I struggle w prayer in the sense that I do not know when I am asking for what I want and when I am asking for God’s will. I can pray and say God let your will be done, but upon examination, I think my heart speaks differently. But then God today also showed me this verse in James 4:2 > …the reason you don’t have what you want is that you don’t ask God for it and even when you do ask, you don’t get it because your whole motive is wrong. You want only what will give you pleasure.. I guess it is not wrong to tell God what we want and ask God for it. But we must ask God for them with the right motives. For me the right motive has always been that me or whomever I am praying for will be a light and testimony of God’s goodness. I took some time in reading James 3:14 which talked about bitter jealousy and selfish ambition. Its very easy to just go through it, highlight. But I don’t know why today I just kept reading it over and over. And I just suddenly felt like I probably have selfish ambitions in my heart. Its like wanting something for myself. I cant say specifically because even I don’t know what issit in me that reflects selfish ambition. But I just know that there is. And I pray that God will help me not have any selfish ambitions. Elijah was as human as we are, but when he prayed earnestly for no rain to fall, none fell for the next 3.5 years. Then when he prayed again for rain, rain came. I wish and hope that I can be a person like Elijah, who can understand what praying earnestly means and to pray earnestly…
It’s a Sunday and for the 2nd time this year, I am not in church. Coz it’s an afternoon service today! Special speaker so I guess he cant make it in the morning. One thing good about a small church, timing can become quite flexible. Soon I want to spend some good quality time with god. Its only 1day that I haven’t really set aside time to read the bible and pray and I feel lethargic I was working from 10 to 4 at subway yesterday and after which I had this bad headache and super hungry. X cooked very delicious hokkien noodles and gave me a good head massage. Thank god that he is a potential househusband. Able to go out and do well in the workplace and also able to do housework and cook. I am so blessed. =) Hahaha actually I also think I make a very good wife! I love to cook for my loved ones and I am getting better by the day through experimentation. And I feel after these 2 years in Australia, I can take care of a home, myself and hopefully a family. I would also love to pursue my dream in lecturing in nursing. Teaching has always seem to be my forte and nursing my passion. Hee when I get tired of it all, I can open a small café and sell handmade pastries like Emma in stranger than fiction. Conincidentally X has thought of this café thing too. He is a v good cook and patient w preparing ingredients. And his passion in life is to impact and teach others his knowledge and encourage openness and creativity and thinking in the big picture in the procurement industry. So that means he is also into lecturing! With 5 years of working experience and a masters degree on hand, he is much nearer to his goal than I am. I have to work about 5 years more before I can lecture. Hee but I am so looking forward to it…we are just praying hard that everything works out for us according to God’s plan and purpose. Afterall, we have both decided that God will be the centre and the priority. Put God first and all other things will go well..
Today X taught me further into guitar chords! In the beginning I just memorised the chords I had to play in the songs I want to learn, so it was always a ‘die memorize’ thing. Today I learnt what note each string represents and how I can figure chords from A Bb B C C# D Eb E F F# G G# all just by knowing how to play A Am E Em. So excited to start figuring out the chords myself now. May take some time to do it fast, but thank the Lord for being taught how to do it! Thank you so much X !!!!
Today X got a job interview from Sydney. I wonder if this is how God is answering my prayers or maybe it isn’t. lots of factors to consider for him and his mom is so impressive! The way she advised him is like respecting his decision and yet giving him lots of practical advice to the details.
Yesterday I talked with my mummy over the phone! When I put down the phone, my housemate who was beside me all the way asked me who it was. She was very shocked to discover tt it was my mom ! She said I spoke to my mom like she is my good friend. Hee..Then it dawned on me that I have a totally changed mindset about what my mom means to me le. Since mothers day service in ZPH, my relationship and communication with my mom has improved tremendously. And I like talking to her now. I mentioned to her about some long term plans I have in my mind ( which I didn’t dare to even mention before because I am afraid she will be unhappy) and she actually said she will support me, monetarily if need be. Wah..i am so happy! My plans are all still tentative but I am just so happy my mom respects my thoughts and pending decisions like I am a girl big enough to make good decisions without having her to nag or scold.
I got to say that spending time a lot with God has brought about a lot of breakthroughs in different areas of my life, relationships, work, studies, mindset, perceptions, expectations, love and faith. I wish many others can see how God is so good if only we put him first. Its so hard to totally explain to others exactly how God is so good because it can never be put into a few words. It has to be experienced.
Today is such a happy day! Actually for the past week, everyday has been very happy! Today is exceptionally superbly feel good day coz my statistics presentation went better than I expected! I am totally bad at anything to do with economics or statistics. I have taken 3 introductory modules on statistics before, once in college, once in university in Singapore and a third time here in curtin university. But not once had I felt like I fully grasp the concepts and understand the statistical methods or theory. To me, statistics is a whole mesh of illogical S***. Hahahaha. Just last night when I had a run through practice with X for the statistics presentation today, I was still feeling unsure of my slides and what I was saying. I felt like if anybody were to ask me any qns, I would surely not know how to answer them. Tell me to present for anatomy, biosciences, ethics, nursing practice etc and I can be sure that I can present without even preparing side notes. But for statistics, I had to have notes to read from. For all the previous statistics presentations by other people, 99% of the time, I didn’t have any clue what they were talking about. I was thinking in my mind “ s***, what the h** is this bulls***’ haaa…. I know I should stop swearing (s*** is a curse word in Australia, but I use it all the time in Singapore and here Lor…now gotta censor it hehee) . Anyway I shld stop beating around the bush. Today 4 people presented including me. I was the last one to go up basically coz everybody else were so enthusiastic to do theirs and I was the passive girl sitting there and being passive. Hahaha… among the 3 who went before me, 1 was quite badly done I must say , 1 was so damn cheem again like the first 4 last week coz these people do statistics in depth and the third one was good and well explained and clearly delivered. During my presentation, I was surprisingly calmed and organized in my delivery. I felt like I knew what I was talking about and didn’t need any approving looks from the audience to keep my calm. Basically I just felt approved without trying to see if the audience and teacher r approving of me.. Must be God working! Thank you X for your prayer this morning and thank you God for answering my prayers from this morning ! God is wonderful. At the end of the presentation, the teacher said “ wow estee, I am very impressed with you presentation. You really went down to the mathematics involved in statistics, good job. I really enjoyed it” and he also didn’t shoot me any questions and neither did he attempt to explain to the group about the things I presented which he did for the other 3 people. Basically I got the best comments for today! I am so happy ! Even though what I presented is not superbly cheem statistics, but God turned it around and made it simply impressive! Hee…and today I felt like my prayer about “god let them not despise my youth and lack of experience” has come true! After my presentation, my professor kept giving me approving nods and looks which he never did before! Hallelujah! Later going to watch pirates of the carribean with my beloved housemates kylie and jenny…the little things can be so happy when we learn to see them as it is and not think too much into tomorrow.
If I could speak in any language in heaven or on earth but didn’t love others, I would only be making meaningless noise……and if I had the gift of faith so that I could speak to a mountain and make it move, without love I would be no good to anybody. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my own body, I could boast about it, but if I didn’t love others, I would be of no value whatsoever.
Love is patient and kind Love is not jealous or proud or rude Love does not demand its own way Love is not irritable and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up Love never loses faith Love is always hopeful Love endures through every circumstances.
There are three things that will endure – faith, hope and love And the greatest of these is love
Today I feel God is speaking to me about Love. I went through a moment when I felt so confused about myself and someone else and frustrated that the understanding that took time to build suddenly seemed to vanish in those split seconds. To love can be so hard. We can try and try, but by our own strength we are weak. In the midst of it all, I suddenly lost my self identity. But thank God for being around for me. I am weak but he is strong. His voice comforts me like no one else’s voice can. God spoke to me today in the midst of some heartaches. He said “ love like I love you my dear girl…do not be angry, but love like I love you.’ In the little bit of a few minutes, I cried out to God and He answered me like a father teaching and comforting his daughter. I am not perfect and God knew that right before He made me. But I am uniquely formed to be beautiful in my own way. When somewhere along the vase cracks, God repairs…
Someone said this to me before ‘love is not enough’ I think as the bible says, there are 3 things that will endure forever, and the greatest of it all is LOVE. Love will endure if we learn to love like God loves us. I want to love like how God loves me.
Love is patient and kind Love is not jealous or proud or rude Love does not demand its own way Love is not irritable and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up Love never loses faith Love is always hopeful Love endures through every circumstances.
Was reading the book of samuel today and chanced upon a well known chapter of David and Goliath. Although such a common story, this chapter gave me more faith upon reading it. Goliath was a giant in the army of the philistines since he was a boy. When Goliath challenged the Israelite army to a one on one fight, every single person in the army of the Israelites were full of fear and nobody had the courage to step out even when King Saul offered a great reward. David, a boy at that time taking care of his father’s sheeps was the first and only person who stepped out and said he would fight goliath. What impacted me most is when david said “ the Lord who saved me from the claws of the lion and the bear will save me from this philistine’ (NLT). In every single task that the lord had put in our paths (such as david being put in charge of caring for his father’s sheeps), the Lord has a purpose and the purpose of the little things will lead to the greater plans the Lord has for us. Through the little every day tasks, the Lord is moulding and training us to be his warriors. Physically, mentally, emotionally, we are being trained. In caring for sheeps, David has learned how to go after lions and bears with his club when they come and steal a lamb, he had learnt to catch the animal by the jaw and club it to death. Even though David’s experience was specific to lions and bears, he did not have a doubt that he could fight a giant man trained in the army for most of his life. David never questioned his ability. He had never allowed his lack of experience be an excuse to shortchange the power and strength he believes that the Lord has planted in him since birth. The Israelite army did not have faith. They had head knowledge that their abilities were based on experience and since they never had the experience of fighting a giant, they all thought they surely could not do it. David had faith. He did not see himself as his own, but He saw himself as God’s own. THE LORD WHO SAVED ME , he said. He added ‘TODAY THE LORD WILL CONQUER YOU’ to goliath who had looked down on him. ‘ IT IS HIS BATTLE, NOT OURS. THE LORD WILL GIVE YOU TO US’. I can say I wish I can be a person like David, whose faith took away his fear. It is time I stop wishing. It is time to believe that ‘ YES THE LORD WILL DELIVER ME FROM MY CIRCUMSTANCES.’ To some others ‘YES THE LORD WILL GIVE ME THE JOB OF MY DREAMS’ , ‘YES THE LORD WILL PROTECT ME AND HEAL ME FROM ALL SICKNESSES’, ‘YES THE LORD WILL GUIDE ME IN MY ASSIGNMENT WRITING AND IN MY EXAMS’. We have tools to do the basics, such as to use our hands to write, use our time to revise, do research, study, but beyond that, a lot of things are beyond our control. I am weak for I am human. I have limitations to the things I can and want to do. But I do my best and pray and believe that God will surely do the rest! DO MY BEST AND GOD WILL DO THE REST ! God always sends help in the little voice of the Holy Spirit (that we must learn to hear) or in the form of other people, angels in disguise. I may be young, little experience, not too smart, but like David, I believe God can make me a success. You can be a successful lecturer, businessman, trader, husband, wife, daughter, son, mother, father, friend etcetc. I can be a head nurse even though I may not be the best now, I can be a nursing lecturer in the most prestigious nursing university, I can be the best mother to my kids in the future and the best wife to my husband, the best daughter to my parents, the best friend to my friends..all because of GOD….
today was a full day at work in subway. Work was very relaxing surprisingly. Comparing to usual thursdays, today was unusual hee. worked from 1130 to 5pm but was up since 7am . Quite tired initially but a good cup of hot mocha double shot from muffin break was a real energy booster! Lee my supervisor asked me if i was bogged down by assignments and school , which caught me by surprise as i did not feel lethargic or anything. I know the last time i saw him i was very tired hence i had v slow responses hee. But today i was ok ..hahaha but one thing i did realise abt myself is tt i am less kan jiong then when i first join subway. Lee is a singaporean also. But his family is in Perth. He presents himself at work as a super gan jiong king. ALways talking fast, rushing, on the move with his hands and feet , always seem to be in danger of knocking someone over but yet so fast on his feet tt he can avoid, swerve and do all kinds of stunts. And this happens even when there are not much customers. I told him before ' lee dun be so gan jiong la' hahaa. Very gutsy of me to tell my supervisor tt ah ..haha...coz i tink he is gan jiong unnecessarily sometimes. And his gan jiong-ness is very infectious. When i stand beside him, i get v anxious for nothing. Well why i shared this story was because i think i have gotten the australian culture of being relaxed . Hahaha...to make it sound bad, its laziness...on a positive note, its just learning how to enjoy life...hahaaa. Now u can often see me squating and eating my double chocolate chip / macademia nut subway cookie whenever i get the chance. But i still dun think i am inefficient or ineffective or being paid for nothing. Coz i still do what i need to do, i still try to stand in the gap for people whenever i can and i do what can be done without being told. Haha...just tt my whole body language is not in a gan jiong stance.
After work , i went to do groceries shopping. Intending to cook chicken w red wine and herbs tmr for lunch w X. ( oh yah i forgot to share tt i tried to cook 3 dishes last thursday which was quite a success > sweet fish curry with toasted almonds, fried cauliflower, soy and sesame pork w choy sum ) Every thursday is grocery shopping to cook something special and something i never cook before on friday! hee i really enjoy doing this. I really need to stop being a miser and comparing prices too much . I always see the weight of the item, see if different brands with same weight different price. The brand name is known or not , if the extra price would be worth it or not etc. Hence i can spend a super long time in the super market. like such an auntie already. Not even housewife yet. Aiyaaa....tsktsk. hence today i missed my bus to go home because i did not leave enough time to walk from the supermarket to the bus stop. I am always very good with time, i can plan well ahead what time i need to leave a place etcetc. but today the cashier made me wait for 5mins before she cld serve me. 5 mins is a long time as i had not put it in my plan to walk to the bus stop.heeeee...oh well... Haizz...by the time i reach the bus stop, it was gone or either tt, it never came ( perth transport suckssssss) anyway there was not one soul at the busstop. I had to get help from Mingchoon who got help from his brother mingxian. Aiyo, i hate to trouble people. in perth, always need to trouble those who drive. Feel bad.
Anyway its a blessing to know these selfless people. Anyway why do i put the blog entry title as such is because, i had allowed the fact tt i missed the bus to frustrate me. When X called, i was quite grouchy and i felt bad . But knowing myself, i know the way out of blowing it on anyone is to avoid talking altogether. I guess all this comes with age and experience. A few yrs ago, when i was less self aware and ironically self centred, i would have just put my frustration on someone close. . Furthermore, at the back of my mind, i knew i wld find a way out of it and i knew i wld be able to get someone to fetch me. Still i got frustrated. and although i didnt bang my frustration on X, i tink anyone cld have sense the displeasure of the situation in my voice. Hence i may have also caused a bit of 'yuan wang' feeling in X and X probably feel bad for not being able to help me. Which i totally dun think is anybody else's fault except mine and transperth.Now i am able to rationalize very quickly what the roots of my frustration are and how i can avoid unnecessarily hurting someone close. But i am still upset w myself tt i had even got frustrated in the first place at something so small Haaa...Lord help me to be a more patient person, not easily frustrated by circumstances not entirely within my control. As it says in the bible, be slow to anger...quick to forgive. Small things will not frustrate me in Jesus name . Amen !!!!!
having a relationship w God. Focusing on the puzzle pieces...
Today this entry is dedicated to God.
ONE MORE TIME Lord, i saw your face last night when i looked in the sky you were smiling you told me it would be okay you would make a way in my dark times
chorus everytime i hear your voice everytime i feel your touch it makes me know that i can face tomorrow one more time
when all my friends go away i'll be glad to say you're still near me even when the wind blows by i feel warm inside your're so lovely
Bridge i need you, don't leave me without you i can't survive
verse 2 i know that i can face tomorrow cause you will walk me through my pain and sorrow i know that i can face tomorrow one more time ____________________________
isn't it great? =) sang this song with the choir during a performance on mothers day. actually i did forget some lyrics during the performance, i had to pretend i know by closing and opening my mouth..hahaah..i hope nobody realised tt. Anyway its coz i was so dead tired. Slept only 1 hr on sat before service. Hence i slept from 5am to 6am then woke up to get ready for church. My brain was half dead. hee..but thank God i was not half bad .. i think ..keke...church service was a breakthrough for me. As a christian for about 6 years, i have attended 6 mothers day services, but none has impacted me in the way Pastor Joyce's message has and the way Zion Praise Harvest church's service had. I cant stop crying esp when Pastor Joyce started to cry in the midst of preaching. She looked at her mother in the audience and thanked her with the most heartfelt words. A few testimonies were shared by a few people about their moms. I cant stop crying. Everything nice reminded me of my mom. If people know me well, they know i am not close to my mom. I have alot of grudges from the past that i have never let go despite how they r all in the past. But from now, i can only be happy to think of my mother. I miss her so much and i've never missed her so much before.Now i think of how good she has been to me and all my sistors and brothers.How she single handedly brought us up by herself and had to often get help from friends. How many friends went away when she needed help and only a few stayed. My mom has a bad temper. She is v strong willed. Circumstances have made her this way. Christians in the past have let her down terribly and hence she threatened to kick me out when she first found out that i recieved christ. Despite this, she gave in to my belief when she saw how it is helping me. She is still a staunch buddhist, but she takes me to church when she can. My mom is great! She has sacrificed so much for me.During the times when i was rude to her , when i argued back alot of times in the past, when i was grouchy and moody everyday, when i cryed endlessly, when i was a problem kid with asthma, bronchitis and hard on finances, sleepwalk, have recurrent bad nightmares, when i refused to listen to her....my mom still always loved me. She is not the kind of mom who is gentle or affectionate. She is strong, fierce and can be sacarstic at times. But she is still the greatest mom! A mom's love is indescribable. I called mom before service on sunday, but after service i called again..this time i spoke to her like i had never spoken to her before. i cried and told her how i missed her. Something i have never done. I told her ' mom i know i can be naughty (which she readily agreed hee) , but i still care alot about you etcetc' I love mom! Seeing how i was before, i wonder if i had a kid like myself when i am a mom next time, can i take it? haha..makes motherhood sound so scary. But God will provide! God will intercede , God will mould us through our own children..i am looking forward to having my own children..
i often go home after a CHC service with alot of impactful head knowledge. CHC messages were always fantastic !! always well preached, the whole service with the strong anointing of the Holy spirit. ZPH is a small church of about 500 plus (mainly students) taking place in a lecture theatre in Curtin. But it is in ZPH, in perth that i literally feed on the word of God to survive. I carry the message home not just in my head now, but in my heart and truly wanting to live them.Is it because ZPH is better than CHC or Perth better than Singapore? NO. this is a revelation for me....our lives can only be truly renewed and transformed by God only when we have a relationship with God. Has our quiet time with God become a drag? is it a pleasure and a sure must that we spend some time just with God in our rooms, with the bible, guitar, note book and a prayer list? Is our prayer list full of ' god bless me in this and that' , god can you do this , god can you not do that? Do we tell God what to do? Do we say that we want God's will and plan but yet in our hearts we already decided what we want God to do? I used to do all these. Being self centred , not really having a relationship with God, only just a shell beautifully decorated but empty inside.God sees past the shell no matter how beautiful it may appear to be. God looks at our inner man, our heart. God knows our every intention. Will God show us his plans if we are that empty shell?I do not dare to say for others. But in my life, God only really started showing me his plan when i started to genuinely come before him everyday with trust that everthing is in his hands. When i start to lose control over things in my life and lift my burdens up to Him without carrying them back. When every single decision i make is prompted by His voice. Only when i started to build a trusting relationship with God then did i see his blessings and plans for me. Maybe i can conclude that if we r just beautifully decorated empty shell christians, God will still bless us because he is a good god. But we will not see God's blessings, because we are too focussed on getting the big picture now, too focussed on what God has not done or given to us. Hence we do not see what He is already doing and giving to us , we do not see how he is providing the little puzzle pieces that all goes into making that big picture that we desire. Without the little pieces, we cannot even attempt to piece them together and form the big picture. Hence at the end of the day, God may send an equal amount of blessings on two different people but only the one who has persisted in prayer, persisted in trusting God no matter how difficult the situation is, persisted in asking God for His will to be done and not our own will, will achieve the desired outcome.This reminds me of cooking or baking. 2 people can have the same ingredients presented in front of them, but if one chooses to do it his or her own way while another chooses to follow the ways or recipe of a reputable chef, then we all should know how the outcome will be so different. Same ingredients, different outcomes. " sometimes we look so long and hard on the closed door that we fail to see the door that God has opened up for us " .
recently had been having alot of late nights...but each late night was full of joy ! praise the Lord. I really don't know whether to say it here or not coz afterall though this is my own blog meant for all my thoughts, i am also aware that its also a public domain at the same time. Hmm let me just say that I have found my 2nd lovex ! God is my first love !!! indeed God has everything under control . He is in control all the time. If we are patient to wait, patient during trying times , not blaming God when we don't understand how He has allowed bad things to happen to us ( note that devil sends bad things but the devil has to ask God for permission to send the bad things to test God's people. Hence God decides if he will allow the devil to carry his evil plan) God will soon unravel his goodness and show his plans for us so clearly , miraculously , so shockingly that we know immediately it is from no one, not ourselves, but only from God..
My life now has taken a turn, to the way in which i know that God is dictating my every move. To the way in which i know when something is in the will of God and in His plan. Even when some things of the future seem uncertain, i still have peace in my heart. Peace and understanding that God will move in his timing. Peace that God will help me work things out. Peace that it is all in His plans..
Dear diary.. today was another great blessed day .Honestly God has been so good to be these few days. after the valleys of last week, everything seems to be going uphill le. talking about the little blessings of everyday ..today theres a few more after work at subway, i was really really tired. Its mothers day tmr so alot of people were at carousel shopping . So we had alot alot of customers. I was doing the breads which means i am the first person in line to ask the person a series of questions 1) how may i help you ? (they will go on, think as long as they like, ask qns) 2) what kind of bread would you like? ( alot of time they will blah everything they want including the salads without mentioning the most impt thing which is the bread they want) 3) what do you want in it ? ( as in meat) 4) toasted or fresh ( i always have to 'scream' this question coz they always cant hear it ..or maybe the way i say it ...i realised today when i kinda shouted , alot understood unlike other days. if toasted the meat can go on the bread directly , if fresh the meat must go into microwave. 5) what kind of cheese would u like ( 4 kinds to choose from , tell them if they dunno, some just say yes. so i just put cheddar means they have not preference bahzzz) 6) proceed to tell them my colleague will do the salads for them . hence being the bread person is the busiest toughest part to play while working. i had a dry throat and cant even squat down from my position to drink water for 3 straight hrs. yess there were 3 straight hrs of customers. and yes 3 straight hrs i asked every single person the above questions. DUn forget, each customer has his or her funny personalities...grouchy , say everything so fast thinking i can remember while stil cutting up the bread, those who love to talk and explain why they choose this and that, those who so busy chatting w their friends tt i wanna tel them to go chat and come back later and let me serve the 'serious' customers.haha..
After this tiring work , i went to do some window shopping groggily and then went to do groceries. by the time i got to groceries, i think i felt so groggy man...it was almost 5 , hence almost closing time and all the registers were flooded with long lines and trolleys literally flooded w groceries...then a BLESSING ! I was in line in register 6 . then a lady at line 7 who had so so so much groceries ( like 5 super long loaves of bread, a few 1 kgs packs of frozen food , lots of junk food etc etc) looked at me and said that i can go ahead of her! There were other people in line 6 with me who had not much food but she looked at me and told me to go before her in line 7 since she got so much and i had little to pay for. She looked at me and not the others who were all within sight. Wah god is so good. Subsequently after paying, i walked briskly as it was almost time for the last bus ! and thank God i made it in 1 min before the bus came. If the lady had not let me go ahead of her in a different line, i wld never have made it for that bus ! God is so good...
i had such a good time tonight..went out with a few friends for jap dinner and bubble tea with card game. and the thing is, the outing wasnt planned beforehand. the game was so fun ...feel so good..relaxed...though i was actually so tired..God turned things around for good...
Hee i had a wonderful thursday .. woke up at 8am for work at 10am ...seems like another day..sleepy from lack of sleep and groggy from taking my anti histamine too late in the night...hee...work was draggy..wasnt my usual hyper super hard working self... Lee commented tt i seem lethargic ..hee..thank God big boss was not around..work was testing. Customers are wierd. When we are the customers, we never see how wierd we can appear in front of the people at food counters. All kinds of customers man...but this job is good...helps me come into contact w how aussies talk and think and behave.... anyway...after work went to do grocery shopping..sounds boring but the exciting part is coming up ! i bought so much groceries coz its been 1 week since i bot groceries and also becoz i am cooking lunch for X later .. going to try 3 new dishes i discovered from food magazines. And X is my guinea Pigz..*evil laughter*....in fact i am so excited, its almost 4am now and i already feel like not sleeping at all and preparing the ingredients for lunch le. hahaa... anyway i got out of point. i bot so much groceries that i couldnt even carry them !! it seems so easy to throw everything into the trolley and pay for them. Then after paying for them, the practicality of carrying them home by public transport sank in. There was no way i could carry it even to the bus stop. I smsed a friend and tried to think of all other possible friends who drive and may be in the shopping centre ..then Hallelujah!!!!!!! i saw AAron from YA!!!!!! wah god is so good. Must be my prayer in the morning .....so end up aaron carried my groceries and fetched me Homeeeee.....wah eternally grateful to him and God...God is so good. Another angel is thomas...had choir practice tonight to practice for mothers day service this weekend .after practice thomas brought us to satisfy me and pauline's bubble tea cravingss..plus he ta pau for many others ...so sweet manz..he and charlyn were having this 'fight' as to who pays for the bubble teas he bot for her...aiyoz ...farnie..anyway i realised thomas is a v nice guy to chat with. Me and pauline had a good time chatting w him till the bubble tea shop closed. A good listener and a good speaker .... he then went around fetching bubble teas to diff people ..and fetch me to X place so i can bless X too with bubble Tea ! Wah lao..i feel very grateful to people who ferry me around ...thank You God....
im starting to really appreciate wine esp since they are so cheap in perth. Especially those late harvested ones. Currently i am drinkin a 2005 late harvest riesling. I must improve my alcohol tolerance. Coz i get red easily and people think i am drunk when i am not. So hopefully drinking a small amount every night will improve tt! no worries, i am not an alcoholic. Im a winoholic !! wahahaa....
Mr X cooked Hor fun for me todaY! wah lao..first time eating homecooked horfun and it was one of the things i am craving for this week! and it was so gooood, the kind where the noodles are stir fryed with caramel black sauce and then the thick sauce cooked seperately consisting of eggs, prawns, pork etc and then added on the noodles ! and Mr X did all that in a v short time...i wish i had a dad like Mr X man...who needs mothers then..hahahaa....okok i take that back. talk about God answering prayers of food cravings, i had them so many times this year..haha..but then ah i didnt pray about food la. i guess God heard my thoughts hahaha...
Today was a very good day. Thank you God. I love you for spitting me out of the fish like Jonah in the bible. I love you for not treating me like Job who has it much worse off and is sth i yet can take. I love you for teaching me many things through difficult times. I love you for sending people to take care of me. I love you for helping me to change to a person who do not dwell too long in a bad thing....
As i read through some of my past entries, i realised i seriously seem like quite a contradicting person . like i can say i have moved on finally and happily then suddenly an entry pops up after that abt how im struggling againz. It occurred to me im not contradicting myself. I am merely a human being. Believing that i have moved on and yet still having doubts. Its like having faith and yet having doubts at the same time. Ive never been thru so many ups and downs in such a short time. Even if there is going to be another valley, i pray that God you will help me go through it with your strength. I love God!
i feel very blessed to have good brothers around me just this morning when i felt abit sad, a sister encouraged me alot and then a brother invited me for lunch tmr and he's cooking!!!! for once i am not the one cooking for another...wah lao so pampered man... and after that another blessing! i wanted to study today! i have told subway not to put me on days except thurs and sat so i can focus on my studies. But being indoors for too long can get my mind wandering too much to the negative. I do pray and i do spend time with God ..but i still need time out from home or school. And another wonderful brother promised to take me out. in 3 hrs i will have my cravings of fast eddys and watch SPIDERMAN 3 !!!!!!! something to look forward to while i am studying !!!! i enjoy talking with guys. Guys are simpler and more easy going. Guys listen and not judge. Guys are slow to get angry and are more forgiving .hahahaah ... wah lao speaking against my own kind. Just last night i thank God 2 brothers treated me to KTV and dinner at hawkers cuisine! the food was so good and the KTV was fantastic. I love to sing! I love the MTVS. i love to feel the meaning of the songs and the story behind each song ! One brother commented i sing well too !! wahahaha ....BHB...and u noe out of faith i told my landlord i am going to move out in 4 weeks ( due to various reasons like internet, high rent, noisy neighbours, dangerous neighbourhood etcetc ) although i havent found a new place yet. And then Isaac told me his new home is going to be ready in less than 4 weeks. Aaron (from YA) is going to move in to stay w him too ! The rent wld be less than my current place, the room bigger and he even lets me choose the size of my bed !!!!! the only setback is the location is quite far from school . But then again i dun have classes in school . just need to go school see my professor once or twice a week and borrow books if i need. But still location is a big big setback coz most of my friends here live around my current area and they are always picking me up to go out and if i live in canning vale , i dunno if they wanna drive tt far to get me man ! Isaac seems to be really good at trying to tempt me over. He is even trying to get a car for me so i can drive and everything wont be so far le!!!!!! wah lao ..wat a good offer. No no ..he has no ulterior motives except maybe he expects me to do housework and cook for them every night !!!!! hahaah . This guy is going to get married in Jan next yr. Then his singaporean wife will come and stay in their new home here next yr !!!!! aRGGHHH i need guidance from GOD. cannot be easily tempted !! must pray !! I thank God for sending people to take care of me during my weakest times....thank you Lord for your providence.
in a short time, i thank God for some people who He sent to remind me to move on A friend just told me abt his breakthrough in thinking! This friend Mr X has more or less been facing the same things as i have. He told me that its time for him to move on and not let the past drag him down anymore there are many new things waiting for him its time to stop hovering around !!!! exactly, i feel the exact same way this morning even before we spoke i noe feelings of the past will still come back and haunt me now and then but God is omnipresent and omni powerful ! and i know i will be an overcomer through Him who strengthens me. Sometimes it is in a foreign country, being away from family and our local friends that we can truly grow up and totally trust in the Lord's powerful plan. When i return to Spore, i will be totally changed, renewed and transformed into a woman with a clear vision and purpose. A woman who not only can cook, clean and take care of a household well, but a woman with a career , a woman with an influence in the marketplace !!!!!!!! things are going to so change....
after hearing and reading some things abt him i realised he is not worth it i regret what i did i regret ever calling him with the idea he still cares in fact i am angry i am angry and sad its time to move on . if you are reading this coz its not privatised! then i want to tell you that after 5 years ! you moved on real quick exploring options! that was real fast. thanks man . i tot i knew you i dun . i am a great girl u noe. alot of guys and girls here tell me that. you are a great guy too . but i guess the difference is, i still appreciate you. for you, new options .
why is letting go of the past so hard why do i like to think back and think of how good things were then why do i like to think of how good tristan was to me before why do i regret that i have let go of such a good guy why do i not remind myself of the reasons for the break up like he remembers why do i not remember that breaking up wld draw both of us closer with God and fulfill our individual callings. why can i not move on like he seems to be why do i have to call and give him the feeling ' shit, going back to the past again' why do he no longer say ' i call you back later' instead he says ' i talk to you another day ' why do he no longer care or love me
i dont like to be vulnerable like i was and i am now. i dont like to eat up every single available biscuits, chocolates, cereal, bread, subway that i have in the house like i did yesterday and the day before. i dont like to drink wine in excess i hate myself when i get out of control i dont like to think that others don't care i dont like to think that i am alone in all these becoz there are people with bigger problems
i am blessed to be alive i am blessed to be healthy i am blessed to have a guitar and be able to play it i am blessed to have friends who care like janica, aaron, debbie, charlyn, elle, yvonne, jolin, jenny, kylie, shane, mingchoon, darryl, zhisheng. i am blessed to have a family , all healthy , living in a comfortable house i am blessed to have my own room in spore i am blessed to have my own room here in perth i am blessed to own a bible and be able to read it whenever i want, openly i am blessed to have housemates who let me cry on their shoulders and tell me they care i am blessed to have a housemate to drive me to sch when it is dark i am blessed to own a laptop , ipod nano, a prada wallet, a ericsson hp , a camera i am blessed to be sponsored by the goverment to study here i am blessed to be able to buy clothes and shoes when i need or want. i am blessed with friends in cell who own cars and drive me here and there i am blessed to be a qualified registered nurse and a qualifed professional bridal make up artiste. i am blessed to be told that i cook well i am blessed to be told that i bring light to the cell group i am blessed to be able to sing for God and serve God in usher i am blessed to be able to play guitar for cell i am blessed to be taught how to improve my guitar i am blessed when people invite me for a meal and cook for me i am blessed when people celebrate with me when a test is over i am blessed to have a partner like tristan for almost 5years. i am blessed that he still picks up his phone or calls me back whenever i call i am blessed that my friends in spore still ask about me i am blessed that my stepfather is a nice gentle, kind, sweet , mild tempered, hardworking man i am blessed my mom is a strong, kind hearted, good cook , good baker, good sewer, caring, allowing me to go church, drive me around woman. i am blessed eliza my sister is a generous, caring, strong, focussed, forgiving person. i am blessed elroy my brother is a kind hearted, caring, determined and patient guy
i have purposely written down all these not to boast but to remind myself how blessed i am in life. When things seem purposeless, i tend to focus on what is wrong and not what is right in my life.. its time to focus on the good things i have in life. Things many others do not even experience in their whole lifetime. I am blessed. Its time to let go of the sad things and move on with the positive. i pray that God will help me never to look back again. this is the final time.
Jesus help me for i am weak and only you are strong enough to help me my friends or family cannot help me lord only you know the cry of my heart only you know the real weaknesses i have that even i am not aware Jesus help me never to cry like a baby again Lord help me never to binge or drink in excess when i am stress but to come to you instead help me not to make my family and friends worried about me Lord heal my father of any heart problems he has now. Lord take away any anxieties in his heart. Lord give my mom the strength to support the family and my father now. Lord i pray you will take away all the gastric problems eliza is facing now. Lord i pray that you will strengthen her r/s with daniel and let promotion come at work. Lord give me the grace to go through times like this Lord help me focus on my research Lord i pray that my proposal would pass the committee with flying colours let no one despise my youth and lack of experience Lord help me get first class honours and be a salt and light of the earth Lord help me be a good testimony of your goodness lord help me to lift all my sadness and brokenness and past into your hands to take them away In Jesus name Amen
this blog contains thoughts i have since coming to Australia..Ups and downs..ultimately, the purpose of this blog is to remind myself how much i have changed for the better and matured as a person worthy to be called God's creation.
