working in CCU..
recieved good news that i can be posted to
NUH CCU (critical care unit) as requested ! I have always felt that working in ICU would be very challenging, and becoz im not sure of my practical competency, the more i wanted to work there to
challenge my mind and capacity. I also noe a few people there like
joey ( who's like a genuinely caring big sistor to me) ,
venetia, fiona (whos doing her adv diploma in ICU) and
darren (my sec schmate). I believe that i can learn many new things from them !
My
graduation is on the
26th july 10am ! Pretty disappointed with the timing and day which is when most people i noe are working and cant attend to share my Joy. Im gonna be getting the MOH gold medal award that day along with my diploma with merit. Getting the award is certainly a big joy for me and my family (esp my mom). The award is a good reflection of the powerful impact that God has in my life since i came to know him. But along with this award also come
feelings of apprehension. I am worried that i cannot perform up to expectations in NUH. This reminds me of what sis kless preached during CGM. About how we believe and yet have a level of doubt. I believe that without God i would not have done so well in school ( because alot of things is not just about hard work, its also about the circumstances tt day, whether watever i have learnt would be recalled, whether questions turn out the way i can answer etc) and by the Grace of God, i could do relatively well thou i put in less work during my 2nd and 3rd years. So i shld not doubt that God will come true for me this time.
For all my 3 years in school, i have never once compared myself to my friends or classmates. I have always worked up to my maximum capacity and then i'll be happy. i agree tt Competition may spur people to work harder, but i feel that
competing with myself (my limits and abilities) helps me to do better than if i worked for the sake of winning others. Alot of people i know worked on this ' winning others ' mentality and i dun deny that when i was in secondary school i also had this mentality. all these changed when i came to know Jesus. He changed my mentality and helped me expand my capacity in my studies, ccas etc. To see the big picture and have the spirit of excellence in everything i purpose to do. Im prepared for a few stumbles and blurness when i join CCU, but im not afraid.
Im only afraid that if i stumble i do not get up....My biggest hope is that i would bring more people to God. A new environment means more lives to impact and change ! I pray that there wld never be a time when people wld say " she this kind of pattern where will attract us to go church ". I pray always for a heart of humility, patience, compassion and love for the people around me. Knowledge WILL NOT puff up for me ! hehee
are our inner man lost?
Im sure many of us occasionally feel like we have to LOOK like we are strong, happy and confident on the exterior to make up for what we are not on the inside or to please the people around us. And realistically speaking, looking a certain way does win us some relationships or friendships. But if our inner man is destroyed and lost, so what if we gained the whole world...
1 corinthians 9: 22 >> to the weak I became as weak, that I might win the weak. I have become all things to all men, that I might by all means save some.God deals with our weaknesses by putting us in uncomfortable or frustrating situations. So that we may become overcomers of these weaknesses. Don't despise our weaknesses ! USe them! Learn about them and learn how to deal with them with the word of God.Dont be afraid to share weaknesses with others. use our overcoming experience to reach out to the lost. To reach out to the weak. isnt that our main purpose? dont be afraid to share our weaknesses with others because its not for ourselves ( i want people to like me, i want people to praise me for my good works, i want to be a leader... I I I I I ) .
Its not about ourselves! I often question myself, is my life about myself or about God? >> to everyone who reads this,
God is really a good God. Some may ask, is He? then why did He allow me to have a big butt (just an example hor :P) ? Why did He put me in this situation ? Why did He not give me the man/woman i desire?
because the man/woman is not meant for us. Because he wants us to learn that true beauty lies in the inner man. Because this situation is good for you. it is part of God's plan for your life. Plans not to harm you but to exhalt you and bring u to the destiny He has prepared for u.
One example of how inner beauty is indeed the truest beauty is from me and tristan
hahaha..i admit i can be a monster at times and a true angel at other times. Tristan have seen it all hahah. and i realised that even thou i can put on alot of make up and look fantastic but to Him i am still not as beautiful as when im really nice to him. How do i noe tt he thinks im more beautiful when im beautiful in the heart? From his expression. From his eyes.
Another example is
SIS Yvonne .
She is a true beauty !!!the more i got to know her, the more beautiful she got. Her sincere Love for me and for the people around her just shines forth ! i cant explain it. I really cant. Get to know her and u'll know what im talking about ! Shes my role model in the love arena. She loves her neighbour not as herself but more than herself.
a week of vision and purpose
im late in updating my blog !
It has been a week filled with renewed visions and dreams. Thank God and Sis klessis for stirring up my faith.
Sis Klessis, thank you for being the sheperd of my life. In many ways, you have gone beyond your call of duty because of your love for us and for me. I realised one thing when u shared about how u couldnt tell pastor who loved you in the cellgroup, a person cannot feel loved just because we quietly do so , but we have to demonstrate our love for them through our acts of kindness and words in season. Just like when we reach out to our friends, we have to show them our love through our actions.
Pastor Sun, Pastor Kong, Pastor Lillian, Brother Victor, Sistor Yvonne, Sis Klessis, Brother Isaiah are leaders i know and respect who have been examples of what Love means. These people are reflections of the verse i often love >>
1st Corinthians 13:4-7>>
Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.sis kless thanks for reminding us that we should never be harsh when we minister or counsel. SInce i entered polytechnic, i have grown to be a very direct person. Someone who can be too direct and blunt at times. Someone who can just shoot my mouth off without thinking of how my words may hurt people. Thank God i didnt realise this character flaw too late. I realised that the same things may be said with more power and impact if i speak sincerely, with a heart of humility and with a gentle tone, not to put anyone down but to want to bring them up. 2nd timothy 2: 24-26 : And a servant of the Lord must not quarrel but be gentle to all, able to teach, patient, in humility correcting those who are in opposition, if God perhaps will grant them repentance, so that they may know the truth, and that they may come to their senses and escape the snare of the devil, having been taken captive by him to do his will. This has been the way my leaders have been correcting me and i am thankful because their gentle counsel brought me up from my valleys and brought me to where i am today.
Of coz different leaders have different approaches. Some are gentle, some are harsh at appropriate times. But at all times, whether my leaders are gentle or harsh, i must be submissive to my leaders with Godly fear. I
learnt this lesson the difficult way. Haa, before sis klessis, n252 was taken by sis selena for a few months. Sis Selena truly has been sent by God into my life for a purpose. When she was my leader, i couldn't deal well with her harshness and style of leadership. I felt oppressed in every way and condemned. Let me now dwell more about what i learnt from sis selena
condemnation arises from our own pride and low self esteem. Jesus did not come to condemn. I realised that i chose to feel condemned. Nobody made me feel this way. Self esteem is very important. i did not know then who i am in God and where i am going. I was not secure in his love.
everyone of us is here on earth to bring different types of people to the kingdom of God.
Sis selena is a light to many many lost rebellious young teens. Teens who have a difficult past, teens with little hope for the future. Her Hipness and ability to click and joke with them at their level makes her the connecting vessel between them and God.
Humility. I regret to say that due to my own childishness, sis selena even apologized to me for how i felt. I was having my outburst and there she was with all humility saying sorry to something she didnt mean to do or didnt do at all. I failed to see that behind that strong voice, here is a woman who truly loves God and love her sheep and love me. Who has sacrificed all of her time and energy to do the works of the Lord. I have sinned against God and against this woman of God by my words and actions. I grieved the Holy Spirit. Be angry but do not SIN god reminded me after the episode. I was angry and i failed to have self control over my emotions. I learned the importance of guarding my heart. Having control over my thoughts and emotions. If i cant control them, then satan can easily plant thoughts to distract me frm the destiny and vision God has planted in me.
Everything we go through in life has a purpose.
Every good thing or bad thing that we experience is good for us. I am not proud of this episode but i am glad i went through it. Lets use every experience we go through to minister to others.
God did not allow us to go through them without reason, He wants us to use his teachings in our problems and turn them around for good and use what we learn to help others who may go through the same thing. How can we be relevant to the unchurched if we do not have problems. The difference between us and them is that we have God. We have the solution but they dont. I want to bring solutions to them and i believe with all of my heart that i can be a vessel for God.
I had a revelation from romans 6.19. Obey the calling of God and many will be brought to righteousness. When Pastor asked me 1 year back about whether i want to be a leader, i told her not yet. Since that day, i have actually quietly regretted what i said. i felt incompetent in the word of God and in my character and capacity to be a leader. I always had the fear of failure. Fear of misguiding people. Fear of being a bad example. fear of hearing people say " huh, shes a leader from CHC? " u mean a leader is like that? "And i have so many character flaws like not being able to remember names well, not able to quote verses off hand, impatient at times etc. But i know that God is not interested in all these. God just wants a willing heart. God can turn my weaknesses into strengths. I made a vow to God 2days ago abt sth. And i wld be sure to keep to it.
Here i am Lord, use me ...
back from china after 17days!
im finally back from china! and i realli do miss so many people while i was there ! so many thoughts and experiences to share ...
about china ..
i went many places
huangshan where i almost died climbing up
the great wall of china >> which i almost died of fright climbing down ( i realised im abit phobic of heights after climbing all these mountains ! no more mountains for me except bukit timah hill ..wahahah)
gu lang yu in xiamen
beijing >> which i realli realli dislike due to several substantial reasons (people, food, toilets, sights)
fuzhou >> the food is so so so good !!! and my friend's family are so so very nice ..beyond my imagination.
Zhangzhou >> a village by the min jiang. stayed in my friend's home by their fish, prawn, clams farm.
i feel very blessed to be able to travel to so many places based on singapore $1000. This includes my air ticket to beijing on a 5 day tour, 2 overnight train rides to and from Huangshan, 2 coach rides, 17days of food and accomodation and shopping ! It was a challenge to stay within the budget and im so proud to say tt i did it!! Friends..hehehe tt means do not expect fantastic souvenirs..kekeke...
To my dear tristanthank you so much for standing in the gap with my mom. I cant communicate my gratitude as well verbally as i can do it here. My sistor say u very on and i agree ...I remember how u will used to feel awkward sitting in with my big family, it seems like tt has changed ! My family is really impressed that u sacrificed time after work and church to rush and see my mom in the hospital and at my home. U didnt have the convenience of the car and still you did it. It was a sacrifice well worth it becoz through your actions my mom can sense how u really do care for her. Thanks for loving the ger and loving the people around her ( hahaha trying to translate ai wu ji wu)
Thank you dear for always being thoughtful. After im back from china then i realised tt u were troubled by some things while i was away. I know u didnt tell me then because u didnt wanna make me worried. Dear, sometimes i feel helpless because u r so much better with the word of God than i am. Such tt it seems u always help me more with my problems than i do with yours. The only consolation i have now is tt i can pray to God to help you through the trials you r facing. And i know tt u r one of the few whom sincerely love the Lord with all your heart. Jesus loves you and I love you too :)
To sis klessisThank you so much for caring for my mom and my family in general. My mom knows you bought the fish essence and appreciates it. My brother even said today that you are such a nice girl . hahaha you and tristan make me feel like im not doing enough ah ...heheehehe...
. I read your blog and caught up on all that i missed the past few days im away. So many thoughts and so many things i learned ! Your blog is such an inspiration to me. Whether it is a troubled or happy entry, i always learn sth from it. Sis klessis, i really appreciate all that you DO or even NOT DO for me. You always noe the balance to strike such that i would grow in my walk with God and as a person. God must really love me for giving me such a self sacrificing, humble, confident, eloquent, sincere, appreciative, discerning and patient leader.
To MeilingThanks for sharing your heartache with me through the sms. You didnt share the exact problem but i noe thats not important. Whats important is that i was given the chance to feel what you feel and the chance to include you in my prayers while im away. All of us are shaped by different life experiences, different and varying degrees of hurts and disappointments and tts why we speak and behave as we do now. Honestly, I used to struggle with understanding you. I felt i only knew u on the surface. that time I often prayed to God to help me love you as he love me and to bond us together. And truly God answered my prayers. I had a breakthrough in thinking. I was finally able to look beyond whats right in front of me to whats behind and all around you. I have been such a self centered person, so full of pride. And im glad God rebuked me and taught me how to love and accept and understand others. I really do appreciate God for sending you into my life. People wants to know you more and more. Isnt that Good??? hehehe...it shows that you're worth the time and effort. You're a great friend to me and tristan :)
