the process of grieving over lost
Dear BloggieIts such a different feeling that i come with before i started writing this entry. Mainly happy for the first time in 3 weeks. People like klessis and Gary and Sabie and lisa would know some of the things i have been struggling with and i am very thankful for people like them who are always around for me no matter how far i am in distance.
Indeed after the past few weeks, it seems i realised for the first time that i am a rather or very complicated person. Hahaha...i was quite shocked to hear gary say " yah we all know " ..hahah then i was like ..." errr....who is we? " seems like only i have been living in self ignorance. haha ..ignorant of how complex i am. My biggest flaw is > i think too much . Especially when i am living in a boring place like perth haha.
For the past few weeks, i have been thinking alot, to the point of excessive negative thinking. Thinking and wanting to go back to the past, regretting coming on this scholarship, regretting breaking up with tristan, being sad that he seems to have moved on and here i am being pathetic and silly and having hope of getting back when i was the one who wanted to end it, struggling with the current relationship and having alot of self created doubts abt it, thinking nobody cares at all, that i have no friends, wanting to live in isolation in my room away from everybody, not answering calls, not going church, not praying, overeating on junk food at night and feeling bad, overworking at subway, etcetc .....
by being so honest in such a public blog (which is not like multiply and i cant restrict it to certain people) about my near depression and stupidity and lack of faith in God is like being near nakedness in public....but i purposely wrote it all down for all who care to see because i want to admit my struggles and show how if i can walk thru it and come out victorious, anyone who go thru similar situations can also do the same. I tink one of my good points is that i can be quite open and honest with my thoughts because i know nobody is perfect. And i embrace the fact that i am imperfect and totally believe that confessing my mistakes and sins to people and God is the first step in the process of solving the problem and not allowing the problem get a hold on me.
Everything is a choice. God gives me choices and when i am unable to hear God, God sends people to help me. But at the end of the day, these people cannot do anything for me. Only i can choose to step out of all that depressing S*** . Right now, i have chosen and i am happy. The next time round when it hits me again, it will hit me less hard becoz i will be well prepared with the word of God, with the reminders of the good in me and with the support of special people.
Tristan was a good guy. He is the best supporter to me for almost 5 years and hence it is very hard for me to move on. I have experienced first hand what serious breaking up is like and the different stages of grieving over losing someone special. The lost of the physical and emotional connection is like losing a loved one to death. It had been a heart breaking period for me and it doesnt help that it is super boring perth. I had been grieving, going thru the stages of denial over the lost, sadness, anger, having false hope etc.
I am definately not new to grieving for i had lost my bestest frend of 7 years rachel wu sikorski to a drowning accident. that was in 1999. Its been 8 years already, and still i always think of her. Think of all the good things in her. I even bought a keyring with her name on it because i felt all the qualities written on the key ring was what she is like. delightful, easy going, ever present smile, helpful when a hand is needed, can be counted on in times of need, hard working, loving, gentle, kind to all, personifies patience and compassion. I had really loved this friend. We spent 1 -2mths studying together for O levels. Slept on the same bed and ate at the same table for tt 2 mths. and 1 mth later she passes away when we had promised to go on a cruise to celebrate together. It breaks my heart just thinking of how wonderful she is and how i wished she was still around.
Losing tristan was like losing another rachel. maybe 90% of rachel. He was my boyfriend and bestest friend of almost 5years after rachel and i felt i had lost him to God's plan. So if up till now i can still get sad and cry over rachel wu, then how will it be like with tristan. Of coz i will and probably have found the life partner God has intended to be more suitable for me, however it doesnt mean i cannot still remember the good old days and cry over the lost like i do for rachel. Losing someone special is part and parcel of life. and through the grieving process, God is strengthening me to be a stronger woman.
I have always counted my empatheticness to be my biggest strength. I am able to be put myself in the shoes of other people and feel their hurts and sadness for all of its worth. Its not just knowing tt people are sad and hurt. I can literally feel it like they r feeling it. Through my grieve and the hurts i have gone thru in life, i know for sure tt God is only using them to increase my ability to empathize. And thats why God has called me into Nursing. To be a healer. I believe through my sensitivity and compassion for sick people, for people down and out , i can be a part of their healing to wholeness. And living an imperfect life, a life of hurts and disappointments means i can relate to people who face the same things. I know there are many many out there facing bigger issues, and i used to feel bad for feeling so depressed over my little issues. But somehow i had this revelation that my issues are big to me now because i had never faced bigger ones. And slowly God is increasing my capacity to face bigger issues and help other people with similar issues.
This has been such a complicated entry that probably only reinforces the fact tt i think alot. hee...
posted by Ng Yashi @ 12:52 am
13 Comments:
Amen to that, sister. We are broken, only so God can make us whole.
Dear Estee, I agree so much with this.... u're a strong woman of God.
"Everything is a choice. God gives me choices and when i am unable to hear God, God sends people to help me. But at the end of the day, these people cannot do anything for me. Only i can choose to step out of all that depressing S*** . Right now, i have chosen and i am happy. The next time round when it hits me again, it will hit me less hard becoz i will be well prepared with the word of God, with the reminders of the good in me and with the support of special people."
i totally agree with what you said..memories are good and serves like a beautiful photo album. Once a while we take it out and smile at them, but when we close it, it's time for whats ahead. You have a beautiful album, made up of beautiful people. That, is already a great blessing :)
dear estee,
you know what needs to be done. you've got to be strong and do them.
memories of people who've impacted our lives are very important, and influence us. Yet we can't live in the past too... we've got to let go, and move on. Cherish their memories, but don't live in the past.
thanks xiang cen, sharine and gary and johnny. i have definately made a choice to move forward. I didnt mention it, but somebody i went to see kind of push it into the depths of my small brain certain facts tt made me realise tt its time to move on. Sometimes its the timing. Everybody can say the same thing to me and it doesnt seem to sink until its the right time. =)
You are very brave to be so honest about your thoughts and feelings... And I am glad to know you are slowly but surely emerging from your struggles. Let's spur each other on to press forward to what is ahead :)
I salute your openness & frankness. :)
Dear Estee, yes, what a truthful and heartfelt pouring and there are so many parts I want to say Amen to... You are strong, really... Not everyone would be able to stand up with strength and courage the way you did... n that's because we know we have an even larger God in us... Jia you.. during nights and times like this, do remember that God loves you the way you are, that when you are weak, He is still strong in you and that you are special in His eyes. :) I need this constant reminder myself sometimes too.
Hey Estee,
Im amazed i found your blog just by typing rachel's name in google.
anyways, i dont know if you remember me. its yen, rachels sister? anyways, i just wanted to tell you to be strong. i miss my sister all the time and i know how it feels.
anyways, take care!
<3 yen sikorski
Hi Estee,
You may be surprise seeing my note in your blog.
I may not know who you are, but I do know your friend, Rachel Wu. I stumbled across your blog by typing Rachel Wu's name. I was on the scene during the incident in Feb 7 1999. I could still vividly remember the day when the incident happened and the subsequent week after the incident. I am part of ODAC attending the camp & rafting event. I left RJ 2 months after the incident. If you do know anyone from RJ SO3D, do say hi to them for me. There are only 3 guys in the class excluding myself. If you tell them that the 4th guy in SO3D left you a note, I am sure they may be surprise as well.
Just want to say hi and take care.
Yu Wei
Hi,
It is Rachel's death anniversary today, and yes, like those who had left comments before, I came across your blog by typing rachel's name.
Glad to know that she has indeed impacted so many people's lives in a positive way : )
Wangxing
Hi, thanks for posting your thoughts and also about Rachel. I think about her from time to time. She is a really sweet girl. We were on the tennis team in RGS and she lived not too far from me so we went home together after outings. Hope her family and loved ones are doing well. She is dearly missed.
Hi i knew about this rachel wu back then in 1999 when she was drowned. Is a loss that she have left this world and if she is around she might have a good future life and career. To date i still rem this girl and hope she is reborn to a better place.
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