3 happy in 1 day
yipppeee....i got promoted from
subway trainee to subway staff in just 2 weeks! My boss said tt i am very good already how can remain as traineee...wahahaaaa...God is good. I hate it when customers look at my name tag ' estee trainee' and then cast doubting looks.. haha....today was surprising, we actually ran out of bread!!! and both ovens are spoilt. So some customers were quite unhappy tt they cant get their bread toasted .
and another happy thing! my housemate Jenny bought
KFCCC for dinner ! I had to toasted twister and 1 pc of spicy crispy chicken. Ive been craving for KFC every week man!!! I love KFC here....hahaa...
a third happy thing. some relevant job. I called
Royal Perth Hospital, and they are going to arrange an interview for me probably next week! Hope i can get a job there. Even as a patient care assistant i also happy!!!
saturday night at home!
right now i am sitting on my living room couch with 3 of my housemates around...we watching movies on tv together. Just finished ' bring it on ' ..v nice! i love kirsten dunst , therefore i also love spiderman. Now we watching birdcage. Never heard of this show before, but there's robin williams so shouldnt be too bad. =)
Yesterday was a bad day for me. SPent the whole day at home. Feeling alot of dizzy spells. Missed passion cell. Also had no dinner at home. Thank God got a friend met me up for drinks ' bubble tea' and i also had horfun at northbridge. I miss spore horfun. The Horfun yesterday was the thin kway teow kind. I like the flat big kind. hee. Bubble tea is good ! Seems like perth is so small. At northbridge my friend saw many of his friends and even i saw felix, kenny, brandon they all at the same chinese restaurant.
I burnt my finger at subway today. Now theres a blister on my little finger. The funny thing is i got burnt from contact with a oven melted cheese that landed on my finger and not from direct contact with the oven. Working in subway is hazardous. I also see allllll kinds of people ! people who ask for their change twice (insisting they never got their change when they did ) , people who insist they cant take pepper (when we acidentally added a little pepper ) when they added peppercorn garlic sauce on their sub, people who like to explain why they choose this vegetable, why they want it this way ( i mean honestly we r not interested in knowing their story or rationale behind each thing chosen when theres a long queue of 10 people waiting to be served) , people who complain that the low fat ham meal should also come with normal coke when it was obviously advertised both on tv and posters that it comes with a choice of only diet or coke zero!! so many different kinds of people....
After talking to daniel ( my older sister's boyfriend) , told him about some plans of mine, i finally feel reassured in a way about my tentative plans for my future... I must quickly find a job at the hospital la...no more subway and wasting my professional nursing skills! my friend who is also a nurse is going to help me on this!! my new objective for the week....fix up my nursing resume and find work in hospital ! hee
decision
i finally know what God wants in this situation
its been so obvious
what God wants is not what i had wanted
finally...time to let go. Happily
why do people stop caring
just tonight this sentence suddenly came to me
why do people stop caring like they used to
with expectations bring disappointments
then again there wont be any expectations if in the first place the person had never cared
is it wrong to expect the same level of care
i was never expecting more
the most hurting thing is
to be treated like ' u r just my acquaintance ' , ' u r just another member '
having to adjust to differential treatment on different days or timing
i shall stop expecting
put all my focus on my work
being caring in the little things are impt
the small picture is the big picture
thats why i even care when people r going home late at night ...
life is a struggle
unpredictable
life is unpredictable.
you never know what will happen ..
people always say, you never know what will happen tomorrow
i would like to change it to ...
you never know what will happen by the second..life can change in seconds
i can change a life in seconds
sounds powerful yea
but not in such a good way today
maybe its not me changing lives today
but somehow i cant seem to stop blaming myself
I have indirectly caused someone to suffer today ...
and that person means alot to me
i feel like murderizing myself
sometimes our intentions can be good
but the outcome is disaster
now when i look at person X,
i feel so much hurt.
the empty look
the confused look
the unbelief look
the undescribable look
the sad look
the disappointed look
the self comforting look
i didnt know what to say
for once a person like me have nothing to say
for once a person who knows what to say at the right time do not know what to say
i cant say anything but i can do something.
Lord guide me.
nothing to fill the vacuum
nothing to make X laugh
nothing to make X feel better
nothing to express how i want to give X a big hug and say its ok , im sorry, be strong.
nothing to make X smile
even a faint smile , i would be comforted.
the only time there was abit more talk was during cleaning...cleaning the C_____ . regretted spilling..but also thankful for it at the same time.
i feel alot for X
X has been a v good friend to me
God sent angel
God,i pray that you will take away all the pain X is experiencingeven your weakness is stronger than our strengthsi pray for courage and strength for X to go through the rest of today and the weekyour grace is sufficient to get us through any situation I pray that as X does assignments, help X be focussed and do so well in them. God i pray that you would send the right people into X's life now and speak the things you want X to hear from you. Lord i pray that you will show X the plans you have for X's life this year. Show X your plans in terms of studies, career, relationships. Lord i pray for X's mother. I pray that she will not get too worried about X as X shares problems with her. I pray for good health upon both of them. i pray that Lord you will help X think positive thoughts. In jesus name, negative thoughts never seep into X mind even in the darkness of the night, even during lectures, even during the way back home, even in the midst of music.. Lord help X made a firm decision and stick to it. Lord let the decision come from you and not from X. Help X always consider you in all the decisions made or to be made. Let X not be wavered by the thoughts the devil puts in X mind. Help X discern what thoughts are from the devil and which are from you Lord. Even when X appear strong, Lord only you know and can see how X is struggling inside. Only you Lord can see How X is weak inside like every other human creation and that the more X try to be strong, the weaker X can get. Lord, in your word, the Holy and righteous man will be rewarded. We claim this in jesus name. Lord i lift up X in your precious and holy name. AMEN.
a good day
hee dun u think that sometimes one can tell if the day is going to be good just as we open our eyes to the morning light?
well i can, even before prayer, i know it when God has a good day planned for me.
and today is one of them!
woke up at 7am in a drowsy state, went back to sleep and finally forced myself out of bed after 2-3 awakenings. haha...feels good to just nua in bed.
did some studying ...finally feeling focussed again...
feeling secured in myself today ...i realised yes its true and important tt our
security lies in God. but its also important that we are
secured in ourselves. In our whole entire being, strengths and weaknesses combined...
today i was listening to a nice song called 'enter in' by planet shakers...let me share the lyrics here
Enter InYou lead me through each dayYour Love it covers meAnd when I feel afraidYour Love it covers meRestorer of my soulYour Love it covers meYour presence makes me wholeYour Love it covers meYou are the King of GloryYou’re the Lord Strong and mightyKing of Glory enter inI lift my hands to HeavenShout aloud sing Your praisesKing of Glory enter inTo You I lift my soulMy God I trust in YouShow me Your ways O LordMy God I trust in YouLet me not be ashamedMy God I trust in YouI’ll serve You all my daysMy God I trust in YouKing of GloryKing of GloryKing of Glory enter inWords and music by Mike Guglielmucci
2003 Planet Shakers Publishing
all in all, this song is telling me " trust in me" says the Lord
Time
went to work at subway today 11-530pm. Had diarrhea all day ...thank God the toilet is right in front of subway at carousel. When i was making one guy's sub, i think i scared the hell out of him coz i was in so much pain that i had to bend down and make his sub. and my face got all white i guess. I am quite a strong person usually. Seldom get sick, maybe once a year. Always attributed it to the fact tt i am a nurse. So i got lots of natural antibodies due to the exposure to many potent viruses at work. But food poisoning among all illnesses is the one thing i get most. Though it is still true that i have eaten some things that have gone mouldy and still dun feel sick. hahaa..even right now i feel like i can diarrhea in my seat any moment.
As usual i packed my free sub ( teriyaki and veggie patty for today ) and took some cookies to give to some friends...it seems like any other day...but once i got off work...i feel miserable.
As i took the bus and walked home, i looked to the ground. Usually i look at the sky and see the trees and plants and enjoy the wind. I usually like to walk home or walk to school as the slow stroll i take is v therapeutic. But this time, it was hard not to stare at the ground. suddenly, it seems the ground is v v interesting. duh..along the way i passed a girl. she was listening to her music and superly staring at the ground man..as if examining each and every stone particle that made the pavement. Then as i passed her, i suddenly felt intense sadness from her. I know..sounds damn bogus ....but its true.
before work while waiting for the bus, i wrote down some stuff.....at this emo time for me, a friend has encouraged me to write some words which he may be able to put music to and create a song..... I have found it extremely liberating.. thanks ___ nizer.
time i close my eyes and imagine you beside me
i close my eyes and thought you told me you are hurting
i close my eyes and there you were telling me how much you still love me
like a dream
we had good times..
all now stored away
i know i love you
its hard to let go
if you still loved me
you would not treat me like a stranger
worser than a friend
it makes me feel worser than an enemy
God, is this all plannedfor me to grow up and mature
that we are just made to become stored in each other's memory
gotten used to sleepless night in perth
used to tears in my bed
tears that cannot be wiped away
no more bottles up in heaven to store away my tears
gotten used to being alone
alone with myself
alone with my rubbish thoughts
alone with God alone with my guitaralone in a crowd
close to my heart
far from myself
afraid of the morning light
afraid to open my eyes to reality
afraid of strong faces telling me its alright
once broken, twice shy.
even God cannot turn back time
holding on
good times
hopes of happiness
hopes of love
hopes of a future
when the door opens, it quickly shuts
when would this end
when would tomorrow become today
when would God's timing be my timing
love or be loved
hold on or let go
hope or wish
love and let go
or
love and hold on
holding on to the hope
forget
forget, i didnt try too hard to forget
those memories
thinking, i didnt try hard not to think of
those memories
i have learnt to be strong
but still i am afraid
afraid that in the loneliness of the night
memories of your goodness will seep in
and make it harder to forget
in loneliness, the night seems longer and darker
i have learnt to be strong,
but in loneliness, the night becomes longer and darker
the day becomes another day
with time
i have found the strength to not remember your goodness,
still ...
afraid that i cannot forget...
afraid that in the quietness of the night
when nobody is around, i will think of you
still wanting but afraid to hear news of you
too late to turn back time
it takes strength to give up
strength to not think
strength to not feel
forget, i didnt try too hard to forget
forget...
2nd new entry ....lots of thoughts..in perth
wow ..i read through my past entries, and i realised how much things have changed for me. read again about the betrayal and hurts i went thru last yr and it all seemed so fresh...
relationships are hard..esp boy girl relationships..
after me and tristan seperated just 1 month ago, i have been through another rollercoaster ride with me, myself and God. Everyday seems to be a struggle. Although i was the one who decided to walk away and shocked many friends in Singapore who thought we are a match made in heaven and sure to get married material. i always thought we would get married also lor. We often talked about marriage plans, family plans , in law plans etc. I know his entire clan of family ..etc. almost 5 years of couplehood *tristee (estee+tristan)* ...all these have come to a so called mutual end....recently i have been asking myself again whether i made the right decision. He is the perfect guy but why did i want to walk away?
since entering singlehood, there were many joys of being a single. Yet there are alot of heartaches too. I struggle every single day with staying focussed on whats important. I spend time with God every single day (which i dun before we seperated) . I definately can discern the voice of God more than before. I definately feel God holding me and protecting me. God is ever so strong right now in perth as i enter into singlehood. And yet..i still feel so unloved sometimes. I know God is love and without a doubt, God loves me so much. I love God alot too. But i am a human being, i am not God. The scenario where eve needs adam applies in everybody's life. Thats why every man wld feel dissatisfied without another half. when i was getting impatient, God reminded me of this verse in romans 8:25 > but if we look forward to something we don't have yet, we must wait PATIENTLY AND CONFIDENTLY' . During service today , God told me " do you trust me? do you trust that i have it all planned out for you? "
When i read my previous entry about how immature tristan was when he decided to leave me for another girl , about how a r/s is about committment etcetc , it suddenly got me thinking about why i am the one who choose to walk away now despite being such a firm believer of committment.
when i wrote that, i wrote with the idea that i had totally devoted myself to our relationship during those 4 years and hence committment is important. After 4 years , we see alot more imperfections in our partner than say a few months, hence it is easier to walk away.
but this time, i am not walking away because of all his imperfections. I am not walking away becasue i am sian with him already, i am not walking away because of another guy ...
i am walking away because i know its the right thing to do. Sounds so so so so damn unexplanatory i know. For quite a while, i have been feeling empty in my heart . Although tristan was always there for me, caring for me etc, i still felt like theres a vacuum. After we seperated, although just a short 1 month plus ago, although i still say i have lots of roller coaster emotions , i still feel like the void in my heart is now being filled....filled with the presence of God. I know why i am going through so much turmoil in my thoughts , because God is pushing me to be someone big in his kingdom. Someone who will do great and mighty things in his name. Someone who will become the salt and light of the earth. When God pushes me to be better, as i get higher on my spiritual level, the devil is afraid, hence there is a spiritual battle right now in my life. I have so much thoughts....so much....its hard to stay within one pt at a time.
I chose to walk away from this good 5 year relationship because i know God has planned it for me. After this relationship plus many other ones before this, i now clearly know what God wants for me in my partner. i used to say many points like ' sense of humor' , ' caring ' etc . but now it all boils down to 2 points : he must be a godly man who i respect and can build me up spiritually and secondly, he must be able to think ahead of me and take care of me.....
