i love my mom
Today X taught me further into guitar chords! In the beginning I just memorised the chords I had to play in the songs I want to learn, so it was always a ‘die memorize’ thing. Today I learnt what note each string represents and how I can
figure chords from A Bb B C C# D Eb E F F# G G# all just by knowing how to play A Am E Em. So excited to start figuring out the chords myself now. May take some time to do it fast, but thank the Lord for being taught how to do it! Thank you so much X !!!!
Today X got a job interview from Sydney. I wonder if this is how God is answering my prayers or maybe it isn’t. lots of factors to consider for him and his mom is so impressive! The way she advised him is like respecting his decision and yet giving him lots of practical advice to the details.
Yesterday I talked with my mummy over the phone! When I put down the phone, my housemate who was beside me all the way asked me who it was. She was very shocked to discover tt it was my mom ! She said
I spoke to my mom like she is my good friend. Hee..Then it dawned on me that I have a totally changed mindset about what my mom means to me le. Since mothers day service in ZPH, my
relationship and communication with my mom has improved tremendously. And I like talking to her now. I mentioned to her about some long term plans I have in my mind ( which I didn’t dare to even mention before because I am afraid she will be unhappy) and she actually said she will support me, monetarily if need be. Wah..i am so happy! My plans are all still tentative but I am just so happy my mom respects my thoughts and pending decisions like I am a girl big enough to make good decisions without having her to nag or scold.
I got to say that spending time a lot with God has brought about a lot of breakthroughs in different areas of my life, relationships, work, studies, mindset, perceptions, expectations, love and faith. I wish many others can see how God is so good if only we put him first. Its so hard to totally explain to others exactly how God is so good because it can never be put into a few words. It has to be experienced.
happyyyyyyy
Today is such a
happy day! Actually for the past week, everyday has been very happy! Today is exceptionally superbly feel good day coz
my statistics presentation went better than I expected! I am totally bad at anything to do with economics or statistics. I have taken 3 introductory modules on statistics before, once in college, once in university in Singapore and a third time here in curtin university. But not once had I felt like I fully grasp the concepts and understand the statistical methods or theory.
To me, statistics is a whole mesh of illogical S***. Hahahaha. Just last night when I had a run through practice with X for the statistics presentation today, I was still feeling unsure of my slides and what I was saying. I felt like if anybody were to ask me any qns, I would surely not know how to answer them.
Tell me to present for anatomy, biosciences, ethics, nursing practice etc and I can be sure that I can present without even preparing side notes. But for statistics, I had to have notes to read from. For all the previous statistics presentations by other people, 99% of the time, I didn’t have any clue what they were talking about. I was thinking in my mind “ s***, what the h** is this bulls***’ haaa…. I know I should stop swearing (s*** is a curse word in Australia, but I use it all the time in Singapore and here Lor…now gotta censor it hehee) . Anyway I shld stop beating around the bush. Today 4 people presented including me. I was the last one to go up basically coz everybody else were so enthusiastic to do theirs and I was the passive girl sitting there and being passive. Hahaha… among the 3 who went before me, 1 was quite badly done I must say , 1 was so damn cheem again like the first 4 last week coz these people do statistics in depth and the third one was good and well explained and clearly delivered. During my presentation, I was surprisingly calmed and organized in my delivery.
I felt like I knew what I was talking about and didn’t need any approving looks from the audience to keep my calm. Basically I just felt approved without trying to see if the audience and teacher r approving of me.. Must be God working!
Thank you X for your prayer this morning and thank you God for answering my prayers from this morning ! God is wonderful. At the end of the presentation, the teacher said “
wow estee, I am very impressed with you presentation. You really went down to the mathematics involved in statistics, good job. I really enjoyed it” and he also didn’t shoot me any questions and neither did he attempt to explain to the group about the things I presented which he did for the other 3 people. Basically I got the best comments for today! I am so happy !
Even though what I presented is not superbly cheem statistics, but God turned it around and made it simply impressive! Hee…and today I felt like my prayer about
“god let them not despise my youth and lack of experience” has come true! After my presentation, my professor kept giving me approving nods and looks which he never did before! Hallelujah! Later going to watch
pirates of the carribean with my beloved housemates kylie and jenny…the little things can be so happy when we learn to see them as it is and not think too much into tomorrow.
love
If I could speak in any language in heaven or on earth but didn’t love others, I would only be making meaningless noise……and if I had the gift of faith so that I could speak to a mountain and make it move, without love I would be no good to anybody. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my own body, I could boast about it, but if I didn’t love others, I would be of no value whatsoever.
Love is patient and kind
Love is not jealous or proud or rude
Love does not demand its own way
Love is not irritable and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged
It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.
Love never gives up
Love never loses faith
Love is always hopeful
Love endures through every circumstances.
There are three things that will endure – faith, hope and love
And the greatest of these is love
Today I feel God is speaking to me about Love.
I went through a moment when I felt so confused about myself and someone else and frustrated that the understanding that took time to build suddenly seemed to vanish in those split seconds. To love can be so hard. We can try and try, but by our own strength we are weak. In the midst of it all, I suddenly lost my self identity. But thank God for being around for me. I am weak but he is strong. His voice comforts me like no one else’s voice can. God spoke to me today in the midst of some heartaches. He said “ love like I love you my dear girl…do not be angry, but love like I love you.’ In the little bit of a few minutes, I cried out to God and He answered me like a father teaching and comforting his daughter. I am not perfect and God knew that right before He made me. But I am uniquely formed to be beautiful in my own way. When somewhere along the vase cracks, God repairs…
Someone said this to me before ‘love is not enough’
I think as the bible says, there are 3 things that will endure forever, and the greatest of it all is LOVE. Love will endure if we learn to love like God loves us. I want to love like how God loves me.
Love is patient and kind
Love is not jealous or proud or rude
Love does not demand its own way
Love is not irritable and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged
It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.
Love never gives up
Love never loses faith
Love is always hopeful
Love endures through every circumstances.
Was reading the book of samuel today and chanced upon a well known chapter of David and Goliath. Although such a common story, this chapter gave me more faith upon reading it.
Goliath was a giant in the army of the philistines since he was a boy. When Goliath challenged the Israelite army to a one on one fight, every single person in the army of the Israelites were full of fear and nobody had the courage to step out even when King Saul offered a great reward.
David, a boy at that time taking care of his father’s sheeps was the first and only person who stepped out and said he would fight goliath. What impacted me most is when david said “ the Lord who saved me from the claws of the lion and the bear will save me from this philistine’ (NLT). In every single task that the lord had put in our paths (such as david being put in charge of caring for his father’s sheeps), the Lord has a purpose and the purpose of the little things will lead to the greater plans the Lord has for us. Through the little every day tasks, the Lord is moulding and training us to be his warriors. Physically, mentally, emotionally, we are being trained.
In caring for sheeps, David has learned how to go after lions and bears with his club when they come and steal a lamb, he had learnt to catch the animal by the jaw and club it to death. Even though David’s experience was specific to lions and bears, he did not have a doubt that he could fight a giant man trained in the army for most of his life. David never questioned his ability. He had never allowed his lack of experience be an excuse to shortchange the power and strength he believes that the Lord has planted in him since birth. The Israelite army did not have faith. They had head knowledge that their abilities were based on experience and since they never had the experience of fighting a giant, they all thought they surely could not do it. David had faith. He did not see himself as his own, but He saw himself as God’s own. THE LORD WHO SAVED ME , he said. He added ‘TODAY THE LORD WILL CONQUER YOU’ to goliath who had looked down on him. ‘ IT IS HIS BATTLE, NOT OURS. THE LORD WILL GIVE YOU TO US’. I can say I wish I can be a person like David, whose faith took away his fear. It is time I stop wishing. It is time to believe that ‘ YES THE LORD WILL DELIVER ME FROM MY CIRCUMSTANCES.’ To some others ‘YES THE LORD WILL GIVE ME THE JOB OF MY DREAMS’ , ‘YES THE LORD WILL PROTECT ME AND HEAL ME FROM ALL SICKNESSES’, ‘YES THE LORD WILL GUIDE ME IN MY ASSIGNMENT WRITING AND IN MY EXAMS’.
We have tools to do the basics, such as to use our hands to write, use our time to revise, do research, study, but beyond that, a lot of things are beyond our control. I am weak for I am human. I have limitations to the things I can and want to do. But I do my best and pray and believe that God will surely do the rest!
DO MY BEST AND GOD WILL DO THE REST !
God always sends help in the little voice of the Holy Spirit (that we must learn to hear) or in the form of other people, angels in disguise.
I may be young, little experience, not too smart, but like David, I believe God can make me a success. You can be a successful lecturer, businessman, trader, husband, wife, daughter, son, mother, father, friend etcetc. I can be a head nurse even though I may not be the best now, I can be a nursing lecturer in the most prestigious nursing university, I can be the best mother to my kids in the future and the best wife to my husband, the best daughter to my parents, the best friend to my friends..all because of GOD….
why do i allow little things frustrate me
today was a full day at work in subway.
Work was very relaxing surprisingly. Comparing to usual thursdays, today was unusual hee. worked from 1130 to 5pm but was up since 7am . Quite tired initially but a good cup of
hot mocha double shot from muffin break was a real energy booster!
Lee my supervisor asked me if i was bogged down by assignments and school , which caught me by surprise as i did not feel lethargic or anything. I know the last time i saw him i was very tired hence i had v slow responses hee. But today i was ok ..hahaha but one thing i did realise abt myself is tt
i am less kan jiong then when i first join subway. Lee is a singaporean also. But his family is in Perth.
He presents himself at work as a super gan jiong king. ALways talking fast, rushing, on the move with his hands and feet , always seem to be in danger of knocking someone over but yet so fast on his feet tt he can avoid, swerve and do all kinds of stunts. And this happens even when there are not much customers. I told him before ' lee dun be so gan jiong la' hahaa. Very gutsy of me to tell my supervisor tt ah ..haha...coz i tink he is gan jiong unnecessarily sometimes. And his gan jiong-ness is very infectious. When i stand beside him, i get v anxious for nothing. Well why i shared this story was because
i think i have gotten the australian culture of being relaxed . Hahaha...to make it sound bad, its laziness...on a positive note, its just
learning how to enjoy life...hahaaa. Now u can often see me squating and eating my double chocolate chip / macademia nut subway cookie whenever i get the chance. But i still dun think i am inefficient or ineffective or being paid for nothing. Coz i still do what i need to do, i still try to stand in the gap for people whenever i can and i do what can be done without being told. Haha...just tt my whole body language is not in a gan jiong stance.
After work , i went to do
groceries shopping. Intending to cook
chicken w red wine and herbs tmr for lunch w X. ( oh yah i forgot to share tt i tried to cook 3 dishes last thursday which was quite a success > sweet fish curry with toasted almonds, fried cauliflower, soy and sesame pork w choy sum )
Every thursday is grocery shopping to cook something special and something i never cook before on friday! hee i really enjoy doing this. I really need to stop being a miser and comparing prices too much . I always
see the weight of the item, see if different brands with same weight different price. The brand name is known or not , if the extra price would be worth it or not etc. Hence i can spend a super long time in the super market. like such an auntie already. Not even housewife yet. Aiyaaa....tsktsk. hence today i missed my bus to go home because i did not leave enough time to walk from the supermarket to the bus stop. I am always very good with time, i can plan well ahead what time i need to leave a place etcetc. but today the cashier made me wait for 5mins before she cld serve me. 5 mins is a long time as i had not put it in my plan to walk to the bus stop.heeeee...oh well... Haizz...by the time i reach the bus stop, it was gone or either tt, it never came ( perth transport suckssssss) anyway there was not one soul at the busstop. I had to get help from Mingchoon who got help from his brother mingxian. Aiyo, i hate to trouble people. in perth, always need to trouble those who drive. Feel bad.
Anyway its a blessing to know these selfless people. Anyway why do i put the blog entry title as such is because,
i had allowed the fact tt i missed the bus to frustrate me. When X called, i was
quite grouchy and i felt bad . But knowing myself,
i know the way out of blowing it on anyone is to avoid talking altogether. I guess all this comes with age and experience. A few yrs ago, when i was less self aware and ironically self centred, i would have just put my frustration on someone close. . Furthermore, at the back of my mind, i knew i wld find a way out of it and i knew i wld be able to get someone to fetch me. Still i got frustrated. and
although i didnt bang my frustration on X, i tink anyone cld have sense the displeasure of the situation in my voice. Hence i may have also caused a bit of 'yuan wang' feeling in X and X probably feel bad for not being able to help me. Which i totally dun think is anybody else's fault except mine and transperth.Now i am able to rationalize very quickly what the roots of my frustration are and how i can avoid unnecessarily hurting someone close. But i am still upset w myself tt i had even got frustrated in the first place at something so small Haaa...
Lord help me to be a more patient person, not easily frustrated by circumstances not entirely within my control. As it says in the bible, be slow to anger...quick to forgive. Small things will not frustrate me in Jesus name . Amen !!!!!
having a relationship w God. Focusing on the puzzle pieces...
Today this entry is dedicated to God.
ONE MORE TIMELord, i saw your face last nightwhen i looked in the skyyou were smiling you told me it would be okayyou would make a way in my dark times choruseverytime i hear your voiceeverytime i feel your touchit makes me know that i can facetomorrowone more timewhen all my friends go awayi'll be glad to sayyou're still near meeven when the wind blows byi feel warm insideyour're so lovelyBridgei need you, don't leave me without you i can't surviveverse 2i know that i can face tomorrow cause you will walk me throughmy pain and sorrowi know that i can face tomorrowone more time ____________________________isn't it great? =) sang this song with the choir during a performance on mothers day. actually i did forget some lyrics during the performance, i had to pretend i know by closing and opening my mouth..hahaah..i hope nobody realised tt. Anyway its coz i was so dead tired. Slept only 1 hr on sat before service. Hence i slept from 5am to 6am then woke up to get ready for church. My brain was half dead. hee..but thank God i was not half bad .. i think ..keke...
church service was a breakthrough for me.
As a christian for about 6 years, i have attended 6 mothers day services, but none has impacted me in the way Pastor Joyce's message has and the way Zion Praise Harvest church's service had. I cant stop crying esp when Pastor Joyce started to cry in the midst of preaching. She looked at her mother in the audience and thanked her with the most heartfelt words. A few testimonies were shared by a few people about their moms. I cant stop crying.
Everything nice reminded me of my mom. If people know me well, they know i am not close to my mom. I have alot of grudges from the past that i have never let go despite how they r all in the past. But from now, i can only be happy to think of my mother.
I miss her so much and i've never missed her so much before. Now i think of
how good she has been to me and all my sistors and brothers. How she single handedly brought us up by herself and had to often get help from friends. How many friends went away when she needed help and only a few stayed. My mom has a bad temper. She is v strong willed.
Circumstances have made her this way. Christians in the past have let her down terribly and hence she threatened to kick me out when she first found out that i recieved christ. Despite this, she gave in to my belief when she saw how it is helping me. She is still a staunch buddhist, but she takes me to church when she can.
My mom is great! She has sacrificed so much for me. During the times when i was rude to her , when i argued back alot of times in the past, when i was grouchy and moody everyday, when i cryed endlessly, when i was a problem kid with asthma, bronchitis and hard on finances, sleepwalk, have recurrent bad nightmares, when i refused to listen to her....my mom still always loved me. She is not the kind of mom who is gentle or affectionate. She is strong, fierce and can be sacarstic at times. But she is still the
greatest mom! A mom's love is indescribable. I
called mom before service on sunday, but after service i called again..this time i spoke to her like i had never spoken to her before. i cried and told her how i missed her. Something i have never done. I told her ' mom i know i can be naughty (which she readily agreed hee) , but i still care alot about you etcetc' I love mom!
Seeing how i was before, i wonder if i had a kid like myself when i am a mom next time, can i take it? haha..makes motherhood sound so scary. But God will provide! God will intercede , God will mould us through our own children..i am looking forward to having my own children..
i often go home after a CHC service with alot of
impactful head knowledge. CHC messages were always fantastic !! always well preached, the whole service with the strong anointing of the Holy spirit. ZPH is a small church of about 500 plus (mainly students) taking place in a lecture theatre in Curtin. But it is in ZPH, in perth that i literally feed on the word of God to survive. I
carry the message home not just in my head now, but in my heart and truly wanting to live them. Is it because ZPH is better than CHC or Perth better than Singapore? NO. this is a revelation for me....our lives can only be truly renewed and transformed by God only when we have a relationship with God. Has our quiet time with God become a drag? is it a pleasure and a sure must that we spend some time just with God in our rooms, with the bible, guitar, note book and a prayer list? Is our prayer list full of ' god bless me in this and that' , god can you do this , god can you not do that? Do we tell God what to do? Do we say that we want God's will and plan but yet in our hearts we already decided what we want God to do? I used to do all these.
Being self centred , not really having a relationship with God, only just a shell beautifully decorated but empty inside. God sees past the shell no matter how beautiful it may appear to be. God looks at our inner man, our heart. God knows our every intention.
Will God show us his plans if we are that empty shell? I do not dare to say for others. But in my life, God only really started showing me his plan when i started to genuinely come before him everyday with trust that everthing is in his hands. When i start to lose control over things in my life and lift my burdens up to Him without carrying them back. When every single decision i make is prompted by His voice. Only when i started to build a trusting relationship with God then did i see his blessings and plans for me. Maybe i can conclude that
if we r just beautifully decorated empty shell christians, God will still bless us because he is a good god. But we will not see God's blessings, because we are too focussed on getting the big picture now, too focussed on what God has not done or given to us. Hence we do not see what He is already doing and giving to us , we do not see how he is providing the little puzzle pieces that all goes into making that big picture that we desire. Without the little pieces, we cannot even attempt to piece them together and form the big picture. Hence at the end of the day, God may send an equal amount of blessings on two different people but only the one who has persisted in prayer, persisted in trusting God no matter how difficult the situation is, persisted in asking God for His will to be done and not our own will, will achieve the desired outcome. This reminds me of cooking or baking. 2 people can have the same ingredients presented in front of them, but if one chooses to do it his or her own way while another chooses to follow the ways or recipe of a reputable chef, then we all should know how the outcome will be so different. Same ingredients, different outcomes. " sometimes we look so long and hard on the closed door that we fail to see the door that God has opened up for us " .
recently had been having alot of late nights...but each late night was full of joy ! praise the Lord. I really don't know whether to say it here or not coz afterall though this is my own blog meant for all my thoughts, i am also aware that its also a public domain at the same time. Hmm
let me just say that I have found my 2nd lovex ! God is my first love !!! indeed God has everything under control . He is in control all the time. If we are patient to wait, patient during trying times , not blaming God when we don't understand how He has allowed bad things to happen to us
( note that devil sends bad things but the devil has to ask God for permission to send the bad things to test God's people. Hence God decides if he will allow the devil to carry his evil plan) God will soon unravel his goodness and show his plans for us so clearly , miraculously , so shockingly that we know immediately it is from no one, not ourselves, but only from God..
My life now has taken a turn, to the way in which i know that God is dictating my every move. To the way in which i know when something is in the will of God and in His plan.
Even when some things of the future seem uncertain, i still have peace in my heart. Peace and understanding that God will move in his timing. Peace that God will help me work things out. Peace that it is all in His plans..
Blessed saturday
Dear diary..
today was another great blessed day .Honestly God has been so good to be these few days. after the valleys of last week, everything seems to be going uphill le.
talking about the little blessings of everyday ..today theres a few more
after work at subway, i was really really tired. Its mothers day tmr so alot of people were at carousel shopping . So we had
alot alot of customers. I was
doing the breads which means i am the first person in line to ask the person a series of questions 1)
how may i help you ? (they will go on, think as long as they like, ask qns)
2)
what kind of bread would you like? ( alot of time they will blah everything they want including the salads without mentioning the most impt thing which is the bread they want)
3)
what do you want in it ? ( as in meat)
4)
toasted or fresh ( i always have to 'scream' this question coz they always cant hear it ..or maybe the way i say it ...i realised today when i kinda shouted , alot understood unlike other days. if toasted the meat can go on the bread directly , if fresh the meat must go into microwave.
5)
what kind of cheese would u like ( 4 kinds to choose from , tell them if they dunno, some just say yes. so i just put cheddar means they have not preference bahzzz)
6)
proceed to tell them my colleague will do the salads for them .hence being the bread person is the
busiest toughest part to play while working.
i had a dry throat and
cant even squat down from my position to drink water for 3 straight hrs. yess there were
3 straight hrs of customers. and yes
3 straight hrs i asked every single person the above questions. DUn forget,
each customer has his or her funny personalities...grouchy , say everything so fast thinking i can remember while stil cutting up the bread, those who love to talk and explain why they choose this and that, those who so busy chatting w their friends tt i wanna tel them to go chat and come back later and let me serve the 'serious' customers.haha..
After this tiring work , i went to do some window shopping groggily and then went to do groceries. by the time i got to groceries, i think i felt so groggy man...it was almost 5 , hence almost closing time and all the registers were flooded with long lines and trolleys literally flooded w groceries...then a BLESSING !
I was in line in register 6 . then a lady at line 7 who had so so so much groceries ( like 5 super long loaves of bread, a few 1 kgs packs of frozen food , lots of junk food etc etc) looked at me and said that i can go ahead of her! There were other people in line 6 with me who had not much food but she looked at me and told me to go before her in line 7 since she got so much and i had little to pay for.
She looked at me and not the others who were all within sight. Wah god is so good. Subsequently after paying, i walked briskly as it was almost time for the last bus ! and
thank God i made it in 1 min before the bus came. If the lady had not let me go ahead of her in a different line, i wld never have made it for that bus ! God is so good...i had such a good time tonight..went out with a few friends for jap dinner and bubble tea with card game. and the thing is, the outing wasnt planned beforehand. the game was so fun ...feel so good..relaxed...though i was actually so tired..God turned things around for good...
blessings in the little things of life
Hee i had a wonderful thursday ..
woke up at 8am for
work at 10am ...seems like another day..sleepy from lack of sleep and groggy from taking my anti histamine too late in the night...hee...work was draggy..
wasnt my usual hyper super hard working self... Lee commented tt i seem lethargic ..hee..thank God big boss was not around..work was testing. Customers are wierd.
When we are the customers, we never see how wierd we can appear in front of the people at food counters. All kinds of customers man...but this job is good...helps me come into contact w how aussies talk and think and behave....
anyway...after work went to do
grocery shopping..sounds boring but the exciting part is coming up ! i bought so much groceries coz its been 1 week since i bot groceries and also becoz i am cooking lunch for X later .. going to try
3 new dishes i discovered from food magazines. And
X is my guinea Pigz..*evil laughter*....in fact i am so excited, its almost 4am now and i already feel like not sleeping at all and preparing the ingredients for lunch le. hahaa...
anyway i got out of point.
i bot so much groceries that i couldnt even carry them !! it seems so easy to throw everything into the trolley and pay for them. Then after paying for them,
the practicality of carrying them home by public transport sank in. There was no way i could carry it even to the bus stop. I smsed a friend and tried to think of all other possible friends who drive and may be in the shopping centre ..then Hallelujah!!!!!!! i saw
AAron from YA!!!!!! wah god is so good. Must be my prayer in the morning .....so end up
aaron carried my groceries and fetched me Homeeeee.....wah eternally grateful to him and God...God is so good.
Another angel is
thomas...had
choir practice tonight to practice for
mothers day service this weekend .after practice thomas brought us to satisfy me and pauline's
bubble tea cravingss..plus he ta pau for many others ...so sweet manz..he and charlyn were having this 'fight' as to who pays for the bubble teas he bot for her...aiyoz ...farnie..anyway i realised thomas is a v nice guy to chat with. Me and pauline had a good time chatting w him till the bubble tea shop closed. A good listener and a good speaker .... he then went around fetching bubble teas to diff people ..and fetch me to X place so i can bless X too with bubble Tea ! Wah lao..i feel very grateful to people who ferry me around ...thank You God....
I love God
im starting to really appreciate wine esp since they are so cheap in perth. Especially those late harvested ones. Currently i am drinkin a 2005 late harvest riesling. I must
improve my alcohol tolerance. Coz i get red easily and people think i am drunk when i am not. So hopefully drinking a small amount every night will improve tt! no worries, i am not an alcoholic. Im a
winoholic !! wahahaa....
Mr X cooked Hor fun for me todaY! wah lao..first time eating
homecooked horfun and it was one of the things i am craving for this week! and it was so gooood, the kind where the noodles are stir fryed with caramel black sauce and then the thick sauce cooked seperately consisting of eggs, prawns, pork etc and then added on the noodles ! and Mr X did all that in a v short time...i wish i had a dad like Mr X man...who needs mothers then..hahahaa....okok i take that back. talk about God answering prayers of food cravings, i had them so many times this year..haha..but then ah i didnt pray about food la. i guess
God heard my thoughts hahaha...
Today was a
very good day. Thank you God.
I love you for spitting me out of the fish like Jonah in the bible. I love you for not treating me like Job who has it much worse off and is sth i yet can take. I love you for teaching me many things through difficult times. I love you for sending people to take care of me. I love you for helping me to change to a person who do not dwell too long in a bad thing....As i read through some of my past entries, i realised i seriously
seem like quite a contradicting person . like i can say i have moved on finally and happily then suddenly an entry pops up after that abt how im struggling againz. It occurred to me im not contradicting myself. I am merely a human being.
Believing that i have moved on and yet still having doubts. Its like having faith and yet having doubts at the same time. Ive never been thru
so many ups and downs in such a short time. Even if there is going to be another valley, i pray that God you will help me go through it with your strength. I love God!
thank you god for your providence
i feel very blessed to have good brothers around me
just this morning when i felt abit sad, a sister encouraged me alot and then a brother invited me for lunch tmr and he's cooking!!!! for once i am not the one cooking for another...wah lao so pampered man...
and after that another blessing! i wanted to study today! i have told subway not to put me on days except thurs and sat so i can focus on my studies. But being indoors for too long can get my mind wandering too much to the negative. I do pray and i do spend time with God ..but i still need time out from home or school. And another wonderful brother promised to take me out. in 3 hrs i will have my cravings of
fast eddys and watch SPIDERMAN 3 !!!!!!! something to look forward to while i am studying !!!! i enjoy talking with guys. Guys are simpler and more easy going. Guys listen and not judge. Guys are slow to get angry and are more forgiving .hahahaah ... wah lao speaking against my own kind.
Just last night i thank God 2 brothers treated me to KTV and dinner at hawkers cuisine! the food was so good and the KTV was fantastic. I love to sing! I love the MTVS. i love to feel the meaning of the songs and the story behind each song ! One brother commented i sing well too !! wahahaha ....BHB...and u noe out of faith
i told my landlord i am going to move out in 4 weeks ( due to various reasons like internet, high rent, noisy neighbours, dangerous neighbourhood etcetc ) although i havent found a new place yet. And then
Isaac told me his new home is going to be ready in less than 4 weeks. Aaron (from YA) is going to move in to stay w him too ! The rent wld be less than my current place, the room bigger and he even lets me choose the size of my bed !!!!! the only setback is the location is quite far from school . But then again i dun have classes in school . just need to go school see my professor once or twice a week and borrow books if i need. But still
location is a big big setback coz most of my friends here live around my current area and they are always picking me up to go out and if i live in canning vale , i dunno if they wanna drive tt far to get me man ! Isaac seems to be really good at trying to tempt me over. He is even trying to get
a car for me so i can drive and everything wont be so far le!!!!!! wah lao ..wat a good offer. No no ..he has no ulterior motives except maybe he expects me to do housework and cook for them every night !!!!! hahaah . This guy is going to get married in Jan next yr. Then his singaporean wife will come and stay in their new home here next yr !!!!! aRGGHHH i need guidance from GOD. cannot be easily tempted !! must pray !!
I thank God for sending people to take care of me during my weakest times....thank you Lord for your providence.
moving on ...
in a short time, i thank God for some people who He sent to remind me to move on
A friend just told me abt his breakthrough in thinking!
This friend Mr X has more or less been facing the same things as i have.
He told me that its time for him to move on and not let the past drag him down anymore
there are many new things waiting for him
its time to stop hovering around !!!!
exactly, i feel the exact same way this morning even before we spoke
i noe feelings of the past will still come back and haunt me now and then but God is omnipresent and omni powerful ! and i know i will be an overcomer through Him who strengthens me.
Sometimes it is in a foreign country, being away from family and our local friends that we can truly grow up and totally trust in the Lord's powerful plan.
When i return to Spore, i will be totally changed, renewed and transformed into a woman with a clear vision and purpose. A woman who not only can cook, clean and take care of a household well, but a woman with a career , a woman with an influence in the marketplace !!!!!!!! things are going to so change....
regret
after hearing and reading some things abt him
i realised he is not worth it
i regret what i did
i regret ever calling him with the idea he still cares
in fact i am angry
i am angry and sad
its time to move on .
if you are reading this coz its not privatised!
then i want to tell you that after 5 years ! you moved on real quick
exploring options! that was real fast.
thanks man . i tot i knew you
i dun .
i am a great girl u noe. alot of guys and girls here tell me that.
you are a great guy too . but i guess the difference is, i still appreciate you.
for you, new options .
letting go
why is letting go of the past so hard
why do i like to think back and think of how good things were then
why do i like to think of how good tristan was to me before
why do i regret that i have let go of such a good guy
why do i not remind myself of the reasons for the break up like he remembers
why do i not remember that breaking up wld draw both of us closer with God and fulfill our individual callings.
why can i not move on like he seems to be
why do i have to call and give him the feeling ' shit, going back to the past again'
why do he no longer say ' i call you back later' instead he says ' i talk to you another day '
why do he no longer care or love me
i dont like to be vulnerable like i was and i am now.
i dont like to eat up every single available biscuits, chocolates, cereal, bread, subway that i have in the house like i did yesterday and the day before.
i dont like to drink wine in excess
i hate myself when i get out of control
i dont like to think that others don't care
i dont like to think that i am alone in all these becoz there are people with bigger problems
i am blessed to be alivei am blessed to be healthy i am blessed to have a guitar and be able to play iti am blessed to have friends who care like janica, aaron, debbie, charlyn, elle, yvonne, jolin, jenny, kylie, shane, mingchoon, darryl, zhisheng.i am blessed to have a family , all healthy , living in a comfortable housei am blessed to have my own room in sporei am blessed to have my own room here in perthi am blessed to own a bible and be able to read it whenever i want, openlyi am blessed to have housemates who let me cry on their shoulders and tell me they carei am blessed to have a housemate to drive me to sch when it is darki am blessed to own a laptop , ipod nano, a prada wallet, a ericsson hp , a camera i am blessed to be sponsored by the goverment to study herei am blessed to be able to buy clothes and shoes when i need or want. i am blessed with friends in cell who own cars and drive me here and therei am blessed to be a qualified registered nurse and a qualifed professional bridal make up artiste. i am blessed to be told that i cook welli am blessed to be told that i bring light to the cell group i am blessed to be able to sing for God and serve God in usheri am blessed to be able to play guitar for cell i am blessed to be taught how to improve my guitari am blessed when people invite me for a meal and cook for mei am blessed when people celebrate with me when a test is overi am blessed to have a partner like tristan for almost 5years. i am blessed that he still picks up his phone or calls me back whenever i call i am blessed that my friends in spore still ask about me i am blessed that my stepfather is a nice gentle, kind, sweet , mild tempered, hardworking mani am blessed my mom is a strong, kind hearted, good cook , good baker, good sewer, caring, allowing me to go church, drive me around woman. i am blessed eliza my sister is a generous, caring, strong, focussed, forgiving person. i am blessed elroy my brother is a kind hearted, caring, determined and patient guyi have purposely written down all these not to boast but to remind myself how blessed i am in life. When things seem purposeless, i tend to focus on what is wrong and not what is right in my life.. its time to focus on the good things i have in life. Things many others do not even experience in their whole lifetime. I am blessed. Its time to let go of the sad things and move on with the positive. i pray that God will help me never to look back again. this is the final time.
Jesus help me for i am weak and only you are strong enough to help memy friends or family cannot help me lordonly you know the cry of my heartonly you know the real weaknesses i have that even i am not awareJesus help me never to cry like a baby again Lord help me never to binge or drink in excess when i am stress but to come to you insteadhelp me not to make my family and friends worried about meLord heal my father of any heart problems he has now. Lord take away any anxieties in his heart. Lord give my mom the strength to support the family and my father now. Lord i pray you will take away all the gastric problems eliza is facing now. Lord i pray that you will strengthen her r/s with daniel and let promotion come at work. Lord give me the grace to go through times like this Lord help me focus on my researchLord i pray that my proposal would pass the committee with flying colours let no one despise my youth and lack of experience Lord help me get first class honours and be a salt and light of the earthLord help me be a good testimony of your goodnesslord help me to lift all my sadness and brokenness and past into your hands to take them awayIn Jesus name Amen
DEVIL GO AWAY
"Wait" By Russell KelferDesperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait.""Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply."Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word."My future and all to which I relate Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,Or even a 'no' to which I can resign."You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,We need but to ask, and we shall receive.And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,As my Master replied again, "Wait." So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run
."I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.You'd not know the
power that I give to the faint."You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see."You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart."The glow of my comfort late into the night,The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you askFrom an infinite God who makes what you have last
."You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.
"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."Ironically i got this from my ex bf's blog. Ive been v sad tonight abt it again. Thinking i made the wrong decision to break up again. And i am thankful tt this article he put in is reminding me of how God is in all of this. To know him better, to be moulded, to be made better, to experience pain becoz i will then grow up. It is on days like this when i am more free that the devil tries to rock my stability and security in God. I do not want to find security in man but in God. And this time, i am not just saying it. Words are nothing. Action and the renewing of my mind is what counts to God. Security in God. Devil GO AWAY !
