2nd new entry ....lots of thoughts..in perth
wow ..i read through my past entries, and i realised how much things have changed for me. read again about the betrayal and hurts i went thru last yr and it all seemed so fresh...relationships are hard..esp boy girl relationships..
after me and tristan seperated just 1 month ago, i have been through another rollercoaster ride with me, myself and God. Everyday seems to be a struggle. Although i was the one who decided to walk away and shocked many friends in Singapore who thought we are a match made in heaven and sure to get married material. i always thought we would get married also lor. We often talked about marriage plans, family plans , in law plans etc. I know his entire clan of family ..etc. almost 5 years of couplehood *tristee (estee+tristan)* ...all these have come to a so called mutual end....recently i have been asking myself again whether i made the right decision. He is the perfect guy but why did i want to walk away?
since entering singlehood, there were many joys of being a single. Yet there are alot of heartaches too. I struggle every single day with staying focussed on whats important. I spend time with God every single day (which i dun before we seperated) . I definately can discern the voice of God more than before. I definately feel God holding me and protecting me. God is ever so strong right now in perth as i enter into singlehood. And yet..i still feel so unloved sometimes. I know God is love and without a doubt, God loves me so much. I love God alot too. But i am a human being, i am not God. The scenario where eve needs adam applies in everybody's life. Thats why every man wld feel dissatisfied without another half. when i was getting impatient, God reminded me of this verse in romans 8:25 > but if we look forward to something we don't have yet, we must wait PATIENTLY AND CONFIDENTLY' . During service today , God told me " do you trust me? do you trust that i have it all planned out for you? "
When i read my previous entry about how immature tristan was when he decided to leave me for another girl , about how a r/s is about committment etcetc , it suddenly got me thinking about why i am the one who choose to walk away now despite being such a firm believer of committment.
when i wrote that, i wrote with the idea that i had totally devoted myself to our relationship during those 4 years and hence committment is important. After 4 years , we see alot more imperfections in our partner than say a few months, hence it is easier to walk away.
but this time, i am not walking away because of all his imperfections. I am not walking away becasue i am sian with him already, i am not walking away because of another guy ...
i am walking away because i know its the right thing to do. Sounds so so so so damn unexplanatory i know. For quite a while, i have been feeling empty in my heart . Although tristan was always there for me, caring for me etc, i still felt like theres a vacuum. After we seperated, although just a short 1 month plus ago, although i still say i have lots of roller coaster emotions , i still feel like the void in my heart is now being filled....filled with the presence of God. I know why i am going through so much turmoil in my thoughts , because God is pushing me to be someone big in his kingdom. Someone who will do great and mighty things in his name. Someone who will become the salt and light of the earth. When God pushes me to be better, as i get higher on my spiritual level, the devil is afraid, hence there is a spiritual battle right now in my life. I have so much thoughts....so much....its hard to stay within one pt at a time.
I chose to walk away from this good 5 year relationship because i know God has planned it for me. After this relationship plus many other ones before this, i now clearly know what God wants for me in my partner. i used to say many points like ' sense of humor' , ' caring ' etc . but now it all boils down to 2 points : he must be a godly man who i respect and can build me up spiritually and secondly, he must be able to think ahead of me and take care of me.....
posted by Ng Yashi @ 7:17 pm
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