Yashitori babe...verbal diarrhea in Australia (melbourne & perth)

random thots

2007-11-04T18:03:00.000+11:00

dear Bloggie

Thank God for yee may's prayer today. For once in this whole struggling semester, i was able to pour out my heart's struggles and become broken before God. This is a struggling semester for me mainly due to my research delay and mainly becoz i felt like i have no support system here. Everyone who was part of my support system in semester 1 have either gone back to malaysia or have been mutiplied into other cell groups or have backslided. I have been having difficulty trusting God for the past few weeks as my prayers have seem to go unanswered. Or maybe my mind is too distracted to be able to listen to His voice. Whatever it is, i have not given up on God becos I have seen how my life has turned around because He entered into my life 6yrs ago. Even though i had to take the extreme measure of complaining to the head of school in Curtin before finally being able to collect my data, i still believe God has a purpose in this. This semester has tested me mentally and psychologically in several ways and i thank God in advance for his promises. Today i broke down before yee may (my zone supervisor) and it touched me that she cried together with me. I felt like she understood what i had gone thru. Everyoen else seems to think its a bed of roses for me with no tests, assignments or exams this semester. To everyone else, they do not understand what it takes to write a thesis and how depressing and traumatising it can get to wait continually for several weeks to mths on 1 person to allow data collection to occur. Yee May's prayer was a prayer in my heart to God that i cannot seem to verbalise myself. This shows that in difficult times, God will send people to bring us back on path. I also served in usher today and saw so many new faces that i hadnt seen 4 weeks ago before i went to msia, praise the Lord. =) Ushering was a challenge today. Had many chairs to move out of the rows and carry to the back of the church. There were also not enough ushers today hence each of us had to cover more than the usual number of rows before church began and during the offering. Today a friend of mine has totally made me confused. She said she will be serving today and i even gave her a wake up call at 715am which she answered. After that all calls or sms to her had not been answered even up til now 430pm. I dun understand. She hasnt been attending church and cell due to work and school committments. But today she has no work nor sch stuff to rush and yet she didnt show up and didnt provide any warning to the usher in charge whom she promised to come. I dun understand....furthermore we were once quite close. But now its always hot and cold from her side. I dunno whats wrong and when i see her, its like she has no problem and talks normally. So i dun understand. Is there a problem? quite alot of people ask me in church today abt her and i tot they shld noe better since i was in msia. she says shes usually ill on sunday or cant sleep well the night before. For a few weeks consistently ? but she is a firm believer in God. So how do i approach her or talk to her now? that aside, i had a good indonesian lunch w yeemay and mingchoon (my ex cell leader). Then not feeling totally full, we had yummy baskin robbins icecream. I love australia chocolate..so yummy....=)..

bowling

2007-10-25T13:47:00.000+10:00

life is like .............bowling.......
we got to stay focussed in order to hit all the pins....
Last night, i was having 3 games of bowling w Aa.
Being an amateur, Aa who is quite an expert taught me some basics like where i should stand and approach the lane, how i should keep the momentum while walking towards the lane to throw the ball, which arrow i shld aim the ball at, how i should bent at my knees and not at my hips in lowering the ball ......
So much to learn. I am not much of a multitasker hence whenever he tell me sth new, i will do worse coz i concentrate so much on the one thing and forget the rest...but i am proud to say tt at the end of 3games, i finish w a final score of 62 at the third game...v good for me le lor! I realised that practice does make perfect but only with appropriate techniques i.e practice in the right way. My posture was much better and i felt more confident. I had played bowling with lisa, alec and tris before...but i never learnt it the right way hence i only strike or spare occasionally based on pure luck. =p...
bowling is fun !! I wanna do it again soon! heee...

weekend in MALACCA

2007-10-22T16:49:00.000+10:00

just got back from a weekend at malacca. first time at malacca so it was an eye opener for me. In every sense, the eye opening was in terms of food ! Its too bad i cant seem to upload the pics at this time. below is the list of good food!
In jonker st
1) durian ba bao ice kachang - jonker st
2) durian chendol - jonker st >> speciality is the gula malaka and thickness of the coconut sauce ! yummy.....
3) suan pan zi
4) fried carrot cake > yummier than spore!

After jonker st, we proceeded to have food again ! stalls that were existing since 15yrs agooo ...
1) wanton mee : very very well done. the noodles are just nicely cooked , the soup was fantastic. basically its the best wanton mee i had ever eaten.
2) oyster omelette : alot for just rm 5. i love it alot too ....very generous amts of eggs and oysters...and chilli sauce

At portugese square
1) salt pepper baked crabs ! 2 meaty crabs for just rm 38!
2) battered fried cuttlefish ! very lightly battered , good oil used !
3) baked fish..super fresh and meaty
4) fried sambal kangkong
all these plus a large bottle of beer , watermelon juice and rice ...all for just RM 98! super cheap!

no kidding man, i think i put on a few kilos this week ....furthermore still got buy all the yummy bei tei soh , sesame sweets and muruku back home.....!!! the muruku is super nice ! best i have ever eaten too ...never ate muruku in spore. Aaron introduced it to me and since then i think i can tell which are good and not good. for those who r clueness ..muruku is a fried snack, tt looks like stick and yellowish in color.
would post pictures of the food when i can !! =)

sat breakfast at farrells vic park

2007-09-29T15:15:00.000+10:00

the breakfast group haha gary, jack, adeline, sarah, me, naryn and jon

pancakes w berry sauce and maple syrup ! looks better than it tastes thou.

cuppuccino ! look at the foam! (envy me aaron *evil laughter*)

me and naryn dear

poached eggs (which i tink look like bursting eyeballs) on top of salmon on muffins

Had breakfast today at Farrells vic park. NAryn heard tt breakfast was good and even had to make a reservation . When we arrived, the place was full of people. However, the food was disappointing. I was disappointed with my pancakes ! I prefer fast eddys pancakes..haha.... well but it was nice to have breakfast together on a saturday. I am so happy i can upload photos now! for a while, my internet cant allow me to upload photos onto this blog hence there hasnt been any photos on this blog for a while ..hehehe ....
really cant stand my hair now. seems so lopsided. One side super short and one side long. meant to look like victoria beckham style and i hate it ..hahaha prob coz i dun have a face like victoria beckham to carry it off ....hahaha ....

2am w the urge to blog hahah

2007-09-28T03:34:00.000+10:00

today i did something different...
haha i went to watch a movie by myself !
It was great ! I wanted to watch STARDUST when i saw its trailer a few weeks back and realising i still had a 10 dollar ticket for a show , i went today after dropping off 2 parcels as birthday gifts for 2 friends...the postage cost like 1/4 of the gift! hahaha ...
Bought a combo of regular popcorn and a drink in a nice plastic cartoon cup, i rushed into the cinema as the movie had started. i hardly could see a thing as it was pitch black and the fact tt the scene then was a dark scene didnt help much. I was so afraid i will sit on someone coz i cldnt even see the sits nor the people and had to feel around like a blind woman. haha ...
the show was good! i think i dun have high expectations for movies generally. But there was a shocker in the movie which i hadnt known from the trailer. The name of the lead man is ..........TRISTAN . What is with this name these days. It was hardly heard around 1 yr ago..then suddenly 2 blockbusters have their lead man name tristan. duh....tristan wld surely catch this show if he knows this. When i told Lisa, she was saying how maybe God wants me to reach a pt in time when i dun get uncomfortable hearing this name. hahaha ....
anyway i love such shows. SHows with a little fairy tale and wonderland and magic in them. Clare danes was really pretty in the show. She was the star literally hahaha...watch it to know what i mean....
these days have been working on my thesis. Writing the parts tt do not really require the data from the data collection. Realised how hard and mentally tiring it is. SO much reading and research to do and always having the fear of going out of pt. My writing has never been good and this time with 15000-25000 words to write, the risk of going out of pt is super high. I had to keep reminding myself of my research title but yet i still get confused if this is the same as tt meaning etc.
Right now there is a possibility of me being delayed. I have not gotten permission to collect data. As usual nick my supervisor is passive. And i am pretending to be patiently waiting for permission. According to the honours program, i am supp to hand in my thesis by 31 oct which is next mth. With data not collected yet and the fact tt the data collection process is not usually smooth going, i am pretty sure my deadline needs to be extended. Dr PAt says tt the other 2 honours student r extending their deadline till next feb. But i cant afford to extend till then becoz i am not local, i got visa restrictions plus i am on a scholarship ! Dr Pat says tt i prob can do my writing back in spore if its really delayed. Which may be a good idea.
Right now, i am just doing what i can, doing my best...no more doing casual or gym, just writing and research !!!!! FOCUS is the priority now. WORK HARD and enjoy the blessings of not having the stresses of work or parenting hahahah . I can complain so much abt being bored but at the end of the day , there r little blessings like i can sleep anytime i want, wake up anytime i want now...once i start work...i was telling aaron tt i have to wake up 4plus in the morning for AM shifts ....aaron works from 8am to 7pm ....i am glad i dun need to slog like tt for now...woohoooo hahaha

royal perth hospital

2007-09-05T20:09:00.000+10:00

last night was a night of severe pains and miracles.
I went to bed at 12am with feelings of nauseousness
At 3am i awoke from severe pain which intensified on and off. In the beginning it was so painful tt i tot i was going to die. I even wanted to call an ambulance. As a nurse, i was telling myself, it is just pain, just tolerate it. the doctors cant do much for abdominal pains anyway, the emergency dept is too expensive and i noe the ones in spore make u wait forever esp w abd pain its low priority no matter how pain it is.Is it a temporary pain or is some bug really eating up my intestines? The pain was so bad tt the christian aspect of me was telling God " god i will never anyhow eat again le. Just take away the pain. Please God i will take care of my diet from now on, please help me ..." i had never had such intense pains before. Its indescribable. I couldnt even stand or come out of bed without difficulty and had to crawl to the toilet. And since i had experiences of food poisoning before, i knew this wasnt food poisoning. I dunno how i did it, but i crawled to my laptop and googled for the symptoms of indigestion and appendicitis. Learnt before but forgot le haha. the symptoms matched indigestion more than appendicities to my relief. But the pain was too intense for it to be indigestion i was thinking. hahaah so funny..in the midst of pain, can still google search. issit such a nurse thing to do or does it just make me wierd haha ..hahah..makes me laugh thinking of it.... I didnt wake my housemates coz i didnt wanna make them worry unless if one of them is a doctor than of coz wake up la... hahah
the pain continued on and off till 430am until i cannot tolerate anymore than i called my friend to bring me to the hospital. On the way to the hospital, there wasnt anymore pain....but my friend still insisted we go ahead since this other friend came all the way to pick me up le. At the royal perth emergency dept, i was registered and i felt quite silly. Coz i didnt have the pains anymore.....Praise the Lord. In the end , i opted not to see the doctor le. If the pains come back , i will just go see the GP. Its a miracle. coz after tt i was still able to eat bacon, eggs etc for breakfast. I felt so bad for troubling two friends for what seems like nothing. But honestly i comtemplated v long before deciding to go . I guess if i hadnt contemplated so long, i might be at emergency requiring some drug to take the pain away.
This marks my first time going to the emergency department in the middle of the night. Come to think of it, i am a v healthy person. Never had any hospital history or history of fainting and i hardly fall ill.. sometimes the silly side of me wanna get some kind of sickness and suffer thru it and then get well so that i can understand how sick people really feel. No matter how in my position as a nurse tt i try to empathize with my patients conditions and feelings, my lack of similar experiences means i can sometimes take their pain or feelings lightly. Pain is something very subjective. No one can feel another person's pain. Prob from the increase in heart rate, blood pressure, perspiration, paleness etc you can tell the suffering the person is getting from the pain, but other than tt there is nothing to indicate for sure. Indians have a low low threshold of pain and screams before u touch them. The thought of u touching them is painful enough. Chinese generally do not express their pain as much as the pain they r going thru. ' ai4 mian4 zi3'. hahaha ..just speaking from experience and from school haha...they teach this in sch...=p
anyway thank God for taking away the pain, for turning my condition 360 degrees around as if it never happened and for sending me 2 angels Janica and Kenny who wake up at 4plus in the morning to send me to royal perth. I still have a little pain on and off. but its like 1 on a scale of 10 ..so its nothing...i can still eat as usual and work as usual. Just tt i am staying home. Not going out or exert myself physically in any way.
Being overseas, away from family is really being independent. I struggle alot and during times like this, it is when i realise how impt friends are and i also realise how in Singapore since family is always all around, it is so easy for me to take little things for granted.
since i started writing this entry, i tink i had released gas more than 15times le. Am i being too full of air? wahahha..ok shldnt be so explicit in a public blog...

finding hope and joy in frustration

2007-09-04T00:44:00.000+10:00

today i am quite frustrated. In fact i am very frustrated and unhappy with my supervisor Nick. He hasnt sought permission for me to collect my data from the 10 general practice clinics. As if its not bad enough that he contributed less than 1% to my proposal... i can go on and on about him..but God reminded me....to find joy in tribulations. I was just sharing w my friend and housemate Jolin how purposeless i feel. Like nothing to work towards. Feel lost and alone.
God just reminded me in his word that all my days on earth is purposeful even when i cannot see how in psalm 23. God never fails. His goodness and mercy are mine even in times when i feel alone. I really want to find Joy in this difficult circumstances. To not let it overcome me and make me a bitter and unforgiving person towards Nick. My sistor suggested for me to write a formal letter of complain to the sch. But i still feel things will work out. I may not recommend Curtin to other people anymore, but i wld feel bad writing a letter of complain coz i do like my director of honours study. Honestly, my supervisor is really alot of Sh*t. His co worker even shared w me in confidence how if she waited for him to do anything, it will never be done. I wish i didnt have to wait for him lor. I wish i had the authority to seek permission myself and get my research work going. I prayed that by the end of this week a miracle will happen and Nick wld seriously sought permission and not just say he will and by this week we will get permission so i can start collecting data next week. Please keep me in prayers....I am sure that i chose to do acute care and hence get put under Nick (who is new to supervising also plus lazy and slack) for a purpose. I want to believe there is a purpose in this and at the end of the day i want to believe i can still get a breakthrough result! Becoz i trust God will help me.
someone who i want to thank...

Jolin...thank you for your listening ear, your responses, your love, your concern, your head massage and for plucking my white hairs and listening to my corny stupid jokes and hearing my super loud laughter like a mad woman. hahaah...thank you for keeping your door open when i feel alone. thank you for believing i can do it when i stop believing. hugzzzz....love ya!!

God provides all the time....

no reservations

2007-09-02T21:56:00.000+10:00

judging from my title...this entry is mainly about the movie NO RESERVATIONS starring Catherine Zeta Jones and Aaron Eckhart. I never liked Catherine Zeta Jones coz i think she is very yaya papaya hahah and of coz tts due to all the bad stuff i read abt her tantrums . hee...but then this show is a good show! I wonder if Singapore is showing it already. Australia can be slower or faster but generally slower in releasing movies than Singapore.
Life isnt always made to order...this line follows in small fonts after the title in the movie's poster. Catherine Zeta Jones acts as a master chef Kate Armstrong who runs the kitchen in a upscale restaurant. She is of a perfectionist nature and all her dishes are prepared to perfection. Now tt i tink of it, it kind of reminds me of myself and girls in general (becoz i tink now girls are mostly perfectionistic, supported by facts and statistics..Ive been reading! hehe) As i am not a natural writer, i shall type what the movie brochure says abt the show..

' kate's perfectionist nature is put to the test when a brash new sous chef joins her staff, the high spirited and free wheeling Nick Palmer. A rising culinary star himself, Nick favours opera while working and loves to make everyone around him laugh. His casual approach to both life and cuisine couldn't be more different than Kate's, yet the chemistry between them is undeniable...as is the discord..."

hahah Nick act reminds me of tristan. Free spirited and having a casual approach to life, loves to make everyone around him laugh....and Kate is quite like myself. A perfectionist. I realise in a r/s there has to be someone more free spirited. Less serious. With A, i tink i am less serious, though by nature i still think alot. But i tell more stupid jokes and when i first knew him, i was a very bouncy and happy kind of character. Always smiling, always believing God will work things out, give him hair washes salon style w massages on the head and all.....A keeps me grounded. I think people may think i am a serious and grounded person. Do You? i dunno. But maybe the fact tt i think alot may give people tt impression. But in actual fact, i am a very airy person. I have alot of idealizations and dreams and tend to have the idea tt nothing is too hard....I strongly respect men who are hard working. Whatever situation or background, being willing to work hard and earn a living for oneself and one's loved ones is the most important trait i think my partner should have after the fact tt he must be someone who loves God. A is exactly such a person. Practical and down to earth...
Life really isnt always made to order, we cant say we want our life to be a certain way and it will be tt way...a little bump here and there may change the course tt we take....it may cause us to overturn, crash and die or it may just cause us to stumble a little but still be able to continue the jouney.....adaptability and being able to accept things and people and myself for not being perfect is impt ......thank God for a good sunday, a meaningful talk and prayer with mingchoon in church, a good shopping spree w Kylie and red rooster burger dinner and a good talk with my super sis eliza and for A who is always telling me the right things. Hold no reservations on giving thanks ...hahah ....

red bull gives you wings

2007-08-29T11:51:00.000+10:00

red bull gives you wings >> hahahaha the reason for this title is coz i tink the ad in perth that says ' red bull gives you wings' is quite true. I had a can of red bull at 1pm yesterday before my woundcare class at silver chain in order to stay alert. And the last time i had one was several yrs ago when i was studying my A levels .hahaha ...Last night or rather this morning i slept at 530am and woke up at 9am. In total > 3.5hrs. I feel abit stoned now but i have to settle a few things. Feel so unsettled esp after my last wound care class yesterday. I need to start data collection plsss.....can Nick or Kerlyn give me a clue on when or where can i start ? I dun want to waste any more time already !! Can u believe its already almost september, i am graduating in early december and i havent even started the basis of research ! the data collection! When i wanted to start in June, they say proposal not good enough. So edit edit edit then got it approved in July. The series of 'procrastinations' are as follows :
MaY: proposal
June: proposal sent for review
Late June: proposal not good enough, to edit
Early July: approved (Yippee....naively tot can finally start data collection)
Mid July: cannot start yet ( kerlyn says must take woundcare modules then i can be qualified to observe and interview general practice nurses on their wound care skills and knowledge)
August: wound care classes (only 4 classes, but once a week ! so means stretch for 1 whole month)
End of Aug: end wound care class. Tried contacting Nick (who is usually uncontactable though he is my direct supervisor..ok i shouldnt even go there man....God help me.....) to no avail and contacted kerlyn ( who i feel so bad to contact coz she is a super clever, busy woman ..director of this and that, and she is not even supp to be involved in my project...) Kerlyn just said she will call me back in an Hr. must have caught her in a meeting. Feel bad again. Where is NIck !

Subway at Village green contacted me about the application i sent thru ages ago. They just renovated and wanna start hiring again. I am at odds. I do not know how much more time do i have spare. Furthermore i still have the one at carousel which only gave me a 6 hr shift this thursday! Thats why i wanna take up the village green one. It opens 7 days a week morning till night. So i can work longer if i got more spare time and have more savings ! Been trying to save save save. Its a pact i made with myself. Save at least 5K this semester. Rest of the spare cash can use to buy nice things for people. Gota go change one of the ties i bot today. I love the exchange policy here...v flexible. Do you ever have any time when u buy something and it looked so good at the store, but when you bring it home, it looked so awful, u'll think why the H** did i buy it in the first place? hahah thats what happened to me....

As i was writing this, i felt wierd. I hardly write random daily routine thoughts down...haha ..red bull works funny..

Secret - jay chou starring Mr dude

2007-08-28T23:24:00.000+10:00

Secret - Jay Chou

冷咖啡离开了杯垫
As the cold coffee leaves the coaster

我忍住的情绪在很后面
I desperately tried to hold my emotions far behind

拼命想挽回的从前
Fighting hard to restore the past

在我脸上依旧清晰可见
On my face you can still see ever so clearly

最美的不是下雨天
that rainy day wasn’t the most beautiful

是曾与你躲过雨的屋檐 oh~~
It’s the shelters that I once shared with you in the rain

回忆的画面
The pictures in my memory

在荡着秋千梦开始不甜
While on the swings dreams become less sweet

你说把爱渐渐放下会走更远
You told me that by gradually letting go I’d be able to go further

又何必去改变已错过的时间
and why bother changing the times that you’ve missed

你用你的指尖阻止我说再见
you used your fingertip to stop me from saying goodbye

想像你在身边在完全失去之前
imaging you being by my side before you completely disappear

你说把爱渐渐放下会走更远
You told me that by gradually letting go I’d be able to go further

或许命运的签只让我们遇见
Perhaps life’s destiny only allowed us to meet

只让我们相恋这一季的秋天
(and) Only allowed us to love this one season of fall

飘落後才发现这幸福的碎片
only after the pieces drifted down that I realized these are the pieces of happiness

要我怎麼捡
How do i pick them up

this is Jay chou's latest song and i love it. Thank you sharine for sending me the song file ! =) definately cant get the album here in perth lor ! hee

i love Jay chou. I tink i have never liked any singer as much as i like him. I have all his albums on my itunes , ipod and realplayer..haha ....i tink his songs are all meaningful and i love his MTVS esp 'feng' ..my super duper favourite! the mtv for feng is linked to another mtv for a song by another chinese male singer which i cant rem his name or the song. one of Jay's good friend. All of Jay's songs got some story behind it. Even the ones on the paparazzi or his mom or his grandma....hee..tts why i like him. He is a sweet guy haha

Aaron is really sweet too. Knowing how much i liked it, He went to learn the song and sang it along with guitar over msn .... The super thing is tt his chinese is not fantastic and yet he learned it so well tt he can sing the lyrics like a true blue china man hahahaha....of coz his guitar skills is as usual very good (miss hearing him play for cell group...) ....clapclap aaron..good job..hahaha very touching.... except the part when he 'arrrghhh ' at the end whahaha .....thanks for all the effort dude...kekeke...

the process of grieving over lost

2007-08-26T00:52:00.000+10:00

Dear Bloggie

Its such a different feeling that i come with before i started writing this entry. Mainly happy for the first time in 3 weeks. People like klessis and Gary and Sabie and lisa would know some of the things i have been struggling with and i am very thankful for people like them who are always around for me no matter how far i am in distance.

Indeed after the past few weeks, it seems i realised for the first time that i am a rather or very complicated person. Hahaha...i was quite shocked to hear gary say " yah we all know " ..hahah then i was like ..." errr....who is we? " seems like only i have been living in self ignorance. haha ..ignorant of how complex i am. My biggest flaw is > i think too much . Especially when i am living in a boring place like perth haha.

For the past few weeks, i have been thinking alot, to the point of excessive negative thinking. Thinking and wanting to go back to the past, regretting coming on this scholarship, regretting breaking up with tristan, being sad that he seems to have moved on and here i am being pathetic and silly and having hope of getting back when i was the one who wanted to end it, struggling with the current relationship and having alot of self created doubts abt it, thinking nobody cares at all, that i have no friends, wanting to live in isolation in my room away from everybody, not answering calls, not going church, not praying, overeating on junk food at night and feeling bad, overworking at subway, etcetc .....

by being so honest in such a public blog (which is not like multiply and i cant restrict it to certain people) about my near depression and stupidity and lack of faith in God is like being near nakedness in public....but i purposely wrote it all down for all who care to see because i want to admit my struggles and show how if i can walk thru it and come out victorious, anyone who go thru similar situations can also do the same. I tink one of my good points is that i can be quite open and honest with my thoughts because i know nobody is perfect. And i embrace the fact that i am imperfect and totally believe that confessing my mistakes and sins to people and God is the first step in the process of solving the problem and not allowing the problem get a hold on me.

Everything is a choice. God gives me choices and when i am unable to hear God, God sends people to help me. But at the end of the day, these people cannot do anything for me. Only i can choose to step out of all that depressing S*** . Right now, i have chosen and i am happy. The next time round when it hits me again, it will hit me less hard becoz i will be well prepared with the word of God, with the reminders of the good in me and with the support of special people.

Tristan was a good guy. He is the best supporter to me for almost 5 years and hence it is very hard for me to move on. I have experienced first hand what serious breaking up is like and the different stages of grieving over losing someone special. The lost of the physical and emotional connection is like losing a loved one to death. It had been a heart breaking period for me and it doesnt help that it is super boring perth. I had been grieving, going thru the stages of denial over the lost, sadness, anger, having false hope etc.

I am definately not new to grieving for i had lost my bestest frend of 7 years rachel wu sikorski to a drowning accident. that was in 1999. Its been 8 years already, and still i always think of her. Think of all the good things in her. I even bought a keyring with her name on it because i felt all the qualities written on the key ring was what she is like. delightful, easy going, ever present smile, helpful when a hand is needed, can be counted on in times of need, hard working, loving, gentle, kind to all, personifies patience and compassion. I had really loved this friend. We spent 1 -2mths studying together for O levels. Slept on the same bed and ate at the same table for tt 2 mths. and 1 mth later she passes away when we had promised to go on a cruise to celebrate together. It breaks my heart just thinking of how wonderful she is and how i wished she was still around.

Losing tristan was like losing another rachel. maybe 90% of rachel. He was my boyfriend and bestest friend of almost 5years after rachel and i felt i had lost him to God's plan. So if up till now i can still get sad and cry over rachel wu, then how will it be like with tristan. Of coz i will and probably have found the life partner God has intended to be more suitable for me, however it doesnt mean i cannot still remember the good old days and cry over the lost like i do for rachel. Losing someone special is part and parcel of life. and through the grieving process, God is strengthening me to be a stronger woman.

I have always counted my empatheticness to be my biggest strength. I am able to be put myself in the shoes of other people and feel their hurts and sadness for all of its worth. Its not just knowing tt people are sad and hurt. I can literally feel it like they r feeling it. Through my grieve and the hurts i have gone thru in life, i know for sure tt God is only using them to increase my ability to empathize. And thats why God has called me into Nursing. To be a healer. I believe through my sensitivity and compassion for sick people, for people down and out , i can be a part of their healing to wholeness. And living an imperfect life, a life of hurts and disappointments means i can relate to people who face the same things. I know there are many many out there facing bigger issues, and i used to feel bad for feeling so depressed over my little issues. But somehow i had this revelation that my issues are big to me now because i had never faced bigger ones. And slowly God is increasing my capacity to face bigger issues and help other people with similar issues.

This has been such a complicated entry that probably only reinforces the fact tt i think alot. hee...

helloooooo

2007-08-14T11:28:00.000+10:00

Dear friends back in Singapore,
SOrry i havent been updating my blog as much as i should coz i know some of you only get updates of me from my blog. I have got good news to share which some of you migh already know............ I HAVE DECIDED TO GO BACK TO SINGAPORE AT THE END OF THIS YEAR to complete my 6 years of bond. haha maybe this doesnt come as a surprise to some people who do not know that i am comptemplating staying on in Australia. Well...i shouldnt proclaim this dishonourable thing out loud also. So there i am going back to Singapore ! hee i cant wait ! a few months ago, i was like anti Singapore. MAny people here thought i was malaysian which is a compliment to me. haha...somehow the malaysians feel Singaporeans are competitive, demanding and speaks in a not so easy going way. So..haha...i guess i am a good singaporean. Sometimes it just takes one single person to ruin the impression of others on their home country. Like my ex housemate from dubai...ok i shall not bad mouth anybody here. But you should really see how extremely dirty she is. Dig her ears till the cotton bud ends r black and then leave the cotton buds around the sink when the dustbin is 1feet away? okok..theres alot more, but i shall not grouse anyone more. hahaha ...so complaining v bad.
Recently a friend and spiritual mentor of mine told me this from Dr AR Bernard " the main reason for a man's downfall is DISCONTENTMENT" . The good thing about sharing my heart with this friend is that i don't feel like i will be judged even though she is a spiritual leader. SHe has true conviction with the verse in the bible that says we shouldnt judge others becoz Jesus does not judge us. Anyway about the verse, it struck a chord in my heart. Discontentment, i tink i have alot of that recently. I havent been thankful enough to God. Thankful for the little and big things that He has given me. I shall attempt to list the things i shall be thankful for
1) being given a scholarship and monthly allowance
2) being overseas to experience overseas life no matter how tough it is ..
3) having mostly good housemates who i can talk to and spend time with
4) having a place to stay in
5) having a casual job at subway where i get a free subway sandwich after each shift and where i get to meet difficult customers and australian colleagues. I also get extra pocket money to spend on the things i want
6) having a supportive family who is always giving me advice that i need and help and bringing me to eat and bringing me my stuff from Singapore when they visit
7) friends in SIngapore who continue to keep in contact with me.
8) lisa > this friend i really am grateful for. I called her yesterday at 545pm to just ask if she can help me do a new pair of spectacles so my family can bring over next monday, and she did it all and got the spectacles by 10pm despite the fact tt she was going for a show and dinner to celebrate 2 freinds birthday. Thats very impressive and v touching. This is what i call going all out for a friend in need. Sometimes i think i havent appreciated her enough. Its like proximity breeds comtempt. How best friends knowing each other so much that the little flaws become big. I know i have lots of flaws too and i really need to remind myself tt i am not perfect either.
9) sabrina > a really good friend, even at work or doing overtime, she will talk to me and ask me how i am and provide godly and good advice. Sometimes her advices r so good, they make me cry becoz they r the things i refuse to do but know i should. Sabrina is a beautiful person. her beautiful character shines out like nobody i know.
10) klessis > hhahaa my spiritual mentor and leader. Always concerned about me and always catching up on people's lives by making an effort to read people's blogs no matter how busy she is with church work and little Joey. Sometimes i also think i dun appreciate her enough. I was even complaining to sabie one time tt i feel like nobody cares abt me in Singapore. When i realised that people do still remember me and even mention me during cell refreshments etc, ifeel so bad for even having a doubt tt nobody remembers me.
11) people like sharine, xiangcen, xiaowei and of coz gary..who i noe still catches me on this blog...

there ..easily more than 10 things to be thankful for and probably even more if i continue to think .....thank you God for all these things...forgive me for being discontented and faithless..

Recently i have been quite stressed. I have been doing alot of reading. Reading up on my woundcare modules and also 3 other books. I am quite a easily confused and complicated person. I wish i can be simple. I wish i can be more sensitive to God's voice and be more obedient in the ways he wants me to take. Maybe then i wont be in the mess i am in now. Hhahaha

anyway ...will update more frequently now...hee
gotta go ..bye

confused

2007-07-31T04:40:00.000+10:00

i wish God can help me sort out my thoughts. I do not know what i am troubled with. I just know i am troubled. I know here and there what i am troubled with, but its neither one that is playing a major role. i think.
good news! my proposal has been approved 1 week ago! Thank you so Much PAt ! I will begin my wound care modules in August then data collection will probably start in september. Been working my ass off at subway with the extra free time i get for now before data collection. Yesterday and today was really great fun. Spent time with JAnica my darling, Debbie my 2nd darling and the 2 great brothers thomas and david last night. Simple supper at northbridge but very fun. Lots of casual talk, laughs and fooling around. Today me and janica went shopping. I spent quite abit ( prob my 1 week of subway salary ) on a jacket, a jeans and 2 lancome products. I actually feel bad. I do need these things, but do i really? I know i intended to save all the money i work my ass off for at subway. But then again, i had fun with Janica. Thomas was great company too. Im so glad i noe thomas. For a guy, he goes his way out for his friends even when they take him for granted. He fetches every single person, whether he knows them or not. As the only person drivin in his cell, he has to drive everybody to cell and back home every week. I feel alot for this friend. Such a nice guy. Sometimes its hard to tell what he really likes, or who he likes or what he loves to do etc. Its hard to meet his needs as much as he meets the needs of others. i like malaysian guys. They are all generally much nicer than SIngaporean guys. They are friendlier, more charming, more jokers, more easy going etc. I feel like i can relate much better with the guys from malaysia whether they r younger or older than me here in perth. I seem to have more close guy friends than close girl friends. I can speak my mind, i can relax with these guys. I wld surely miss them all when i go back to spore. Its so late now but yet i am now still awake. Something is wrong w me, i am thinking of this and that. Im tired of thinking...ignore my ramblings.....going to bed....

only reminds me of you

2007-07-14T18:11:00.001+10:00

nice song...no particular meaning for me now....love the melody and the depth which it was being sung..enjoy it!

another layer

2007-07-14T17:22:00.001+10:00

nothing is ever what it seems....

a place for us - dedicated to you ( and you know who u are)

2007-07-14T17:09:00.001+10:00

theres always a place for us..remember that always whereever you are..don't worry, theres always a place for us...

try - from bridge to terabithia

2007-07-14T17:04:00.001+10:00

This song is so nice and meaningful. Don't be scared to dream....whats the matter in believing that you can do anything...we can make our future...

a new post GARY ! hahaha

2007-07-13T15:47:00.000+10:00

Hi gary ! hahahaa finally a new post. Recently my face has been giving me lots of problems. My eczema flareups are coming back and I am not sure of the cause: peanuts or traces of nuts in chocolates, winter cold, too much potato chips, too much calamari rings, prawns , sotong, heaty food, lack of sleep, stress etcetc. I have been making changes to the things I eat so my skin can get better, but somehow, it still comes back. This is infuriating considering the fact that I have given up some of my fav foods like chocolates for the sake of my skin. Just this morning, I couldn’t wake up due to the drowsiness caused by the medications I took before sleeping. 2 causes drowsiness. Hence I missed my 9am ‘advanced excel’ class. But despite everything, God is still good. I went online to the seminar bookings page and there was suddenly an available place for the same class next week! I quickly made a booking and voila! The class was once again full. Its as though the space was meant for me! God is goooooddd….heehe
I hadn’t mention my statistics exam results to anyone in Singapore yet! Overall, my statistics module fetched me a HD 91% ! hehehehee it is a miracle! My statistics sucks sucks sucks sucks….but God is goooodd again! Hehehee…I am 50% on the way to first class honours. Hahaha…but my research is giving me a headache. My proposal despite many improvements hasn’t been approved yet. Please pray for me! I need it approved then other things like data collection can proceed….Pray pray pray…

THANKS sherri

2007-06-14T23:46:00.001+10:00

Thank you xiaowei aka sherri for your encouraging emails almost daily! I did not know you read my blog lor. I tot not many people know I change blog. Anyway …tonight one of your emails really was timely.
God is very good. He seems to speak to me through many different ways. Its like I can open up a pg of the bible or an email or read someone’s blog entry and it speaks to my current situation. I feel like God knows the condition of my heart and mind even when I never tell it to other people. Theres a lot of things I dun say out to even the closest people to me. Last time I will just blah everything out. Now I dunno why, I just feel blahing it all out to people will not help me at all. Sometimes, it may even make things worse. Now I just blah it all out to God. But god is amazing. Even when I haven’t even started blahing it to him, he already show me things that will help me.
Tonight I am reminded to trust wholly on God.
In the email, it says that God does not promise to keep us from being hurt in our r/s but he does promise to keep us from being destroyed. The more you trust God, the more effective you will be in your r/s with others.
I remember some time ago, I was having problems with this close gf of mine here. I think it was a one sided thing coz apparently I am the one thinking there is a problem. Haha..anyway, innerly, I was feeling very frustrated. More hurt and disappointed and frustrated than I appear to really be. I thank God for helping me through the situation. I thank God for reminding me of his unjudging love for me and how I shall do the same on others. I thank God for tolerance and patience and being able to wait on his timing. Now me and this gf are back to normal even w/o doing much. And I feel very happy and grateful becoz this friend means a lot to me.
“ love does not begin until you expect nothing in return” how not to expect nothing in return? When my trust is wholly on the lord, I can love like that. Tonight I prayed the prayer included in the mail and now I can only try to work towards loving without expecting anything in return. Its very easy to say ‘ I expect nothing’ for me I dun expect anything material when I love someone. But I realise I do expect certain things like a comforting hug when I am down etc. But yet again, that is not too much to ask for. But yet again, when it is not the person’s timing to hug me maybe coz he/she is tired or stress or doing work etc , or when the person do not know how I am feeling etc, then the person will prob not do what I would expect no matter how minimally I expect. I want to be a person who put my trust wholly on God. After praying, keeping silent, listening to hillsongs ‘ faithful’ ‘ I trust in you’ ….i feel all my burdens for today lifted up. The monthly period and cramps or stress from work and from my research will have no greater power over my mood than God has. AMEN !

prayer reflection

2007-06-03T16:08:00.001+10:00

Today I felt moved to research the bible about prayer. In cell 1 week ago, I had the honor to share about my own testimony of what prayer means. Today I felt like I needed to remind myself how prayer is important so that I can stay consistent in prayer. It is easy in the midst of work, studies and fun that I put prayer off..i need to remind myself.
In luke 22:41-44 God showed me how Jesus prayed on the mount of olives. “ father if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will, not mine” this verse really impacted me. Even Jesus who was once a man wanted God to take away his suffering because he was feeling so awful. However, Jesus being a man after God’s heart, said that even he wants something, yet he also want God’s will even more. And I think this is what prayer is about. Praying our desires and yet telling God His will is more important to us. Sometimes I struggle w prayer in the sense that I do not know when I am asking for what I want and when I am asking for God’s will. I can pray and say God let your will be done, but upon examination, I think my heart speaks differently. But then God today also showed me this verse in James 4:2 > …the reason you don’t have what you want is that you don’t ask God for it and even when you do ask, you don’t get it because your whole motive is wrong. You want only what will give you pleasure.. I guess it is not wrong to tell God what we want and ask God for it. But we must ask God for them with the right motives. For me the right motive has always been that me or whomever I am praying for will be a light and testimony of God’s goodness. I took some time in reading James 3:14 which talked about bitter jealousy and selfish ambition. Its very easy to just go through it, highlight. But I don’t know why today I just kept reading it over and over. And I just suddenly felt like I probably have selfish ambitions in my heart. Its like wanting something for myself. I cant say specifically because even I don’t know what issit in me that reflects selfish ambition. But I just know that there is. And I pray that God will help me not have any selfish ambitions. Elijah was as human as we are, but when he prayed earnestly for no rain to fall, none fell for the next 3.5 years. Then when he prayed again for rain, rain came. I wish and hope that I can be a person like Elijah, who can understand what praying earnestly means and to pray earnestly…

rumbling

2007-06-03T14:44:00.001+10:00

It’s a Sunday and for the 2nd time this year, I am not in church. Coz it’s an afternoon service today! Special speaker so I guess he cant make it in the morning. One thing good about a small church, timing can become quite flexible. Soon I want to spend some good quality time with god. Its only 1day that I haven’t really set aside time to read the bible and pray and I feel lethargic I was working from 10 to 4 at subway yesterday and after which I had this bad headache and super hungry. X cooked very delicious hokkien noodles and gave me a good head massage. Thank god that he is a potential househusband. Able to go out and do well in the workplace and also able to do housework and cook. I am so blessed. =) Hahaha actually I also think I make a very good wife! I love to cook for my loved ones and I am getting better by the day through experimentation. And I feel after these 2 years in Australia, I can take care of a home, myself and hopefully a family. I would also love to pursue my dream in lecturing in nursing. Teaching has always seem to be my forte and nursing my passion. Hee when I get tired of it all, I can open a small café and sell handmade pastries like Emma in stranger than fiction. Conincidentally X has thought of this café thing too. He is a v good cook and patient w preparing ingredients. And his passion in life is to impact and teach others his knowledge and encourage openness and creativity and thinking in the big picture in the procurement industry. So that means he is also into lecturing! With 5 years of working experience and a masters degree on hand, he is much nearer to his goal than I am. I have to work about 5 years more before I can lecture. Hee but I am so looking forward to it…we are just praying hard that everything works out for us according to God’s plan and purpose. Afterall, we have both decided that God will be the centre and the priority. Put God first and all other things will go well..

i love my mom

2007-05-30T19:45:00.001+10:00

Today X taught me further into guitar chords! In the beginning I just memorised the chords I had to play in the songs I want to learn, so it was always a ‘die memorize’ thing. Today I learnt what note each string represents and how I can figure chords from A Bb B C C# D Eb E F F# G G# all just by knowing how to play A Am E Em. So excited to start figuring out the chords myself now. May take some time to do it fast, but thank the Lord for being taught how to do it! Thank you so much X !!!!

Today X got a job interview from Sydney. I wonder if this is how God is answering my prayers or maybe it isn’t. lots of factors to consider for him and his mom is so impressive! The way she advised him is like respecting his decision and yet giving him lots of practical advice to the details.

Yesterday I talked with my mummy over the phone! When I put down the phone, my housemate who was beside me all the way asked me who it was. She was very shocked to discover tt it was my mom ! She said I spoke to my mom like she is my good friend. Hee..Then it dawned on me that I have a totally changed mindset about what my mom means to me le. Since mothers day service in ZPH, my relationship and communication with my mom has improved tremendously. And I like talking to her now. I mentioned to her about some long term plans I have in my mind ( which I didn’t dare to even mention before because I am afraid she will be unhappy) and she actually said she will support me, monetarily if need be. Wah..i am so happy! My plans are all still tentative but I am just so happy my mom respects my thoughts and pending decisions like I am a girl big enough to make good decisions without having her to nag or scold.

I got to say that spending time a lot with God has brought about a lot of breakthroughs in different areas of my life, relationships, work, studies, mindset, perceptions, expectations, love and faith. I wish many others can see how God is so good if only we put him first. Its so hard to totally explain to others exactly how God is so good because it can never be put into a few words. It has to be experienced.

happyyyyyyy

2007-05-29T18:04:00.000+10:00

Today is such a happy day! Actually for the past week, everyday has been very happy! Today is exceptionally superbly feel good day coz my statistics presentation went better than I expected! I am totally bad at anything to do with economics or statistics. I have taken 3 introductory modules on statistics before, once in college, once in university in Singapore and a third time here in curtin university. But not once had I felt like I fully grasp the concepts and understand the statistical methods or theory. To me, statistics is a whole mesh of illogical S***. Hahahaha. Just last night when I had a run through practice with X for the statistics presentation today, I was still feeling unsure of my slides and what I was saying. I felt like if anybody were to ask me any qns, I would surely not know how to answer them. Tell me to present for anatomy, biosciences, ethics, nursing practice etc and I can be sure that I can present without even preparing side notes. But for statistics, I had to have notes to read from. For all the previous statistics presentations by other people, 99% of the time, I didn’t have any clue what they were talking about. I was thinking in my mind “ s***, what the h** is this bulls***’ haaa…. I know I should stop swearing (s*** is a curse word in Australia, but I use it all the time in Singapore and here Lor…now gotta censor it hehee) . Anyway I shld stop beating around the bush. Today 4 people presented including me. I was the last one to go up basically coz everybody else were so enthusiastic to do theirs and I was the passive girl sitting there and being passive. Hahaha… among the 3 who went before me, 1 was quite badly done I must say , 1 was so damn cheem again like the first 4 last week coz these people do statistics in depth and the third one was good and well explained and clearly delivered. During my presentation, I was surprisingly calmed and organized in my delivery. I felt like I knew what I was talking about and didn’t need any approving looks from the audience to keep my calm. Basically I just felt approved without trying to see if the audience and teacher r approving of me.. Must be God working! Thank you X for your prayer this morning and thank you God for answering my prayers from this morning ! God is wonderful. At the end of the presentation, the teacher said “ wow estee, I am very impressed with you presentation. You really went down to the mathematics involved in statistics, good job. I really enjoyed it” and he also didn’t shoot me any questions and neither did he attempt to explain to the group about the things I presented which he did for the other 3 people. Basically I got the best comments for today! I am so happy ! Even though what I presented is not superbly cheem statistics, but God turned it around and made it simply impressive! Hee…and today I felt like my prayer about “god let them not despise my youth and lack of experience” has come true! After my presentation, my professor kept giving me approving nods and looks which he never did before! Hallelujah! Later going to watch pirates of the carribean with my beloved housemates kylie and jenny…the little things can be so happy when we learn to see them as it is and not think too much into tomorrow.

love

2007-05-23T22:33:00.001+10:00

If I could speak in any language in heaven or on earth but didn’t love others, I would only be making meaningless noise……and if I had the gift of faith so that I could speak to a mountain and make it move, without love I would be no good to anybody. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my own body, I could boast about it, but if I didn’t love others, I would be of no value whatsoever.

Love is patient and kind
Love is not jealous or proud or rude
Love does not demand its own way
Love is not irritable and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged
It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.
Love never gives up
Love never loses faith
Love is always hopeful
Love endures through every circumstances.

There are three things that will endure – faith, hope and love
And the greatest of these is love

Today I feel God is speaking to me about Love.
I went through a moment when I felt so confused about myself and someone else and frustrated that the understanding that took time to build suddenly seemed to vanish in those split seconds. To love can be so hard. We can try and try, but by our own strength we are weak. In the midst of it all, I suddenly lost my self identity. But thank God for being around for me. I am weak but he is strong. His voice comforts me like no one else’s voice can. God spoke to me today in the midst of some heartaches. He said “ love like I love you my dear girl…do not be angry, but love like I love you.’ In the little bit of a few minutes, I cried out to God and He answered me like a father teaching and comforting his daughter. I am not perfect and God knew that right before He made me. But I am uniquely formed to be beautiful in my own way. When somewhere along the vase cracks, God repairs…

Someone said this to me before ‘love is not enough’
I think as the bible says, there are 3 things that will endure forever, and the greatest of it all is LOVE. Love will endure if we learn to love like God loves us. I want to love like how God loves me.

Love is patient and kind
Love is not jealous or proud or rude
Love does not demand its own way
Love is not irritable and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged
It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.
Love never gives up
Love never loses faith
Love is always hopeful
Love endures through every circumstances.

2007-05-21T21:09:00.001+10:00

Was reading the book of samuel today and chanced upon a well known chapter of David and Goliath. Although such a common story, this chapter gave me more faith upon reading it.
Goliath was a giant in the army of the philistines since he was a boy. When Goliath challenged the Israelite army to a one on one fight, every single person in the army of the Israelites were full of fear and nobody had the courage to step out even when King Saul offered a great reward.
David, a boy at that time taking care of his father’s sheeps was the first and only person who stepped out and said he would fight goliath. What impacted me most is when david said “ the Lord who saved me from the claws of the lion and the bear will save me from this philistine’ (NLT). In every single task that the lord had put in our paths (such as david being put in charge of caring for his father’s sheeps), the Lord has a purpose and the purpose of the little things will lead to the greater plans the Lord has for us. Through the little every day tasks, the Lord is moulding and training us to be his warriors. Physically, mentally, emotionally, we are being trained.
In caring for sheeps, David has learned how to go after lions and bears with his club when they come and steal a lamb, he had learnt to catch the animal by the jaw and club it to death. Even though David’s experience was specific to lions and bears, he did not have a doubt that he could fight a giant man trained in the army for most of his life. David never questioned his ability. He had never allowed his lack of experience be an excuse to shortchange the power and strength he believes that the Lord has planted in him since birth. The Israelite army did not have faith. They had head knowledge that their abilities were based on experience and since they never had the experience of fighting a giant, they all thought they surely could not do it. David had faith. He did not see himself as his own, but He saw himself as God’s own. THE LORD WHO SAVED ME , he said. He added ‘TODAY THE LORD WILL CONQUER YOU’ to goliath who had looked down on him. ‘ IT IS HIS BATTLE, NOT OURS. THE LORD WILL GIVE YOU TO US’. I can say I wish I can be a person like David, whose faith took away his fear. It is time I stop wishing. It is time to believe that ‘ YES THE LORD WILL DELIVER ME FROM MY CIRCUMSTANCES.’ To some others ‘YES THE LORD WILL GIVE ME THE JOB OF MY DREAMS’ , ‘YES THE LORD WILL PROTECT ME AND HEAL ME FROM ALL SICKNESSES’, ‘YES THE LORD WILL GUIDE ME IN MY ASSIGNMENT WRITING AND IN MY EXAMS’.
We have tools to do the basics, such as to use our hands to write, use our time to revise, do research, study, but beyond that, a lot of things are beyond our control. I am weak for I am human. I have limitations to the things I can and want to do. But I do my best and pray and believe that God will surely do the rest!
DO MY BEST AND GOD WILL DO THE REST !
God always sends help in the little voice of the Holy Spirit (that we must learn to hear) or in the form of other people, angels in disguise.
I may be young, little experience, not too smart, but like David, I believe God can make me a success. You can be a successful lecturer, businessman, trader, husband, wife, daughter, son, mother, father, friend etcetc. I can be a head nurse even though I may not be the best now, I can be a nursing lecturer in the most prestigious nursing university, I can be the best mother to my kids in the future and the best wife to my husband, the best daughter to my parents, the best friend to my friends..all because of GOD….

why do i allow little things frustrate me

2007-05-17T23:28:00.000+10:00

today was a full day at work in subway. Work was very relaxing surprisingly. Comparing to usual thursdays, today was unusual hee. worked from 1130 to 5pm but was up since 7am . Quite tired initially but a good cup of hot mocha double shot from muffin break was a real energy booster! Lee my supervisor asked me if i was bogged down by assignments and school , which caught me by surprise as i did not feel lethargic or anything. I know the last time i saw him i was very tired hence i had v slow responses hee. But today i was ok ..hahaha but one thing i did realise abt myself is tt i am less kan jiong then when i first join subway. Lee is a singaporean also. But his family is in Perth. He presents himself at work as a super gan jiong king. ALways talking fast, rushing, on the move with his hands and feet , always seem to be in danger of knocking someone over but yet so fast on his feet tt he can avoid, swerve and do all kinds of stunts. And this happens even when there are not much customers. I told him before ' lee dun be so gan jiong la' hahaa. Very gutsy of me to tell my supervisor tt ah ..haha...coz i tink he is gan jiong unnecessarily sometimes. And his gan jiong-ness is very infectious. When i stand beside him, i get v anxious for nothing. Well why i shared this story was because i think i have gotten the australian culture of being relaxed . Hahaha...to make it sound bad, its laziness...on a positive note, its just learning how to enjoy life...hahaaa. Now u can often see me squating and eating my double chocolate chip / macademia nut subway cookie whenever i get the chance. But i still dun think i am inefficient or ineffective or being paid for nothing. Coz i still do what i need to do, i still try to stand in the gap for people whenever i can and i do what can be done without being told. Haha...just tt my whole body language is not in a gan jiong stance.

After work , i went to do groceries shopping. Intending to cook chicken w red wine and herbs tmr for lunch w X. ( oh yah i forgot to share tt i tried to cook 3 dishes last thursday which was quite a success > sweet fish curry with toasted almonds, fried cauliflower, soy and sesame pork w choy sum ) Every thursday is grocery shopping to cook something special and something i never cook before on friday! hee i really enjoy doing this. I really need to stop being a miser and comparing prices too much . I always see the weight of the item, see if different brands with same weight different price. The brand name is known or not , if the extra price would be worth it or not etc. Hence i can spend a super long time in the super market. like such an auntie already. Not even housewife yet. Aiyaaa....tsktsk. hence today i missed my bus to go home because i did not leave enough time to walk from the supermarket to the bus stop. I am always very good with time, i can plan well ahead what time i need to leave a place etcetc. but today the cashier made me wait for 5mins before she cld serve me. 5 mins is a long time as i had not put it in my plan to walk to the bus stop.heeeee...oh well... Haizz...by the time i reach the bus stop, it was gone or either tt, it never came ( perth transport suckssssss) anyway there was not one soul at the busstop. I had to get help from Mingchoon who got help from his brother mingxian. Aiyo, i hate to trouble people. in perth, always need to trouble those who drive. Feel bad.

Anyway its a blessing to know these selfless people. Anyway why do i put the blog entry title as such is because, i had allowed the fact tt i missed the bus to frustrate me. When X called, i was quite grouchy and i felt bad . But knowing myself, i know the way out of blowing it on anyone is to avoid talking altogether. I guess all this comes with age and experience. A few yrs ago, when i was less self aware and ironically self centred, i would have just put my frustration on someone close. . Furthermore, at the back of my mind, i knew i wld find a way out of it and i knew i wld be able to get someone to fetch me. Still i got frustrated. and although i didnt bang my frustration on X, i tink anyone cld have sense the displeasure of the situation in my voice. Hence i may have also caused a bit of 'yuan wang' feeling in X and X probably feel bad for not being able to help me. Which i totally dun think is anybody else's fault except mine and transperth.Now i am able to rationalize very quickly what the roots of my frustration are and how i can avoid unnecessarily hurting someone close. But i am still upset w myself tt i had even got frustrated in the first place at something so small Haaa...Lord help me to be a more patient person, not easily frustrated by circumstances not entirely within my control. As it says in the bible, be slow to anger...quick to forgive. Small things will not frustrate me in Jesus name . Amen !!!!!

having a relationship w God. Focusing on the puzzle pieces...

2007-05-14T21:03:00.000+10:00

Today this entry is dedicated to God.

ONE MORE TIME
Lord, i saw your face last night
when i looked in the sky
you were smiling
you told me it would be okay
you would make a way
in my dark times

chorus
everytime i hear your voice
everytime i feel your touch
it makes me know that i can face
tomorrow
one more time

when all my friends go away
i'll be glad to say
you're still near me
even when the wind blows by
i feel warm inside
your're so lovely

Bridge
i need you, don't leave me
without you i can't survive

verse 2
i know that i can face tomorrow
cause you will walk me through
my pain and sorrow
i know that i can face tomorrow
one more time
____________________________

isn't it great? =) sang this song with the choir during a performance on mothers day. actually i did forget some lyrics during the performance, i had to pretend i know by closing and opening my mouth..hahaah..i hope nobody realised tt. Anyway its coz i was so dead tired. Slept only 1 hr on sat before service. Hence i slept from 5am to 6am then woke up to get ready for church. My brain was half dead. hee..but thank God i was not half bad .. i think ..keke...church service was a breakthrough for me. As a christian for about 6 years, i have attended 6 mothers day services, but none has impacted me in the way Pastor Joyce's message has and the way Zion Praise Harvest church's service had. I cant stop crying esp when Pastor Joyce started to cry in the midst of preaching. She looked at her mother in the audience and thanked her with the most heartfelt words. A few testimonies were shared by a few people about their moms. I cant stop crying. Everything nice reminded me of my mom. If people know me well, they know i am not close to my mom. I have alot of grudges from the past that i have never let go despite how they r all in the past. But from now, i can only be happy to think of my mother. I miss her so much and i've never missed her so much before. Now i think of how good she has been to me and all my sistors and brothers. How she single handedly brought us up by herself and had to often get help from friends. How many friends went away when she needed help and only a few stayed. My mom has a bad temper. She is v strong willed. Circumstances have made her this way. Christians in the past have let her down terribly and hence she threatened to kick me out when she first found out that i recieved christ. Despite this, she gave in to my belief when she saw how it is helping me. She is still a staunch buddhist, but she takes me to church when she can. My mom is great! She has sacrificed so much for me. During the times when i was rude to her , when i argued back alot of times in the past, when i was grouchy and moody everyday, when i cryed endlessly, when i was a problem kid with asthma, bronchitis and hard on finances, sleepwalk, have recurrent bad nightmares, when i refused to listen to her....my mom still always loved me. She is not the kind of mom who is gentle or affectionate. She is strong, fierce and can be sacarstic at times. But she is still the greatest mom! A mom's love is indescribable. I called mom before service on sunday, but after service i called again..this time i spoke to her like i had never spoken to her before. i cried and told her how i missed her. Something i have never done. I told her ' mom i know i can be naughty (which she readily agreed hee) , but i still care alot about you etcetc' I love mom!
Seeing how i was before, i wonder if i had a kid like myself when i am a mom next time, can i take it? haha..makes motherhood sound so scary. But God will provide! God will intercede , God will mould us through our own children..i am looking forward to having my own children..

i often go home after a CHC service with alot of impactful head knowledge. CHC messages were always fantastic !! always well preached, the whole service with the strong anointing of the Holy spirit. ZPH is a small church of about 500 plus (mainly students) taking place in a lecture theatre in Curtin. But it is in ZPH, in perth that i literally feed on the word of God to survive. I carry the message home not just in my head now, but in my heart and truly wanting to live them. Is it because ZPH is better than CHC or Perth better than Singapore? NO. this is a revelation for me....our lives can only be truly renewed and transformed by God only when we have a relationship with God.
Has our quiet time with God become a drag? is it a pleasure and a sure must that we spend some time just with God in our rooms, with the bible, guitar, note book and a prayer list? Is our prayer list full of ' god bless me in this and that' , god can you do this , god can you not do that? Do we tell God what to do? Do we say that we want God's will and plan but yet in our hearts we already decided what we want God to do? I used to do all these. Being self centred , not really having a relationship with God, only just a shell beautifully decorated but empty inside. God sees past the shell no matter how beautiful it may appear to be. God looks at our inner man, our heart. God knows our every intention. Will God show us his plans if we are that empty shell? I do not dare to say for others. But in my life, God only really started showing me his plan when i started to genuinely come before him everyday with trust that everthing is in his hands. When i start to lose control over things in my life and lift my burdens up to Him without carrying them back. When every single decision i make is prompted by His voice. Only when i started to build a trusting relationship with God then did i see his blessings and plans for me. Maybe i can conclude that if we r just beautifully decorated empty shell christians, God will still bless us because he is a good god. But we will not see God's blessings, because we are too focussed on getting the big picture now, too focussed on what God has not done or given to us. Hence we do not see what He is already doing and giving to us , we do not see how he is providing the little puzzle pieces that all goes into making that big picture that we desire. Without the little pieces, we cannot even attempt to piece them together and form the big picture. Hence at the end of the day, God may send an equal amount of blessings on two different people but only the one who has persisted in prayer, persisted in trusting God no matter how difficult the situation is, persisted in asking God for His will to be done and not our own will, will achieve the desired outcome. This reminds me of cooking or baking. 2 people can have the same ingredients presented in front of them, but if one chooses to do it his or her own way while another chooses to follow the ways or recipe of a reputable chef, then we all should know how the outcome will be so different. Same ingredients, different outcomes. " sometimes we look so long and hard on the closed door that we fail to see the door that God has opened up for us " .

recently had been having alot of late nights...but each late night was full of joy ! praise the Lord. I really don't know whether to say it here or not coz afterall though this is my own blog meant for all my thoughts, i am also aware that its also a public domain at the same time. Hmm let me just say that I have found my 2nd lovex ! God is my first love !!!
indeed God has everything under control . He is in control all the time. If we are patient to wait, patient during trying times , not blaming God when we don't understand how He has allowed bad things to happen to us ( note that devil sends bad things but the devil has to ask God for permission to send the bad things to test God's people. Hence God decides if he will allow the devil to carry his evil plan) God will soon unravel his goodness and show his plans for us so clearly , miraculously , so shockingly that we know immediately it is from no one, not ourselves, but only from God..

My life now has taken a turn, to the way in which i know that God is dictating my every move. To the way in which i know when something is in the will of God and in His plan. Even when some things of the future seem uncertain, i still have peace in my heart. Peace and understanding that God will move in his timing. Peace that God will help me work things out. Peace that it is all in His plans..

Blessed saturday

2007-05-13T02:42:00.000+10:00

Dear diary..
today was another great blessed day .Honestly God has been so good to be these few days. after the valleys of last week, everything seems to be going uphill le.
talking about the little blessings of everyday ..today theres a few more
after work at subway, i was really really tired. Its mothers day tmr so alot of people were at carousel shopping . So we had alot alot of customers. I was doing the breads which means i am the first person in line to ask the person a series of questions
1) how may i help you ? (they will go on, think as long as they like, ask qns)
2) what kind of bread would you like? ( alot of time they will blah everything they want including the salads without mentioning the most impt thing which is the bread they want)
3) what do you want in it ? ( as in meat)
4) toasted or fresh ( i always have to 'scream' this question coz they always cant hear it ..or maybe the way i say it ...i realised today when i kinda shouted , alot understood unlike other days. if toasted the meat can go on the bread directly , if fresh the meat must go into microwave.
5) what kind of cheese would u like ( 4 kinds to choose from , tell them if they dunno, some just say yes. so i just put cheddar means they have not preference bahzzz)
6) proceed to tell them my colleague will do the salads for them .
hence being the bread person is the busiest toughest part to play while working.
i had a dry throat and cant even squat down from my position to drink water for 3 straight hrs. yess there were 3 straight hrs of customers. and yes 3 straight hrs i asked every single person the above questions. DUn forget, each customer has his or her funny personalities...grouchy , say everything so fast thinking i can remember while stil cutting up the bread, those who love to talk and explain why they choose this and that, those who so busy chatting w their friends tt i wanna tel them to go chat and come back later and let me serve the 'serious' customers.haha..

After this tiring work , i went to do some window shopping groggily and then went to do groceries. by the time i got to groceries, i think i felt so groggy man...it was almost 5 , hence almost closing time and all the registers were flooded with long lines and trolleys literally flooded w groceries...then a BLESSING ! I was in line in register 6 . then a lady at line 7 who had so so so much groceries ( like 5 super long loaves of bread, a few 1 kgs packs of frozen food , lots of junk food etc etc) looked at me and said that i can go ahead of her! There were other people in line 6 with me who had not much food but she looked at me and told me to go before her in line 7 since she got so much and i had little to pay for. She looked at me and not the others who were all within sight. Wah god is so good. Subsequently after paying, i walked briskly as it was almost time for the last bus ! and thank God i made it in 1 min before the bus came. If the lady had not let me go ahead of her in a different line, i wld never have made it for that bus ! God is so good...

i had such a good time tonight..went out with a few friends for jap dinner and bubble tea with card game. and the thing is, the outing wasnt planned beforehand. the game was so fun ...feel so good..relaxed...though i was actually so tired..God turned things around for good...

blessings in the little things of life

2007-05-11T05:33:00.000+10:00

Hee i had a wonderful thursday ..
woke up at 8am for work at 10am ...seems like another day..sleepy from lack of sleep and groggy from taking my anti histamine too late in the night...hee...work was draggy..wasnt my usual hyper super hard working self... Lee commented tt i seem lethargic ..hee..thank God big boss was not around..work was testing. Customers are wierd. When we are the customers, we never see how wierd we can appear in front of the people at food counters. All kinds of customers man...but this job is good...helps me come into contact w how aussies talk and think and behave....
anyway...after work went to do grocery shopping..sounds boring but the exciting part is coming up ! i bought so much groceries coz its been 1 week since i bot groceries and also becoz i am cooking lunch for X later .. going to try 3 new dishes i discovered from food magazines. And X is my guinea Pigz..*evil laughter*....in fact i am so excited, its almost 4am now and i already feel like not sleeping at all and preparing the ingredients for lunch le. hahaa...
anyway i got out of point. i bot so much groceries that i couldnt even carry them !! it seems so easy to throw everything into the trolley and pay for them. Then after paying for them, the practicality of carrying them home by public transport sank in. There was no way i could carry it even to the bus stop. I smsed a friend and tried to think of all other possible friends who drive and may be in the shopping centre ..then Hallelujah!!!!!!! i saw AAron from YA!!!!!! wah god is so good. Must be my prayer in the morning .....so end up aaron carried my groceries and fetched me Homeeeee.....wah eternally grateful to him and God...God is so good.
Another angel is thomas...had choir practice tonight to practice for mothers day service this weekend .after practice thomas brought us to satisfy me and pauline's bubble tea cravingss..plus he ta pau for many others ...so sweet manz..he and charlyn were having this 'fight' as to who pays for the bubble teas he bot for her...aiyoz ...farnie..anyway i realised thomas is a v nice guy to chat with. Me and pauline had a good time chatting w him till the bubble tea shop closed. A good listener and a good speaker .... he then went around fetching bubble teas to diff people ..and fetch me to X place so i can bless X too with bubble Tea ! Wah lao..i feel very grateful to people who ferry me around ...thank You God....

I love God

2007-05-08T22:06:00.000+10:00

im starting to really appreciate wine esp since they are so cheap in perth. Especially those late harvested ones. Currently i am drinkin a 2005 late harvest riesling. I must improve my alcohol tolerance. Coz i get red easily and people think i am drunk when i am not. So hopefully drinking a small amount every night will improve tt! no worries, i am not an alcoholic. Im a winoholic !! wahahaa....

Mr X cooked Hor fun for me todaY! wah lao..first time eating homecooked horfun and it was one of the things i am craving for this week! and it was so gooood, the kind where the noodles are stir fryed with caramel black sauce and then the thick sauce cooked seperately consisting of eggs, prawns, pork etc and then added on the noodles ! and Mr X did all that in a v short time...i wish i had a dad like Mr X man...who needs mothers then..hahahaa....okok i take that back. talk about God answering prayers of food cravings, i had them so many times this year..haha..but then ah i didnt pray about food la. i guess God heard my thoughts hahaha...

Today was a very good day. Thank you God. I love you for spitting me out of the fish like Jonah in the bible. I love you for not treating me like Job who has it much worse off and is sth i yet can take. I love you for teaching me many things through difficult times. I love you for sending people to take care of me. I love you for helping me to change to a person who do not dwell too long in a bad thing....

As i read through some of my past entries, i realised i seriously seem like quite a contradicting person . like i can say i have moved on finally and happily then suddenly an entry pops up after that abt how im struggling againz. It occurred to me im not contradicting myself. I am merely a human being. Believing that i have moved on and yet still having doubts. Its like having faith and yet having doubts at the same time. Ive never been thru so many ups and downs in such a short time. Even if there is going to be another valley, i pray that God you will help me go through it with your strength. I love God!

thank you god for your providence

2007-05-07T18:34:00.000+10:00

i feel very blessed to have good brothers around me
just this morning when i felt abit sad, a sister encouraged me alot and then a brother invited me for lunch tmr and he's cooking!!!! for once i am not the one cooking for another...wah lao so pampered man...
and after that another blessing! i wanted to study today! i have told subway not to put me on days except thurs and sat so i can focus on my studies. But being indoors for too long can get my mind wandering too much to the negative. I do pray and i do spend time with God ..but i still need time out from home or school. And another wonderful brother promised to take me out. in 3 hrs i will have my cravings of fast eddys and watch SPIDERMAN 3 !!!!!!! something to look forward to while i am studying !!!! i enjoy talking with guys. Guys are simpler and more easy going. Guys listen and not judge. Guys are slow to get angry and are more forgiving .hahahaah ... wah lao speaking against my own kind.
Just last night i thank God 2 brothers treated me to KTV and dinner at hawkers cuisine! the food was so good and the KTV was fantastic. I love to sing! I love the MTVS. i love to feel the meaning of the songs and the story behind each song ! One brother commented i sing well too !! wahahaha ....BHB...and u noe out of faith i told my landlord i am going to move out in 4 weeks ( due to various reasons like internet, high rent, noisy neighbours, dangerous neighbourhood etcetc ) although i havent found a new place yet. And then Isaac told me his new home is going to be ready in less than 4 weeks. Aaron (from YA) is going to move in to stay w him too ! The rent wld be less than my current place, the room bigger and he even lets me choose the size of my bed !!!!! the only setback is the location is quite far from school . But then again i dun have classes in school . just need to go school see my professor once or twice a week and borrow books if i need. But still location is a big big setback coz most of my friends here live around my current area and they are always picking me up to go out and if i live in canning vale , i dunno if they wanna drive tt far to get me man ! Isaac seems to be really good at trying to tempt me over. He is even trying to get a car for me so i can drive and everything wont be so far le!!!!!! wah lao ..wat a good offer. No no ..he has no ulterior motives except maybe he expects me to do housework and cook for them every night !!!!! hahaah . This guy is going to get married in Jan next yr. Then his singaporean wife will come and stay in their new home here next yr !!!!! aRGGHHH i need guidance from GOD. cannot be easily tempted !! must pray !!
I thank God for sending people to take care of me during my weakest times....thank you Lord for your providence.

moving on ...

2007-05-07T15:49:00.000+10:00

in a short time, i thank God for some people who He sent to remind me to move on
A friend just told me abt his breakthrough in thinking!
This friend Mr X has more or less been facing the same things as i have.
He told me that its time for him to move on and not let the past drag him down anymore
there are many new things waiting for him
its time to stop hovering around !!!!
exactly, i feel the exact same way this morning even before we spoke
i noe feelings of the past will still come back and haunt me now and then but God is omnipresent and omni powerful ! and i know i will be an overcomer through Him who strengthens me.
Sometimes it is in a foreign country, being away from family and our local friends that we can truly grow up and totally trust in the Lord's powerful plan.
When i return to Spore, i will be totally changed, renewed and transformed into a woman with a clear vision and purpose. A woman who not only can cook, clean and take care of a household well, but a woman with a career , a woman with an influence in the marketplace !!!!!!!! things are going to so change....

regret

2007-05-07T14:32:00.000+10:00

after hearing and reading some things abt him
i realised he is not worth it
i regret what i did
i regret ever calling him with the idea he still cares
in fact i am angry
i am angry and sad
its time to move on .
if you are reading this coz its not privatised!
then i want to tell you that after 5 years ! you moved on real quick
exploring options! that was real fast.
thanks man . i tot i knew you
i dun .
i am a great girl u noe. alot of guys and girls here tell me that.
you are a great guy too . but i guess the difference is, i still appreciate you.
for you, new options .

letting go

2007-05-06T13:35:00.000+10:00

why is letting go of the past so hard
why do i like to think back and think of how good things were then
why do i like to think of how good tristan was to me before
why do i regret that i have let go of such a good guy
why do i not remind myself of the reasons for the break up like he remembers
why do i not remember that breaking up wld draw both of us closer with God and fulfill our individual callings.
why can i not move on like he seems to be
why do i have to call and give him the feeling ' shit, going back to the past again'
why do he no longer say ' i call you back later' instead he says ' i talk to you another day '
why do he no longer care or love me

i dont like to be vulnerable like i was and i am now.
i dont like to eat up every single available biscuits, chocolates, cereal, bread, subway that i have in the house like i did yesterday and the day before.
i dont like to drink wine in excess
i hate myself when i get out of control
i dont like to think that others don't care
i dont like to think that i am alone in all these becoz there are people with bigger problems

i am blessed to be alive
i am blessed to be healthy
i am blessed to have a guitar and be able to play it
i am blessed to have friends who care like janica, aaron, debbie, charlyn, elle, yvonne, jolin, jenny, kylie, shane, mingchoon, darryl, zhisheng.
i am blessed to have a family , all healthy , living in a comfortable house
i am blessed to have my own room in spore
i am blessed to have my own room here in perth
i am blessed to own a bible and be able to read it whenever i want, openly
i am blessed to have housemates who let me cry on their shoulders and tell me they care
i am blessed to have a housemate to drive me to sch when it is dark
i am blessed to own a laptop , ipod nano, a prada wallet, a ericsson hp , a camera
i am blessed to be sponsored by the goverment to study here
i am blessed to be able to buy clothes and shoes when i need or want.
i am blessed with friends in cell who own cars and drive me here and there
i am blessed to be a qualified registered nurse and a qualifed professional bridal make up artiste.
i am blessed to be told that i cook well
i am blessed to be told that i bring light to the cell group
i am blessed to be able to sing for God and serve God in usher
i am blessed to be able to play guitar for cell
i am blessed to be taught how to improve my guitar
i am blessed when people invite me for a meal and cook for me
i am blessed when people celebrate with me when a test is over
i am blessed to have a partner like tristan for almost 5years.
i am blessed that he still picks up his phone or calls me back whenever i call
i am blessed that my friends in spore still ask about me
i am blessed that my stepfather is a nice gentle, kind, sweet , mild tempered, hardworking man
i am blessed my mom is a strong, kind hearted, good cook , good baker, good sewer, caring, allowing me to go church, drive me around woman.
i am blessed eliza my sister is a generous, caring, strong, focussed, forgiving person.
i am blessed elroy my brother is a kind hearted, caring, determined and patient guy

i have purposely written down all these not to boast but to remind myself how blessed i am in life. When things seem purposeless, i tend to focus on what is wrong and not what is right in my life.. its time to focus on the good things i have in life. Things many others do not even experience in their whole lifetime. I am blessed. Its time to let go of the sad things and move on with the positive. i pray that God will help me never to look back again. this is the final time.

Jesus help me for i am weak and only you are strong enough to help me
my friends or family cannot help me lord
only you know the cry of my heart
only you know the real weaknesses i have that even i am not aware
Jesus help me never to cry like a baby again
Lord help me never to binge or drink in excess when i am stress but to come to you instead
help me not to make my family and friends worried about me
Lord heal my father of any heart problems he has now. Lord take away any anxieties in his heart. Lord give my mom the strength to support the family and my father now.
Lord i pray you will take away all the gastric problems eliza is facing now. Lord i pray that you will strengthen her r/s with daniel and let promotion come at work.
Lord give me the grace to go through times like this
Lord help me focus on my research
Lord i pray that my proposal would pass the committee with flying colours
let no one despise my youth and lack of experience
Lord help me get first class honours and be a salt and light of the earth
Lord help me be a good testimony of your goodness
lord help me to lift all my sadness and brokenness and past into your hands to take them away
In Jesus name Amen

DEVIL GO AWAY

2007-05-05T22:12:00.000+10:00

"Wait" By Russell Kelfer
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait.""Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply."Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word."My future and all to which I relate Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,Or even a 'no' to which I can resign."You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,We need but to ask, and we shall receive.And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,As my Master replied again, "Wait." So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run."I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.You'd not know the power that I give to the faint."You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see."You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart."The glow of my comfort late into the night,The faith that I give when you walk without sight.The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last."You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.
"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

Ironically i got this from my ex bf's blog. Ive been v sad tonight abt it again. Thinking i made the wrong decision to break up again. And i am thankful tt this article he put in is reminding me of how God is in all of this. To know him better, to be moulded, to be made better, to experience pain becoz i will then grow up. It is on days like this when i am more free that the devil tries to rock my stability and security in God. I do not want to find security in man but in God. And this time, i am not just saying it. Words are nothing. Action and the renewing of my mind is what counts to God. Security in God. Devil GO AWAY !

3 happy in 1 day

2007-04-23T21:05:00.000+10:00

yipppeee....i got promoted from subway trainee to subway staff in just 2 weeks! My boss said tt i am very good already how can remain as traineee...wahahaaaa...God is good. I hate it when customers look at my name tag ' estee trainee' and then cast doubting looks.. haha....today was surprising, we actually ran out of bread!!! and both ovens are spoilt. So some customers were quite unhappy tt they cant get their bread toasted .

and another happy thing! my housemate Jenny bought KFCCC for dinner ! I had to toasted twister and 1 pc of spicy crispy chicken. Ive been craving for KFC every week man!!! I love KFC here....hahaa...

a third happy thing. some relevant job. I called Royal Perth Hospital, and they are going to arrange an interview for me probably next week! Hope i can get a job there. Even as a patient care assistant i also happy!!!

saturday night at home!

2007-04-21T23:53:00.000+10:00

right now i am sitting on my living room couch with 3 of my housemates around...we watching movies on tv together. Just finished ' bring it on ' ..v nice! i love kirsten dunst , therefore i also love spiderman. Now we watching birdcage. Never heard of this show before, but there's robin williams so shouldnt be too bad. =)

Yesterday was a bad day for me. SPent the whole day at home. Feeling alot of dizzy spells. Missed passion cell. Also had no dinner at home. Thank God got a friend met me up for drinks ' bubble tea' and i also had horfun at northbridge. I miss spore horfun. The Horfun yesterday was the thin kway teow kind. I like the flat big kind. hee. Bubble tea is good ! Seems like perth is so small. At northbridge my friend saw many of his friends and even i saw felix, kenny, brandon they all at the same chinese restaurant.

I burnt my finger at subway today. Now theres a blister on my little finger. The funny thing is i got burnt from contact with a oven melted cheese that landed on my finger and not from direct contact with the oven. Working in subway is hazardous. I also see allllll kinds of people ! people who ask for their change twice (insisting they never got their change when they did ) , people who insist they cant take pepper (when we acidentally added a little pepper ) when they added peppercorn garlic sauce on their sub, people who like to explain why they choose this vegetable, why they want it this way ( i mean honestly we r not interested in knowing their story or rationale behind each thing chosen when theres a long queue of 10 people waiting to be served) , people who complain that the low fat ham meal should also come with normal coke when it was obviously advertised both on tv and posters that it comes with a choice of only diet or coke zero!! so many different kinds of people....

After talking to daniel ( my older sister's boyfriend) , told him about some plans of mine, i finally feel reassured in a way about my tentative plans for my future... I must quickly find a job at the hospital la...no more subway and wasting my professional nursing skills! my friend who is also a nurse is going to help me on this!! my new objective for the week....fix up my nursing resume and find work in hospital ! hee

decision

2007-04-20T05:35:00.000+10:00

i finally know what God wants in this situation

its been so obvious

what God wants is not what i had wanted

finally...time to let go. Happily

why do people stop caring

2007-04-20T03:18:00.000+10:00

just tonight this sentence suddenly came to me
why do people stop caring like they used to

with expectations bring disappointments
then again there wont be any expectations if in the first place the person had never cared

is it wrong to expect the same level of care
i was never expecting more

the most hurting thing is
to be treated like ' u r just my acquaintance ' , ' u r just another member '
having to adjust to differential treatment on different days or timing

i shall stop expecting
put all my focus on my work

being caring in the little things are impt
the small picture is the big picture
thats why i even care when people r going home late at night ...

life is a struggle

unpredictable

2007-04-17T20:21:00.000+10:00

life is unpredictable.
you never know what will happen ..
people always say, you never know what will happen tomorrow
i would like to change it to ...
you never know what will happen by the second..
life can change in seconds
i can change a life in seconds
sounds powerful yea
but not in such a good way today
maybe its not me changing lives today
but somehow i cant seem to stop blaming myself

I have indirectly caused someone to suffer today ...
and that person means alot to me
i feel like murderizing myself
sometimes our intentions can be good
but the outcome is disaster

now when i look at person X,
i feel so much hurt.
the empty look
the confused look
the unbelief look
the undescribable look
the sad look
the disappointed look
the self comforting look

i didnt know what to say
for once a person like me have nothing to say
for once a person who knows what to say at the right time do not know what to say
i cant say anything but i can do something.
Lord guide me.

nothing to fill the vacuum
nothing to make X laugh
nothing to make X feel better
nothing to express how i want to give X a big hug and say its ok , im sorry, be strong.
nothing to make X smile
even a faint smile , i would be comforted.

the only time there was abit more talk was during cleaning...cleaning the C_____ . regretted spilling..but also thankful for it at the same time.

i feel alot for X
X has been a v good friend to me
God sent angel

God,
i pray that you will take away all the pain X is experiencing
even your weakness is stronger than our strengths
i pray for courage and strength for X to go through the rest of today and the week
your grace is sufficient to get us through any situation
I pray that as X does assignments, help X be focussed and do so well in them.
God i pray that you would send the right people into X's life now and speak the things you want X to hear from you.
Lord i pray that you will show X the plans you have for X's life this year. Show X your plans in terms of studies, career, relationships.
Lord i pray for X's mother. I pray that she will not get too worried about X as X shares problems with her. I pray for good health upon both of them.
i pray that Lord you will help X think positive thoughts. In jesus name, negative thoughts never seep into X mind even in the darkness of the night, even during lectures, even during the way back home, even in the midst of music..
Lord help X made a firm decision and stick to it. Lord let the decision come from you and not from X. Help X always consider you in all the decisions made or to be made. Let X not be wavered by the thoughts the devil puts in X mind. Help X discern what thoughts are from the devil and which are from you Lord.
Even when X appear strong, Lord only you know and can see how X is struggling inside. Only you Lord can see How X is weak inside like every other human creation and that the more X try to be strong, the weaker X can get.
Lord, in your word, the Holy and righteous man will be rewarded. We claim this in jesus name.
Lord i lift up X in your precious and holy name.
AMEN.

a good day

2007-04-17T14:12:00.000+10:00

hee dun u think that sometimes one can tell if the day is going to be good just as we open our eyes to the morning light?
well i can, even before prayer, i know it when God has a good day planned for me.
and today is one of them!
woke up at 7am in a drowsy state, went back to sleep and finally forced myself out of bed after 2-3 awakenings. haha...feels good to just nua in bed.
did some studying ...finally feeling focussed again...
feeling secured in myself today ...i realised yes its true and important tt our security lies in God. but its also important that we are secured in ourselves. In our whole entire being, strengths and weaknesses combined...
today i was listening to a nice song called 'enter in' by planet shakers...let me share the lyrics here

Enter In
You lead me through each day
Your Love it covers me
And when I feel afraid
Your Love it covers me
Restorer of my soul
Your Love it covers me
Your presence makes me whole
Your Love it covers me

You are the King of Glory
You’re the Lord Strong and mighty
King of Glory enter in
I lift my hands to Heaven
Shout aloud sing Your praises
King of Glory enter in

To You I lift my soul
My God I trust in You
Show me Your ways O Lord
My God I trust in You
Let me not be ashamed
My God I trust in You
I’ll serve You all my days
My God I trust in You

King of Glory
King of Glory
King of Glory enter in

Words and music by Mike Guglielmucci
2003 Planet Shakers Publishing

all in all, this song is telling me " trust in me" says the Lord

Time

2007-04-16T20:08:00.000+10:00

went to work at subway today 11-530pm. Had diarrhea all day ...thank God the toilet is right in front of subway at carousel. When i was making one guy's sub, i think i scared the hell out of him coz i was in so much pain that i had to bend down and make his sub. and my face got all white i guess. I am quite a strong person usually. Seldom get sick, maybe once a year. Always attributed it to the fact tt i am a nurse. So i got lots of natural antibodies due to the exposure to many potent viruses at work. But food poisoning among all illnesses is the one thing i get most. Though it is still true that i have eaten some things that have gone mouldy and still dun feel sick. hahaa..even right now i feel like i can diarrhea in my seat any moment.

As usual i packed my free sub ( teriyaki and veggie patty for today ) and took some cookies to give to some friends...it seems like any other day...but once i got off work...i feel miserable.
As i took the bus and walked home, i looked to the ground. Usually i look at the sky and see the trees and plants and enjoy the wind. I usually like to walk home or walk to school as the slow stroll i take is v therapeutic. But this time, it was hard not to stare at the ground. suddenly, it seems the ground is v v interesting. duh..along the way i passed a girl. she was listening to her music and superly staring at the ground man..as if examining each and every stone particle that made the pavement. Then as i passed her, i suddenly felt intense sadness from her. I know..sounds damn bogus ....but its true.

before work while waiting for the bus, i wrote down some stuff.....at this emo time for me, a friend has encouraged me to write some words which he may be able to put music to and create a song..... I have found it extremely liberating.. thanks ___ nizer.

time

i close my eyes and imagine you beside me
i close my eyes and thought you told me you are hurting
i close my eyes and there you were telling me how much you still love me

like a dream
we had good times..
all now stored away
i know i love you
its hard to let go

if you still loved me
you would not treat me like a stranger
worser than a friend
it makes me feel worser than an enemy

God, is this all planned
for me to grow up and mature
that we are just made to become stored in each other's memory

gotten used to sleepless night in perth
used to tears in my bed
tears that cannot be wiped away
no more bottles up in heaven
to store away my tears

gotten used to being alone
alone with myself
alone with my rubbish thoughts
alone with God
alone with my guitar
alone in a crowd

close to my heart
far from myself
afraid of the morning light
afraid to open my eyes to reality
afraid of strong faces telling me its alright

once broken, twice shy.
even God cannot turn back time

holding on

2007-04-15T22:28:00.000+10:00

good times
hopes of happiness
hopes of love
hopes of a future

when the door opens, it quickly shuts
when would this end
when would tomorrow become today
when would God's timing be my timing

love or be loved
hold on or let go
hope or wish

love and let go
or
love and hold on

holding on to the hope

forget

2007-04-15T22:14:00.000+10:00

forget, i didnt try too hard to forget
those memories

thinking, i didnt try hard not to think of
those memories

i have learnt to be strong

but still i am afraid
afraid that in the loneliness of the night
memories of your goodness will seep in
and make it harder to forget

in loneliness, the night seems longer and darker
i have learnt to be strong,

but in loneliness, the night becomes longer and darker
the day becomes another day

with time
i have found the strength to not remember your goodness,
still ...
afraid that i cannot forget...
afraid that in the quietness of the night
when nobody is around, i will think of you
still wanting but afraid to hear news of you

too late to turn back time
it takes strength to give up
strength to not think
strength to not feel

forget, i didnt try too hard to forget
forget...

2nd new entry ....lots of thoughts..in perth

2007-04-15T19:17:00.000+10:00

wow ..i read through my past entries, and i realised how much things have changed for me. read again about the betrayal and hurts i went thru last yr and it all seemed so fresh...
relationships are hard..esp boy girl relationships..
after me and tristan seperated just 1 month ago, i have been through another rollercoaster ride with me, myself and God. Everyday seems to be a struggle. Although i was the one who decided to walk away and shocked many friends in Singapore who thought we are a match made in heaven and sure to get married material. i always thought we would get married also lor. We often talked about marriage plans, family plans , in law plans etc. I know his entire clan of family ..etc. almost 5 years of couplehood *tristee (estee+tristan)* ...all these have come to a so called mutual end....recently i have been asking myself again whether i made the right decision. He is the perfect guy but why did i want to walk away?
since entering singlehood, there were many joys of being a single. Yet there are alot of heartaches too. I struggle every single day with staying focussed on whats important. I spend time with God every single day (which i dun before we seperated) . I definately can discern the voice of God more than before. I definately feel God holding me and protecting me. God is ever so strong right now in perth as i enter into singlehood. And yet..i still feel so unloved sometimes. I know God is love and without a doubt, God loves me so much. I love God alot too. But i am a human being, i am not God. The scenario where eve needs adam applies in everybody's life. Thats why every man wld feel dissatisfied without another half. when i was getting impatient, God reminded me of this verse in romans 8:25 > but if we look forward to something we don't have yet, we must wait PATIENTLY AND CONFIDENTLY' . During service today , God told me " do you trust me? do you trust that i have it all planned out for you? "
When i read my previous entry about how immature tristan was when he decided to leave me for another girl , about how a r/s is about committment etcetc , it suddenly got me thinking about why i am the one who choose to walk away now despite being such a firm believer of committment.
when i wrote that, i wrote with the idea that i had totally devoted myself to our relationship during those 4 years and hence committment is important. After 4 years , we see alot more imperfections in our partner than say a few months, hence it is easier to walk away.
but this time, i am not walking away because of all his imperfections. I am not walking away becasue i am sian with him already, i am not walking away because of another guy ...
i am walking away because i know its the right thing to do. Sounds so so so so damn unexplanatory i know. For quite a while, i have been feeling empty in my heart . Although tristan was always there for me, caring for me etc, i still felt like theres a vacuum. After we seperated, although just a short 1 month plus ago, although i still say i have lots of roller coaster emotions , i still feel like the void in my heart is now being filled....filled with the presence of God. I know why i am going through so much turmoil in my thoughts , because God is pushing me to be someone big in his kingdom. Someone who will do great and mighty things in his name. Someone who will become the salt and light of the earth. When God pushes me to be better, as i get higher on my spiritual level, the devil is afraid, hence there is a spiritual battle right now in my life. I have so much thoughts....so much....its hard to stay within one pt at a time.
I chose to walk away from this good 5 year relationship because i know God has planned it for me. After this relationship plus many other ones before this, i now clearly know what God wants for me in my partner. i used to say many points like ' sense of humor' , ' caring ' etc . but now it all boils down to 2 points : he must be a godly man who i respect and can build me up spiritually and secondly, he must be able to think ahead of me and take care of me.....

back in blogspot...in perth

2007-03-26T13:13:00.000+10:00

Hi again to blogspot!
I have decided to come back here due to
1) the supergengcell blog which is blogspot
2) there may be more personal space here now since many think i have shifted to 'greener pastures'
3) i realise some things are good to be kept simple.

I have been in perth for the past 1 month. Lots of things have changed for me..
1) me and tristan have broken up
2) i have joined a hip and happening, close knitted and connected cell group and church called zion praise harvest. I love this cell, i feel the happiest when i am with them, so liberating, not too religious but yet not wrong...something that i have not felt in Singapore the past 4years.
3) spending more time with God. the feelings of how i first loved him is back again!
4) joined the choir ministry, usher ministry and going to try to do makeup for the drama production team. Serving has taken on a whole different meaning. I often ask myself what is all these compared to how Jesus knelt down to wash the feet of his disciples.
5) doing my honours in a nationwide project called 'woundswest' . My professor is suggesting that he would try to push for me to stay on for PHD so i can continue on this big project which is going to take 3 years to complete.
6) im cooking alot more now. I so enjoy cooking for cell !! so far got cook carbonara, creamy tomato pasta, tuna bake cheese pasta, meesiam, stewed pork bee hoon, fried rice, thai basil chicken, vegetables, desserts......etcetc...i so enjoy cooking for the people i love! At home my mom dun like me hanging around when she is cooking..haha i can understand how she feels. In alot of ways, i feel i am like my mom esp when it comes to cooking! i realised i have a gift in cooking. Alot of times, i dun need a recipe to make something, even if i have a recipe, i wld modify it alot and the outcome is always good. Its like knowing how much to put without being told. Its a gift! thanks MOM! Must be your genes. hee...of coz sometimes i do add too much salt and make mistakes, hahaa..but its fun! learn from experience! I know my sis must be thinking ' always cook for other people never cook for family ' , thats coz mom is so damn good at cooking le lor .wah lao where got need me except during mother's day ! hahaa ...
7) learnt alot about stupid laundry cleaning. I have all my own episodes of white clothes turning pick, black shorts kana all the fibre from the towel etc. After all that in melbourne, it still happened again in perth!!! but finally i have gotten the 'formula' to washing le!! Alot of things appear simple to do, but when we do it ourselves, we see all the little things that went wrong. So think twice before scolding our maids or blaming our parents for washing it all wrong. Hai...mothers are great! and we only know when we take on the role while being overseas.

Recently, ive been praying about a few things...which i cannot reveal here...in all things, lift it up to God by prayer and supplication....in all our ways, acknowledge him...

when things turn moody..negative thoughts seep in through the quietness and darkness of the night, when we are all alone with our thoughts, God is there...security doesnt come from men, it comes from God...i still struggle with this at times, but i know God can turn my weaknesses into strengths!!!

BYE BLOGSPOT...

2006-07-11T21:50:00.000+10:00

hi...this entry is for everyone..
just to say i am no longer going to write in this blog liao..
i have found greener pastures..haha
however as it has become shocking to me that a lot more people read into my personal life than i would want it to happen....
i have decided not to publish my new blog address here...
haha if u r taking it personally then it means i mean sth to you so you wanna read about you so this doesnt apply to u la
hahah dunno what i rambling about ...
once i get my new blog space settled, organized etc then i may publish the address..
meanwhile...thanks for taking the time out to read about me here..
tata...

the most impt thing i wanna end off on a good note here is .......
GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME

walking away is the only answer...

2006-07-06T13:36:00.000+10:00

a relationship is a committment..
it is not entirely based on feelings.. esp when making a decision to let go...

on the first yr...everything is perfect...
the person appears perfect ..full of strengths and little weakness..
a few yrs down the road..
weaknesses become magnified..
and strengths become obscured..
when that happens...
what do we do?
rely on our feelings?
run away becoz 'its just too hard'?

i am a firm believer of committment ....
and i feel that is what God wants to teach all of us
tempations come and go all the time
and when they come .... they appear perfect.. thats why they are called temptations what

it only takes a mature man of God to know if that temptation, that 'perfect' person would stay perfect a few yrs down the road..
it takes maturity to know what is it we really want out of any relationship..
it takes maturity to discern if it is or not the right thing to do
it takes maturity to rely not just on our feelings.... esp when it comes to letting go and walking away...

sometimes we pray every single day
we lift up our hands to praise Him..
and yet at the same time we are sinning unaware...
the worser thing is...
to sin aware ..taking the presence of God for granted..
God is everywhere..
He sees our every intention

is your intention Godly?
or are you attending the house of God for a different intention ...
confess your sins today ...
repent and God would forgive....
you are not like me at all ...
i would never have done such a thing...never...
we can make all kinds of reasons....feelings ....haha..i wanna laugh...
ultimately...only God knows...

i will not grief the Holy Spirit
even in the quietness and darkness of the night when its so easy to cry and say i forgive... come back ....we can start all over...when the feeling of loneliness becomes magnified....
i will not be tempted by the terrors of the night..
i will not . i still love and care so much .....but all these have been in vain..taken for granted ....
you have forgotten the love that we share
and walking away thought heart wrenching is the only way ....
you will never find perfection and easiness in relationships..
it would always be hard...
how i look at it..?
i look at the joy it also brings in hardtimes...
i look at hardtimes as lessons to learn during the 4yrs...
running away and hiding is not the solution...
it is not....

i will not grief the holy spirit...

man can fail us..but God would never ever fail us ....

rollercoaster night

2006-07-05T05:43:00.000+10:00

tonight is my last night in sydney before flying back to singapore..
i laid in bed unable to sleep....tristan laying fast asleep and snoring...
i realised i needed to get some telephone numbers of people in singapore to call as i do not have my sim card ....
that was the end of the peace of the night ..
i chanced upon things that hurt me inside out..

betrayal, hurt, frustration, anger, sadness, disappointment, confusion and basically madness happened all in a span of 3-4hrs...
i cried so many tears and lost my voice...
but yet u still really love him ...
i had been very confused the past week ...
i keep finding reasons to make myself feel like a breakup was necessary ...
i stated reasons in my previous blog entries..reasons which i had i had to crack my brain to think..reason that didnt even occur to me before the breakup....i didnt even really know why it happened....
i felt so unsettled...
i knew there was something more behind his sudden change of attitude and decision ..
i knew it...a woman's instinct or a Godly instinct...
everything happens according to God's plan and purpose....
everything was meant to happen to teach both of us something...

then finally the picture is not so confusing anymore..
i didnt have to find reasons to rationalize the sudden change in attitude and behavior anymore..
becoz i have found the main reason ...

its amazing how people can know the word of God and yet not be able to put it to practice..
but its only natural..
we are not God ....
we are Man..and man is not perfect..

i know he is not perfect and i am not either....
and tt is why we often make sacrifices for each other ...

everything ended well ....
i was surprised....
because i was so so angry to begin with
i never felt so angry before..

we prayed together...

God is good all the time

whatever the future holds...
let it be according to His will...

Lord,
Help me to forgive the party involve...
give me strength to carry on ...
give me wisdom and your grace to know what step to take and what choice to make...
For only you can be the answer to every problem ...

TGIF!!!!!

2006-06-15T08:24:00.000+10:00

TGIF !!!!!!!!!!!

Heee ..Well its not friday yet..but ..its coming! We must thank God in advance for his blessings ! hahaa...

Tristan is coming in about 2days time!! I am so so happy !!! Last night i was studying with lowie..we chatted quite a bit and frm our conversations, i realised how blessed i am to have tristan in my life. She asked me what is the thing that irritates me most about tristan, and i can say that i thought for the longest longest time.....becoz i really really cannot think of anything instantly that irritates me about him. Hes like the perfect man for me....hahaaa...He may not be the best for girl A or B, but hes perfectly made for ME ! wahah..and im perfectly made for him ..i guess ..wahahaa....Lowie told me, " Estee you are very lucky la, u must really treasure tristan ..."
Last night , i had a nightmare while studying (not sleeping!). I 'dreamt' that tristan was on the way home frm the pub after watching soccer and d--d from a car accident. Then i cried !! Literally ! then i imagined myself flying back to Singapore immediately and being sure that i could never ever find a man like him anymore...haizz..the imagination goes wild during exams...
haha before i know tristan, i had 5 bfs...each one did not last longer than 1 month..usually becoz i got tired of seeing the same face for a month ( i even challenged myself to make it thru the one month mark when i was dying inside! whaha...) ....
Now with tristan, its areidi 3 years and 8 months and im still looking forward to seeing and talking to him every single day ...

love like i'm gonna lose that person anytime....

Needs of the SOUL....

2006-06-11T14:01:00.000+10:00

Needs of the SOUL - by Pastor Kong Hee 11th June 2006

1) Spiritual
-an area only God can fill
-to experience God. To encounter, come under the power of God

2) Love
if there is no l0ve in our lives, we will feel empty
tts why we long for relationship, fellowship, community...
blogging etc ..a need in the human soul to connect....
A sense of belonging to people we love and people who love us
tt is why our family is important. To feel love and to love them.

3) Self esteem
to feel proud of ourselves
asset who we are
even Jesus was attacked in this area to doubt who he is " if u are the son of God, bow down and worship me..etc'
Christianity is not a bed of rose ..it is an ' in spite of ' faith ...

4) Knowledge

5) Security
e.g. economic security

6) Asthetic
i.e. arts, painting, music, dance, sculpture, architecture, decoration
Whatever that is beautiful ......
We live an impoverished life if there is no art in our lives.
art : an expression of our creativity and innovation
art makes the invisible visible
brings into the natural what we sense in the spirit
communicates our emotion and ideas...
arts fills the soul with delight, with grandeur ...' a painting of the grand canyon ' ...
Fashion...Trend ....

7) Freedom
in 4 areas....

a. in speech and expression
b. to worship
c. from poverty and lack
d. from fear

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.....

Because of all these needs..we have what we have in society
> Education
> Church
> Government
> Media fighting for press freedom
> Family ......
> Arts

Society can never achieve its full potential if any of these needs are not met.

All these can be applied into our church ..
asthetics > music , dancing, fashion ..
freedom > not being controlled or forced to do things ..
Knowledge > able to understand the word of God
Self esteem> edifying, encouraging...
Love > the Love of God, fellowship with others...
Spiritual > filled with the presence of God...
Security > in God , the church is open to its people ..

touched..

2006-06-09T12:14:00.000+10:00

Been studying w lowena ( i call her LOWIE haha) we were chatting for a while then she said to me " you changed alot since i first knew you." I was touched because i know its for the better. Recently, Lowie would always be very happy to see me...she'll even miss me when im not around. Wow...i never thought i can be missed to this extent...wat a great encouragement during this time of exams...hee..im happy to say the unneccessary stress and anxiety that i always have in NYP during exams is absent here...I have confidence because I have Jesus !! and of coz my family and tristan ...Remember to pray for me! ;p WOOOHOOOO...tristan is coming in 8 daysssss....ARGHHHH...im so excited manz..beyond description !!!!!

rediscovering my vision

2006-06-04T12:43:00.000+10:00

..........
..........kutersanjung
karna semua yang baik
dalam hidupku
itulah karya Mu
kau b'ri
k'sempatan yang baru...

i love this song by Bro Sydney from indonesia..i couldnt catch the whole song ..thou its in a different language i just felt the power of the holy spirit in the song.God is the same everywhere, in indonesia, in china, in singapore..

Recently i've been feeling like i do not noe what is God's purpose for my life...I have had a vision and somehow it has died...but this morning i felt like its has been revived again.
When pastor Kong shared this morning about the medical volunteers in Yogkarta..i felt like " yes i noe why i am doing Nursing" .."i noe why i am upgrading myself here, why i am here away from city harvest, away from cell group, away from tristan, away from my family.."
I sometimes wonder why i am studying so hard for, why work so hard when i earn so little?" I often feel the nurses in singapore are one of the most under appreciated and lowly paid 'profession' .
Today God told me....you are doing this becoz i have called you to. Then i remember about 4years ago how i was in NUS doing my arts degree. A friend brought me to church and i got saved. God spoke to me and i took the courage (despite many objections ) to drop out of NUS and take nursing in NYP. Thank God for a supportive family.
My life has never been the same since knowing God and doing nursing..
God reminded me of this....
Why am i doing nursing???
" not to earn praises from teachers, family or friends for doing a good job or having such a noble profession, but to earn the praises from the Lord.
Why upgrade myself???
To become an expert in my profession,
To be a light in the market place
To educate young nurses or students
To be a change agent for the profession
To be a person of influence...a reflection of His goodness ..so that others would want to know Him...
To be skilled so i can volunteer when there is an overseas medical emergency..

I am studying for exams now...
" success is not what we do COMPARED TO OTHERS , it is what we do COMPARED TO WHAT WE COULD HAVE DONE "

Day out with the life group...FUN ~~~

2006-06-03T22:34:00.000+10:00

Davina blowing out her 10 birthday reddish candles!! haha she counted the candles when asked her age! SO she's 10 yrs old!hahaha... It was a yummy chocolate cake!

Davina and Grace... Davina with her birthday pressie > a white bag and a pretty bracelet ...

Davina's birthday card... Spent at least 10 hours on 2 occasions doing it..What keeps me going is that she's a good leader and only a good card would truly represent the love everybody has for her...I really love the happy faces of people whenever they get a home made card... God truly gives us creative minds ...Becoz what i planned for turned out better than expected! Haha but still rm for growing....not good enough..

The whole life group...Sistor Wei Wei (Bro Hanafi's wife )on the extreme left wearing white is the owner of this house where we have our life groups every saturday. Her 2 sons : wilfred and Josh are also in this pic! Very very nice family !

Davina cutting her cake..with 2 bopping heads ..haha

Me and Davina ..

Me and Wilfred ...a very nice, easy going and fun brother to the whole life group...always cracking silly and funny jokes..

Brian, Josh, Jesscy, Grace, Wilfred, Davina, Me and Sistor Weiwei..
having vietnamese noodles at Richmond. Very nice!! We added chilli, sweet sauce, lime to the soup as recommended by the 'lao jiao' and voila! we got shiok noodle soup!

Thank You Lowena !!

2006-06-03T00:37:00.000+10:00

Lowena..if u are reading this ..
i just wanna say a BIG THANK YOU for helping me do my genogram..
I didn't ask but u offered ! Despite feeling so sian and stuff, you still took the time out to help a computer idiot like me...and the genogram was so nice! I do wish you would feel less sianz soon....hee...its gonna be all over soon!! thank you girl..muakzzz....

Home sweet Homezz...

2006-06-02T16:59:00.000+10:00

hee..im back home..been at kailee's and xiuhua's place the past two days. Its always such a good feeling to come back home..though i did enjoy staying at their place becoz they are such lovely girls!
We've been trying to study the past two days for the upcoming exams..haha..one thing good about studying in groups is tt we can chitchat whenever we are bored..We take breaks together, snacked, talked about everything and anything and stay up till 3-5am..and of coz have supper..its like such a nice feeling. I love talking with KaiLeE because she is very simple and sweet. During the stay i made her try some soy strawberry milk (which is really good !) and she had diarrhea..aiyo felt so bad...but thankfully shes ok now. I also love talking w xiuhua because she is such a good listener and patient. XiUhuAalways initiates to cook, like a potential good wife and mother..the first night she cooked this for us ... Japanese Stir fried sukiyaki and vegetables.

On the 2nd night, we decided to have 'breakfast' for dinner Bacon, eggs, bread, sausage...It was fun cooking together. Everybody being open,genunine, sincere, not putting up a front, respecting each other's wants, discussing openly about ideas, willing to consider other's opinions and ideas, able to let down our pride to say we made a mistake, giving each other their space when needed and communicating w trust and love. Being here in melbourne has really made me realise the importance of friends and how to treasure good ones.

Picturesss...downloaded at 515am ..i havent slept wahaha

2006-05-31T04:45:00.000+10:00

haha my nephew Ethan..so cute rite! awww..looks more and more handsome ..

at queen victoria market..infront of the sweet shop with Shile ...Shes buying abalone flavoured and honey coated macademia nutz..

Shile talking to the man sellin wines. The man dislikes me coz i said his wine not nice ..so i had to stand far away coz he keeps waving some paper in my face ...whaahaha....im only being honest mahz...Well his wine tasted like its from rotten grapes which shile agrees lorz..but his chocolate flavoured liqour was good haha..well how badly can we go w chocolates ?!

in front of the cake shop at Queen Victoria Mkt...Loads of cookies and cakes ...

On the train towards GLen Waverley for Church ...

Dinner time at Lygon St. Calamari and wedges.. one of the dishes..

very cold..must wear gloves..my hands were cold to the point of numbing pain...

background is CH 7 tv station ! At docklands...

this pic was taken sometime back..at MAx Brunner..called tear drop ..cost a whopping $9+. totally not worth the money ...waffles still the best!

studying vs working

2006-05-30T22:43:00.000+10:00

HAiz..when i was working, i wished i was studying. Now im studying i wished i was working..haha..which made me think > when is it ever good enough ? Working in ICU made me mentally, physically and socially drained. Studying makes me err...hmmmm....just sianz..hhahaha...come to think of it studying is better ..oh yes! new revelation ! hahaha ..well maybe studying does make one irrational...

Thank You Lord and Lowena

2006-05-29T20:42:00.000+10:00

haha first time im blogging twice in a day ..im tempted into blogging this 2nd time coz a friend did a wonderful thing for me todayz!

Haha ..this morning i woke up feeling sianz. Coz i gotta do laundry, sweep the floor, clean the toilet and buy groceries ! Gone are the times when all i needed to do was study and open my mouth to eat. wahaha..I hate to do laundry .no its more like i hate clothes with colours that run. Arghh..the first few times i did laundry, a few precious clothes got stained pink, blue ,black etcetc. Now im smarter, i handwash those that have a history of 'running' and those i have an instinct would 'run'. Okiez so i was in the midst of doing laundry when i thought "i wish someone would come to my door with all the groceries i need." Haha..lazy like a pig...its a task to put on so many clothes just to get out in the freezing cold to buy some food and the supermarket is 15minutes away.. haha i had this wish coz last saturday's invited speaker at service (sorry i forgot his name) spoke abt his experience when he and his wife ran out of groceries and had no money to buy any. He told his wife to write down a list of the things they need. His wife while shooting him the ' are you crazy' look then started to write down a list while he prayed to the Lord in his heart. Once she was done, someone rang their doorbell with the exact groceries they needed! Praise the Lord!
haha ..so here was i thinking "dear Lord, i wish someone would get my groceries today, im running low and yet im lazy " hahaa..then a few minutes later , LOWENA smsed me to ask if i wanted anything from safeway the supermarket ! HAhaaah..i just told her 2 things on my list of 6 items because i didnt wanna trouble her too much, with the weight and bulkiness of the things. In the supermarket she couldnt find one of the items and called me again. In the call she asked me again if i needed anything else, then i hesitantly told her the others and she happily said they r right in front of her or she saw it etcetc. WOw ...1 hour later, she came to my door with all my groceries !! Wow lowena is such a good friend, she didnt even complain about the heaviness or bulkiness ...then i realised that God is really good. I remember PHILENE who helps me buy vegetables, bread, heavy canned food, junkfood etcetc whenever she went marketing. And when i needed a can opener, before i could bring the can up to her room, she quickly came down to my room and opened the can for me manz.. So nice! CHARMAINE also always asks me if i needed anything from the supermarket and often uses her marketing skills to buy good products at good prices so i can save money... both of us always see the weekly safeway brochures for the weekly offers online (like some kiasu aunties wahhaah) then we'll aim for this and that ..wahaha....

Such a good God who hears our thoughts and prayers and such good friends ! What more can i ask for ?!

Events the past few days

2006-05-29T11:56:00.000+10:00

haha i have 2 entries in a draft form and now i dun wanna put them up liao coz they're outdated areidi..the past few days have been busy for me..
it doesnt seem like the exams are cuming up coz im still in a totally unstressed playful mood. haha but just to add this for my family..I noe my limits!!! wahaha...

I remember tt i met up with kailee and xiuhua for brekkie 3days ago. Then went to meet charmaine and her friend shile (a nurse from sgh here in melbourne to visit) and another friend of shile's charlene (studying in uni Mel also a nurse). Charlene was sad that her assignment got a not too good grade and i feel so unfair abt it for her. The use of English in writings here are different . I can re-read and re-read to make sure my writing is coherent and get many people to edit but yet it may still end up to be lousy in their standards. Furthermore i am sure Charlene's writting should be better than mine coz according to shile, charlene writes drama scripts and arty farty stuff quite often. So i am abit worried about my assignments i havent got back. Charmaine's tutor even commented on her assignment that ' i know it must be hard because english is your 2nd language' wah liew..hahah ..haiz... gotta pray hard that watever hard work that went into the writing would be reaped back double or triple fold!

The next day, i followed charm and shile to preston market to shop arnd and eat shanghai food. Wah honestly i really really dislike the chinese food here maybe coz my mom is such a great cook ! I always criticize about how its too oily, too little taste, ' all they used was pepper and salt in their yang zhou chou fan' , ' all they used was salt, oil and msg in their fried nian gao' , ' the red bean was not sweet enough and too little in the fried red bean pancake' etc etc .wahaha i think i could drive anybody crazy . Aiyo it seems im becoming like my mom in food critique. She would often eat and say what went into making the dish and criticise alot if its not good etc .hahah.but i am also similar to her when it comes to home cooked food. My mom often eats leftovers or almost anything on the plate when at home, i am the same. I am very shui pian about the food people cook at home for me or i cooked for myself. But during lunch charm mentioned tt i always criticize her cooking abt being too bland. Well i was shocked coz i didnt even realise it. I remember saying its not salty enough 2 times and tt was when she kept telling me herself tt its quite bland etc etc. I never liked to show non appreciation for other people's cooking unless its sth im paying for outside.
well to end on a happy NOte! tristan is coming in 19 days !!!! yeah yeah yeah ...wah its my current motivation to study for my exams in abt 2 weeks...yipppeee...exams never felt happier ! wahaahaha..

Treating our partners like our best friends

2006-05-25T12:17:00.000+10:00

This abstract is adapted from the book "Every woman's battle : discovering God's plan for sexual and emotional fulfillment" by Shannon Ethridge.

" ..I used to go to bed expecting that my husband would talk with me for a while, not just about superficial stuff, but really engage in deep conversation. Even though I had heard psychologists explain that a man is capable of speaking only so many words each day and that they are almost all used up by the time He gets home from work, I thought i could drag it out of him. Needless to say, I usually went to sleep disappointed. SOmetimes i went to sleep devastated, as I was trying to carry on a meaningful conversation and the only response I ultimately got once i stopped talking was "ZZZZzzzzz." ...Squirrel and nut theory..rather than talk, I would simply say goodnight and allow him to drift off to sleep.........By letting go of your expectations for your husbands to meet your emotional needs and redirecting your focus on meeting his needs instead, you are serving him. In this way, his desire will eventually be to serve you as well. He'll recognize your desire to meet his needs and that desire will be contagious.....When i speak of serving your husband......Im referring to serving your husband's needs out of deep love and committed friendship, with no hidden motive and expecting nothing in return. Jesus referred to this type of service in the following passage : " My command is this : Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that (she) lay down (her) life for (her) friends. -John 5:12.13.
.........................." Do i consider my husband my friend?" ......I was expecting my husband to take everything i was dishing out, not realizing that he deserves best-friend treatment and common courtesy as much if not more so than anyone else in my life. I had been like Jekyll and Hyde-oozing smiles and sweetness to everyone outside our home while venting my frustrations on those within it. I've since come to realize that who i really am isn't the shannon the world sees but the person my family sees.
.....Keeping in mind that treating your husband like your best friend means treating him as the grown man that he is rather than as a child....I would complain about how he was dressed and pick out alternative clothes for him when there was nothing wrong with what he was wearing...This mother-son dynamic can kill the desire for intimacy....Your husband didn't marry you so he could have another mother, but so he could have a best friend. If you treat him like the grown man he is, you will foster in him an attitude of mutual respect, appreciation toward you...."

Next entry would be on learning each other's love language.
Why am i writing this into my blog?
Because i felt God saying that good things must be shared. I know friends who are married and may find this useful. I am not married but i feel that the same should go into any relationship where the outcome is marriage. It is always good to learn early. And we are not perfect. Be it a long time member in church, a leader, a lifelong christian, a lover of christ etc..we still need to constantly reevaluate ourselves. Hope this helps someone.

Celebrating Wilfred's birthday at TGIF at Chapel St

2006-05-24T11:02:00.000+10:00

TGIF's signboard !

Grace, me and Davina

Grace, me, dav, Wilfred,Adeline,Anna,MengKang, Amanda,Sam, Brian,Jesscy..

Wilfed with his super lighted cake and the staff of TGIF singing him a special birthday song. We asked for candles and got even more!!

Wilfred cutting his cake. Bought by Grace (the birthday coordinator) frm Myers. Nice!

Wilfred with his pressie...
Sam and Wilfred acting silly ..:P

BAN DA VINCI CODE ??!!!! NO WAY !!! message by Pastor Kong Hee on 21st May 2006

2006-05-21T14:58:00.000+10:00

mathew 5:13-16
" You are the salt of the earth; but if the salt loses its flavor,how should it be seasoned? It is then good for nothing but to be thrown out and trampled underfoot by men. You are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket but on a lampstand and it gives light to all who are in the house. Let your light so shine before men that they may see your good works and glorify your father in heaven."

We should not redraw or retreat from the world but be totally engaged in the world

big question : what is the right christian response to a movie like the da vinci code?
should we ban it? Even such a small island like Singapore is in the CNN news because many churches in Singapore insist that the movie should be banned.
how would God respond to this movie?
how would God respond to brothels, homosexuals, to harry potter ?

What did God do in the Garden of Eden? He planted many trees and right in the centre he planted the tree of knowledge of good and evil
God then gave an instruction to Adam to tend the tree but yet not eat of its fruit.
Why did God do this? God would know that Adam would sin and eat the fruit of this tree. Yet why did God still tell Adam to tend to the tree ? God know that this tree has evil and because of this tree, the world would be plunged into sin. But yet God did not remove or saw down the tree. WHY?
Because to God, Innocence is NOT virtue. To hear no evil, see no evil doesnt mean virtue.
Alot of churches want to keep their people innocent. To protect them from the evil of the world. If thats that case then all parents should put their kids on a permanent curfew for life. Away from the evils of the world. But what would become of the kid then? He would become naive, gullible, immature, mentally and spiritually retarded .

What is virtue?
it is POWER and innocence TESTED, CHALLENGED.
Even Jesus was TESTED in the wilderness by satan, God did not shield Jesus from the evil. Jesus passed the test. As a result, Jesus returned from the testing in the power, the spirit and the virtue of God.
Tested but still strong on the inside.

if we are offered a FICTION like Da Vinci Code, what do we do?
God's word will never pass away.
if 2000 years of christianity can be undone by a book or movie tt last 2hours, what kind of faith is that?
If a movie can destroy our belief, faith and committment to God, then what faith is that?
we should watch da vinci code and develop spiritual muscle. So that we know what we can say to people.
we live in a fallen world, but we r not imbibed in the world
we dont need to build walls around us so evil cannot come in .
we should fully engage in the world as the salt and light and shine for Jesus.
if we don't engage, we become irrelevant, useless, good for nothing. Not just irrelevant to the world but to the kingdom of God.
Society is made up of 7 things
1) religion
2) family
3) business
4) education
5) government
6) arts
7) media
last 5 are known as the market place
God put us into the world , into the market place
God wants us to be like DANIEL in the modern world
Daniel is a good, godly man.
He is one of the 3 men (Noah, Job, Daniel) in the bible singled out for his extraordinary righteousness.
Daniel 5:11 > there is a man in your kingdom in whom is the spirit of the Holy God...chief of the magicians, astrologers, chaldeans and soothsayers.
Daniel was Holy because He has the spirit of the Holy God (Daniel 5:14).
It is the attitude in our hearts that makes us Holy and not how we look on the outside.
Daniel looked 100% like the babylonians in his days. He don't look like a priest. Babylon is the most adulterous nation in the world .Daniel dresses and carry himself in a way tt places him in the company of the magicians, kings, socerors etc of the babylon.
But Daniel had the spirit of God and tt makes him Holy. It doesnt matter how he dresses.
Daniel is such an expert in his field tt he is the chief of the musicians and the socerers.
Daniel 1: 17 ...God gave them knowledge and skill in all litreture and wisdom and Daniel had understanding in all visions and dreams.

Daniel is so well trained in babylonian art that he knew what were the babylonians philosophy like. He was not naive or ignorant of the acultic practices of babylon. His innocence was tested again and again but all the time he remained holy and righteous. Like salt and light , his ministry was totally entrenched in the world.
if we are in the realm of business, be a real good businessman.and not an evangelist.
if are called into media, we should be a real good media producer or scriptwriter etc
Daniel was a real counsel to the king . He was not a christian under cover. but the power he leaned on is the POWER OF GOD.
Do not be neither here or there in our occupation ! be good in our occupation. Be baptized into the culture of our trade as we shine for the lord and excel in it.

HO yeow SUn is no longer a church worker or pastor.
she is not undercover trying to be a singer-preacher.
she is totally into the pop ministry.
SUn is trying to be a daniel in the entertainment world and shine for the glory of God.

Daniel 5:12 > how did daniel rise up the ranks?
in as much as in the excellence spirit was found in him .
what is an excellent spirit? it is not an anointing of the holy spirit.
excellence is an attitude. the attention to details that give rise to superior perfromance which leads to promotion in life.
details determine destiny hence by being faithful to little things, we would get promotion in life.

When Guy sabestian (a christian) won the australian idol, the australian churches freaked out. "How can u be An IDOL "they say.
Here we are singing, dancing, having the best voices but yet afraid to join contests like this? Some Singaporean christians freak out over the chinese new year because the word ' bai nian' (nian is a demon) is like praying to the demon!!
romans 14: 1 > recieve one who is weak in faith, but not to disputes over doubtful things.
when we are weak we cannot accept many things.
ie not being able to accept somebody who won the idol contest or dresses like a babylonian makes us weak in faith as PAul says.

What does these signs means to christian conspiracies??
1) PEACE SIGN
broken cross. crow's feet > satan
so if we wear a shirt with this sign > we are anti christ ?!
what is this sign ?
it is an emblem to represent nuclear free. ND : nuclear disarmament.
and to represent peace
2) VICTORY SIGN
V sign that is satan's nails driven into Jesus's hands.
3) I LOVE YOU SIGN used by deaf people
its also satanic !

All these are examples of what weak faith is. Not being able to take many things.

The message is holy but the packaging is not.
Holiness is a spiritual thing, its from the heart.
what is sad is that most christians cant live in the world.
they need to retreat. because they cant handle it.
How can we be a Daniel, Moses, Jesus?
Jesus looked so much like one of the people, that it took a traitor's kiss for the soldiers to find out which is Jesus. He doesnt look like a religious clergy man.

extremes >>> Legalism vs licencism (Licence to sin i.e cheap grace) .
God doesnt want us to be extremes. He wants us to be right in the middle.

To be in the world but not of the world.

Isreal > 26 different times of celebration. God loves a celebration. every 7th year, every 50th year a huge party called the JUBILEE. God loves music, the arts, dancing (He rejoices over his people with singing and dancing)
We can, we should and we must be sharp, contemporary, prosperous, healthy, wealthy and yet holy, anointed, relevant and doing great things for God. That is why we need our pastor. The pastor's Job is to keep the message of the gospel pure and the anointing of the holy spirit flowing in the place but yet getting the people into the 21st century.
EMERGE !!!

Weighty issues?!

2006-05-18T10:54:00.000+10:00

just woke up..which is a good news coz tt means i had a longer better sleep. hee...was it at sis klessis's blog ? but i remember someone asking the ' why must we sleep ' qn .hahaha .anyway it always feels great having slept well. Im still staying with kailee..prob till tmr. Slept at her room last nite, being right beside me,i had no 'nightmares' of her walking into my rm lor hahaha...
anyway last nite i had this conversation w S. We were talking abt weight. S is not worried at all about weight coz she's genetically made in such a way tt no matter how much she puts in, she would stay stick thin. So if weight is a problem, it wld be underweight.haahha ..in singapore, she never had friends who were concerned about their weight ..its like being here in melbourne all her friends are weight conscious. haha well coz its so much easier to become fat here then in singapore and also becoz what people don't say or tell her doesn't mean they are not thinking about it ' in other words ' what you don't see doesn't mean its not there' . i read a survey in the papers a few years back, the survey found that the most common and highest worry on people's minds every single day is their weight. Well if you dont belong to this group it probably means you're not being surveyed lor wahaha.
My other friend Z is a very pretty, sweet, slim girl. I mean many girls would kill to look like her .hahaah not me lar wahah. i wont murder, its a sin wahaha. Furthermore she got a very nice personality and character. Not proud at all about her looks, achievements etc. So there, guys don't even think about it, shes taken. haha ..
Well why did i mention about Z ? Because even Z is very concerned about her weight. I feel most people are concerned about their weight, no matter how slim, stick thin, fat, obese they are.

The stick thin ones may wish they had a lower metabolism ,their food stays in and not come out in their anus in a straight path all the time (well i noe people like that !) or wish their food goes to the right places (my bro is stick thin and he wishes all the time tt all that junk he eats don't become fats on his tummy)
The happy and satisfied stick thin ones would just be happy they can be thin even if they eat so much junk..
The risk for anorexia or eating problem stick thin ones would wish they were thinner and have the mentality that the only reason they are stick thin is because they don't eat much in the first place. Common things to hear them say are " i don't eat this, i don't eat that, i don't like this, i don't like that' "im full" when their drooling eyes already gave them away.

OKie before i go on to the other group of people, pls pls dont take my word for it hahaha..u noe blogging represents my thoughts and not what i want people to think of me. i mean i don't go to the extent that i would be at risk of being hauled to Court coz i am not racist..so..if u are offended by what im saying then stop reading lor! its so simple right ..hahaha

The neither thin nor 'think they are fat' people are a rare breed. haha most of the time i am in this group until i came melbourne. People in this group come and go...thoughts like i shouldn't snack or eat so much junk or i should maintain this level of junk (which is me) so i stay at this weight and not become obese.
The thin or average but always think they are fat people ..well nothing to explain here. hahaha the description speaks for itself. These people are influenced by magazines, tv, hollywood, materialistic and vain colleagues or by bad boyfriends forever telling them they are fat. So sad to have such boyfriends ..haiz thank God tristan is never like that.
The thin or average person with big fat hips, face, arms, tummy or thighs are always plague by thoughts of why their food all goes to the wrong places. I am in this category also so is Z. Me and Z hate it when it all goes to our faces. haiz. the first thing my roomie tell me in NUS after the weekend at home is > " estee what did u eat again" .because its all reflected all over my face. But then again this category don't make logical sense because if u think about it, where is ever the right place for the fat to go?!!
i don't have much theory for the bigger people. Well they can be caught in a vicious cycle of eating, losing, eating, losing. Or they can be just happy about themselves being the way they are. One thing i noticed about such people is that they are one very happy go lucky ones...

Hahah okie to reflect upon what the word of God says ...

1 corinthians 6:19-20 says " Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy spirit, who is in you, whom you have recieved from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body."

Luke 4:4 says "....man shall not live by bread alone but by every word of God."

Well the word of God is the truth and light to any situation...weighty issues? Seek God !

Pictures at Kailee, Xiaowei and Xiuhua home..gathering for cook out!!

2006-05-17T17:58:00.000+10:00

Meal preparation can be FUN !!!! hahahaahah ..look at lowena's butt...haiyo...tsk tsk ....

CS and Jingle plucking my white hair..haha cutting hair here is more than $50 !! Can you imagine hair coloring ?!!! hahaah

from left > Joelle, lowena, xiuhua, CS, me, kailee, Xiaowei, Jingle

The food ! Butter garlic prawns, chicken cutlet, oyako don (egg, onion,pork the shiokest !), vegetables.

Hair raising experience..

2006-05-17T07:31:00.000+10:00

i have been seriously lacking in sleep the past few days. Usually i go to bed at 2am but past two days i slept at 4am and wake up at about 10am. I feel tired in the early afternoon but i cant take naps. Its just this whole mentality of ' its such a waste of time' that makes me cant go to sleep in the afternoon unless its exams time hahaa. Then i wld take a power nap of 20mins or so. Its 7am now and i slept at 330am a few hrs ago and i did not wake up by alarm. Haiz..actually i am staying over at xiaowei, kaili and xiuhua's house. Only kaili is in the house as the rest went to the city to stay over as they have a conference to attend early this morning. I stayed becoz i felt kaili would be scared to be alone in this relatively big place. Also we had a gathering last night, 8 of us having a cook out. Joelle cooked the butter prawns, XIaowei cooked a meat plus egg plus onion dish similar to the oyako don. We also had vegetables and chicken cutlet with rice. Would post up a pic when i have uploaded e pictures. Anyway i woke up at 5am in the night because it was so hot! Big mistake to switch on the heater and put on 3 blankets on xiuhua's bed. I had to wake up in sweat and switch the heater off. Still feeling hot, it took me quite a while to go back to semi sleep. Arghh..then something else had to happen. 1 hour later, in my semi slumber, i had a nightmare. Actually i don't know if I can call it a nightmare becoz it seemed like it was 'physically' happening. I 'dreamt' that somebody came into the room , the floor creaked (the floors creak in their place all the time when people walk over any area except the kitchen) and there was this wind that i felt on my exposed skin. Then i remembered how i thought it was kaili and attempted to say out her name asking if it was her. But nothing could come out of my mouth. I kept attempting to call out but to no avail. Then i got frightened becoz i felt that 'somebody' was about to 'crawl' into bed with me. and i knew kaili would never do that. Arghhhh...just saying this makes me scared. Then i managed to 'break free' and turn and awake! But all the long i wasnt really sleeping. This is my first such encounter since i came to melbourne and its seriously discouraging me from accompanying kaili further in this house. The other gurls would only be back on friday. What can i do ? If i tell her, she would get frighten also..bad idea. Thats why im trying to let it out here. Time to pray.

This reminds me of the time when i asked Tristan whether christians believe in 'ghosts' . Then he said christians tend to use the word 'spirit' .The holy spirit is a spirit too. Then i thought how stoopid my question sounded. I remembered how people were demon possessed and the spirits were cast out in Jesus name in church. The spiritual realm is so puzzling. Why does it exist? Don't people either go to heaven or hell after they pass on ? Can someone enlighten me on this? Im so ignorant. A christian for some time and it never crossed my mind that i didn't know.

I remember when i was young, i was sort of 'possessed' by a bad spirit. At least that was what i was 'diagnosed ' with to explain all the terrible nightmares and sleepwalking i had. Not just normal nightmares, even when i woke up, i would keep crying because its still happening when im awake and my mom is beside me. My mom then brought me to a 'tiao4 dang2' who seemed like a possessed man. Possessed by the 'monkey king or god?' He made me drink some ' potion' and i had to wear a 'ba1 gua4' on my neck after that. After that my nightmares went away and sleepwalking stopped. But if u let me choose, i would happily choose spirits to be cast out in Jesus name than in the name of some other 'God' among the whole multitude of Gods i 'knew' and yet not know while growing up. At least i know Jesus is a GOOD god. There are good or bad people so there should be good or bad God ..well i cant say which Gods are bad because i don't study into them so its very unfair and insensitive to comment. But one thing i do know is that from personal experience and the testimonies of so many many people, JESUS is a GOOD GOD all the time! In Jesus Name, I cast out the evil spirit !

Day out with charmaine...

2006-05-16T18:51:00.000+10:00

Went smith street to shop ..hehe bought 100 worth of nike stuff ...1 pair of shoes, 2 tshirts for bro, 2 pants and 1 shorts for myself..all sponsored my sistor!!! got mother's day discount and further discount coz i know one of the store employees....cool! then we both just sat the tram and anyhow stop when we see this sign ...looks nice so we went in to try !

me and charmaine having lunch ! background too bright so cant see us ..the calamari is so horrible. Not nice at all and its 7 rings for $13 !! siao...the pasta was good. the cream pastas here r so shiok!

this is a sign board in Max Bruenner..heard spore also got but compare to the ones in melbourne, the spore one sucks hahaha . the chocolate desserts here r so heavenly !!! these are just two of the many choices! each for about $5. Eliza i would surely bring you here manz..hahah..the white cup like looking thing r used to contain their coffee beverages..so unique ! We had the waffle with banana and chocolate. The other one in front of me is a kind of chocolate cake cum bread with a chocolate dip! Beats haagen daz fondue anytime!

Dedicated to tristan....

2006-05-16T03:07:00.000+10:00

Dedicated to my dear TRistan..
From this moment - Shania Twain

I just swear
that i'll always be there
i give anything and everything
and i will always care
through weakness and strength
happiness and sorrow
for better for worse
i will love you
with every bit of my heart

from this moment
life has begun
from this moment
you are the one
right beside you
its where i belong
from this moment on

from this moment
i have been blessed
i live only
for your happiness
and for your love
i give my last breathe
from this moment on ..

i give my hand to you with all my heart
cant wait to live my life with you
cant wait to start
you and i will never be apart
my dreams came true
because of you

from this moment
as long as i live
i will love you
i promise you this
there is nothing
i wouldn't give
from this moment on

you're the reason i believe in love
and you're the answer to my prayers from up above
all we need is just the two of us
my dreams came true
because of you

from this moment
as long as i live
i will love you..
i promise you this
there is nothing i wouldn't give
from this moment

i will love you
as long as i live
from this moment on

I just copied this song from my friend and im so so happy i found this song becoz i always remembered how i used to love it so much . That was when i havent found you dear. I wish you had the tune of this song in your head coz the song is so nice and fully carry what i feel for you ..I know you would surely be reading my blog so i just wanna tell u how much you mean to me. Hee..you say that i seem to be having more fun here than you in singapore, hee..i realli cant deny that i am having a great time here, but not one single minute goes without you in my thoughts. Like this song says , 'you're the answer to my prayers from up above' , i thank God everyday for allowing us to meet in church ...i have always felt our relationship is in God's plan. You walked into church by yourself, i came invited by a friend i hardly knew...
i really feel that i grew so much as a person through you. I feel God is using you everyday to teach me , to mould me. I love you lots dear..not one day in melbourne can go on without your support. Thank you for seeing me through so much ...and for always accepting me...XOXOXO
cant wait to see you in JUNE!!!!

6 qualities of a strong family or any relationship

2006-05-15T09:10:00.000+10:00

This post came a little late. i Saved it as a draft for a pretty long time. hahah ..been out playing more frequently recently. Its a message shared by past mark conner in church svc about 1 week ago.

6 qualities of a strong family - by Pastor Mark Conner

1) Strong committment to each other
Love = committment of promise and vow to each other and not based on a foundation of FEELINGS.
Jesus was COMMITTED to his disciples even when they betrayed or deny Him.

2) Express appreciation to each other
eph 4:29 LET NO CORRUPT WORD PROCEED OUT OF YOUR MOUTH BUT WHAT IS GOOD FOR NECESSARY EDIFICATION, THAT IT MAY iMPART GRACE TO THE HEARERS.
Proverbs 18:21 > The tongue has the power of life and death.

Reflection : Be aware of the things i am saying to others and how nobody is perfect. And not everything that i say or other people say are for necessary edification. To not take others personally becoz i know they didnt mean anything. I love and hate being sensitive. It really works out for both the extreme good and bad for me.

3) Have good communication
James 1:9 Be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to get angry.
Be quick to listen > by listening, we earn the right to be heard
Slow to speak > think before speaking and speak words that produce life. Be open and speak the truth in love.
Slow to get angry > we need to control our anger

Reflections : I have no problems with the first two. But definately, i need to be more patient and be slow to get angry. Actually i don't get angry that easily , but i got something worse is that once i get angry, i find it so hard to get out of it, not to dwell in it. My anger once ignited can spiral into a tornado and make things worse than it should be. The lord says be angry but do not sin ...we should never allow anger get on top of us...
4) Spend alot of time together
Dont be too busy elsewhere and spend LEFTOVER time with our family. It doesnt matter what we do as long as time is spent together
winning isnt everything but losing is also nothing
Reflections : Last week tristan asked me > When are you free to talk to me without any distractions? Well i have definately been too caught up in doing my stuff (theres always work and play and work and play) and forgotten how important it is to spend quality time on the phone with him esp since we dun meet up physically now. What he said was a wakeup call that our relationship is more important than all that. In singapore i always ask him what we are gonna do on sat etc , and he wld have no idea. Becoz to him, it doesnt matter what we do, as long as we r spending time with each other. Haha but end of the day i feel what we do is important also...different kinds of activities help us learn more abt another person in a different way. And Man is realli one complicated being, theres never an end to knowing a person.

5) Able to deal with problems in a positive manner.
INTENSE FELLOWSHIP is common in any relationship (pst mark always says this with the crowd laughing..hmm must be a personal experience of everyone of us)
eph 4:26 > be angry and do not sin, do not let the sun go down on your wrath. ie do not use anger in a destructive manner.
the devil gets a foothold from unresolved conflicts.
It is how we respond to the situation and what we do about it that matters.
anger gets us in trouble but PRIDE KEEPS US IN TROUBLE.
do not let pride destroy the relationship
Paul > clear conscience with God and the people
Do we go to bed angry?
Be first to apologize.
Every conflict takes 2 hands to clap. Both sides are wrong usually.

personal reflections : recently i had this big quarrel with a good friend of mine called S. My habit after a fight with anyone is to avoid the person, not answer calls or replying smses. A bad habit but something i love. I feel i would often say more wrong and hurtful things i don't mean when i continue to talk to the other party of the quarrel. So i can go for days giving the person the cold treatment. haha tristan knows this so well. Actually tristan prefers if i just have time to cool off becoz he noes i say things i dun mean when i am not given time away. I guess thats how guys deal with it so they understand it more. But girls generally like to talk things out. After my quarrel with S, she kept calling and smsing me..which realli irritated me. and things got worse becoz i didnt pick up her calls or reply her sms which left her thinking alot of things. so on my side, i am cooling off and getting better to forgive , but on her side she felt more and more upset. so a small thing spiralled into a tornado. Cost me alot of tears and emotions.
What i learnt from this episode is that i should never assume that other people know or accept my way of dealing with feelings of upset. I should always consider how other people would feel with my total ignorance. i also learnt that i could easily just told S that i needed time to cool down and be alone. She would then understand and not have to guess why im not responding. hahah..
im actually glad we went thru this episode. We know each other more and i think that goes into strengthening any friendship if arguements were resolved constructively.

Photos..

2006-05-14T02:15:00.000+10:00

taken at KOKO BlACK at lygon street. This is called belgian platter or sth. Nanyen also got hot chocolate which is simply the divinest. Thank God for chocolates. hahaha

this is lucy one of my group project mates. A very nice easy going australian..our satisfied faces after our presentation ..

this pic is so small coz its from xiuhua's camera. Hee..this is lowena and xiuhua beside me. We are in Jingle's hostel common kitchen having our lunch of bread, fish, nuggets and all kinds of spreads. Jingle is such a dear..COOL man ..her fav quote..

this is me and NANYEN ! outside hanafi family's house before cell group or life group as they call it here... their house includes a tennis court, swimming pool etc etc. if anyone saw tristan's hm before, this house is errr 5 times the size? God is a prosperous God.

This is Janon and Philene..hahah trying so hard to make stupid faces. Janon's face is obviously not stupid ..haaha..anyway we have brekkie every morning together at 8am coz we are forced to take this super early bus for our 9am classes. The 830am bus is so squeezy u'll wish you're never born. Honestly, i sat on the floor of the bus with my legs contorted into an indescribable shape once !

I love the Lord so so much

2006-04-30T14:49:00.000+10:00

SIS kless thank you so much for your prayer. I know i can always count on you ..so far yet so near in my heart....
well God indeed answers our prayers.
Yesterday i prayed to God about the situation again. I remember between 4-5pm, i could feel the devil attacking me ! I was at my study table, on the left of my room, the lady was quarelling loudly on the phone and on my right, the guy was as usual starting to play his game with his friend, banging on the walls more than ever. Then here i was with a pile of work.. arghhhh! It all seems small when you hear it, tristan said " its all the little things mah " but to me at that time, i just felt so suppressed by everything. Small rocks make a mountain right? I needed to GET OUT !!!! I decided i needed to let it all out so i headed for the gym for a good workout.

You know God IS EVERYWHERE! As i was on the treadmill, so many thoughts were running through my head to the point that i didnt even focus on whatever i was physically doing. I was having a MENTAL EXERCISE. I blasted hillsongs from my ipod and focused on Jesus and spoke to Him again about everything. I asked Jesus " pls tell me what to do. Shall i move rooms or shall i stay...if you want me to move room, pls let me meet somebody i know when im on the way back to my room. If you think i should not move, let me meet my neighbour " or Jesus, just do it anyway you want. Just tell me what to do. I don't want to decide on my own."

SO there i was perspiring like a dog and talking to God. And no matter how smelly, ugly, Jesus is always listening.
On the way back to my room, I SAW MY NEIGHBOUR !!!!! Nobody can say its a coincidence ....He was standing there w a group of people and they all turned to look at me when i walked up. How about that !!!!
Immediately i knew what i needed to do. I walked straight into my room and started to write a letter ( about having no hard feelings and explaining the situation and why i complained and saying sorry etc) to my neighbour and slotted it under his door and i just felt so peaceful after that. Like a rock has been lifted up from my shoulders.
Since yesterday , my neighbour hasnt disturbed me in any way. Even if he starts doing it again, i wont complain anymore. I would pray . God is bigger than any receptionist !! God's strength is much bigger than what i can do.

I love to be in melbourne! I feel that I have started to totally rely on God like never before. I have never felt so strongly for God in Singapore. I mean praise the Lord for City Harvest Church and everybody i know in SIngapore. But praise God too that i am here. I am here for a purpose and a time such as this. I am here not at a cost, i am here because God wants me to get stronger for Him. In my little sanctuary, i see and feel God. I cry even during online services. God's power extends across all nations, all methods, all people. Just this episode with my neighbour, God is trying to tell me sth. LEAN ONTO ME AND I SHALL LEAN ONTO YOU. DONT TURN YOUR BACK ON ME AND RELY ON YOUR OWN STRENGTH. HAVE FAITH, TRUST, REMEMBER MY GOODNESS, REMEMBER HOW YOU FIRST LOVED ME.
God have to take care of so many people. but He remembers each of us. When we cry out to Him with all of our hearts, He will come....Anybody can say anything, the Da Vinci Code can challenge the basic foundations of christianity, but nobody, and NOBODY can ever challenge the fact that God is real, God is Good. So what if we don't physically see Him? His goodness need not be seen in the physical realm. What is not in the physical cannot be pushed. So our faith being the substance of things unseen cannot be pushed nor wavered. It is in our hearts and our experiences tell us how real God is.

Without fear..

2006-04-29T10:20:00.000+10:00

I am very troubled these days...
My neighbour is giving me alot of headache...
I can hear him playing games, having his friends over, cheering loudly, cursing at past midnight almost every night. In the day time, he blasts his music from 9am onwards.
I have attempted to rationalize, make excuses for him like its friday , its sat, its sun, it a holiday, its still early, i don't have to study, he needs to have fun, i cannot be so petty etc.
I really don't know how much more of this can i take.
I pray everyday about this..
yesterday, at 1am, he started his nonsense, and i mean he started, not ending. So i really couldn't take it and called the reception to complain. When the reception came up to his door, i heard him say " did she complain?" very unhappily. I suddenly felt intense fear. Fear for my security...and i immediately regretted complaining. Because the noise did not go down one bit after the reception told him.
Every minute i worry when is he coming back, when is he having his friends over, is he having a grudge against me?, would he now make more noise to take'revenge'? argh....i really need God !!!!
I want to hear from Him. I want Him to direct my paths, should i change room ? or should i just write a card to him and try to make things right? Which is the right way ? I am confused. And i know only God can show me the way to take...
Why should i be afraid ? God is with me and i will not fear evil. I will not fear the terrors of the night. I will not be afraid of what my neighbour would do to me....
Charmaine told me how she had to change rooms before coz of all the noise from here and there, this place looks good, but the walls are really very thin. We can hear activity from side to side and upstairs and outside. To stay here short term its ok. but in the long term, it can really affect our lives. To make things worse, the management here is so so so so so so so bad. The person taking care of us students just resigned. Her position had been taken by so many different people before. Now what does that show? Charm suggested that i should complain to the GM. Coz it seems only he takes things more seriously. I don't wanna make things difficult ...argh...God open up the doors for me to take and close all the ones i shouldn't.

wives submit to your husbands

2006-04-28T07:41:00.000+10:00

Last night me and dear trist were on the phone...He is very into the elections now and had been telling me stuff tt its not good to say here considering the ' freedom' of speech we enjoy ..well..the main thing is he casually said he wants to be in the opposition team next time. (opps ..can i say that?? ) then i told him don't even think about it..haha so did his mom lor. Then he quoted the bible " wife submit to your husband" , well i was pretty agitated that he used the bible to say that if he chooses to go into politics, then i should just follow and agree with him and in loving kindness hope he change his mind or sth. haha ..well...
today in quiet time..i went to look at the verses..i couldnt find it at first but God is good..i chanced upon it while reading sth else...

Ephesians 5:22-33
Wives submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the savior of the body. Therefore just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her that He might present Himself for her and that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love theur own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of his body, of his flesh and of his bones. "For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." This is a great mystery, but i speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless, let each one of you in particular so love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

the word of God is a powerful weapon, I have learnt over the years that if everybody submit to the word of God, then all of our lives would be so much better, so much smoother. Modernization, new inventions, new ideas, feminism etc all does not shape who we are. We are what Christ says we are. And truly what tristan said reminded me of how i should behave as a woman or as a wife to him next time.
He didnt just mention about the submission, he also did mention about how husbands should love their wives just as Christ also loved the Church...:)
So conclusion of my unstructured entry..
1) Respect my husband just as he is placed as the head of me as Christ is the head of the church
2) Subject to my husband in everything just as the church is subject in christ.
3) I should become holy and without blemish
Me and tristan dear...the man who is a blessing from God, who Christ have always use to shape and mould me to be a better person ...I love you lotz dear...with all of my heart....

parents in melbourne 1

2006-04-26T12:39:00.000+10:00

vietnamese noodles at mekong...

Yummy dimsum at dragonboat
restaurant along chinatown. Better
than crystal jade!

shopping for fruits in queen victoria mkt

nuts and honey galore at QV mkt.

our service apartment...sitting on a
pull out bed...

church camp at dandenong...

2006-04-24T01:27:00.000+10:00

one of our breakfast
items..so cool rite?

charmaine,kunshan
me, florence, Jane,
Annie posing by flo's
cake....

me and annie ...

beautiful butterfly cake ! Shes gonna make it
for a little girl's birthday ....

bbq-ing with a twig...haha
aussie campfire culture...

me and charmaine
holding our 'cooked'
product

kunshan, florence,
wendy and I.....

more photos in melbourne...

2006-04-23T19:38:00.000+10:00

me and philene
the girl living just
above me ..

in the city...

my study table ..hmm..
dun misunderstand.
The chopping board
is not always there ...:p

big cooking wok in the
background! frying rice..
probably afraid tmr the
famine wld begin..hehe

eating pancakes at the pancake parlour..
having iceballs
in school..

feeling faint

2006-04-22T20:07:00.000+10:00

feeling faint today....
charmaine and i attempted to cook japanese rice which turned out really sticky.haha now we know why the instructions recommended that we should add vinegar to the rice coz the rice is tasteless w/o it! haha ..i bet some people don't know that our normal jasmine rice actually had some taste. You would after eating plain japanese rice. hehe..i had to add soya sauce into it. I realised she's a very meticulous girl. She cared for her pots and pans like they are her babies coz she wanted to make sure none of the non stick material didnt come off. I always tot we could just wash rice in the rice pot coz my family did that all our lives. Today i learnt that the rice would actually slowly scrap the non stick material off. Cool .....a new thing learnt everyday ....We cooked teriyaki chicken and egg with vegetable. Charmaine was wondering how come i so slow (in pouring out the food from the pan etc) ..i realised i was feeling hypoglycaemic. Then she was really nice..she offered her essence of chicken (which i strongly refused coz it was expensive so i felt she should keep it for herself and i also dun particularly like it) then she cooked some sort of herbal drink for me. So nice...its really nice to have
friends who care ...
Im still feeling light headed and hungry..when i just had dinner 1hr ago. My body is nutz....

Pictures in Melbourne....

2006-04-22T17:04:00.000+10:00

just feeling bored so upload photos ! hee

2006-04-21T20:39:00.000+10:00

such a cute dog! I want this dog when i have my own home next time ...

me and my cherry dessert...any guesses why im putting on the pounds??! haha

taken at a super cool dessert shop along lygon st..called brunnetti. These are whole cakes. They also have shelves of the mini versions and cookies..Love the place!

beer bottle holder..hehe so cute hor..at queen victoria market ..

the day i cut my head ..sob

2006-04-21T11:43:00.000+10:00

last night was the worse for me since i was in melbourne, in an innocent attempt to readjust my sleeping position, i hit my head against the edge of the table and sustained a 1cm cut. Not a very big cut but the pain was so bad. I didnt wake up to see it as i tot its probably just a blue black ..i tot the water i felt was probably the tears from the pain.but i decided to just wake up and take a look on instinct. Then i saw the bleeding cut. Oh manz. it was so so painful. Did you know that our face has one of the most nerve endings in our entire body? Well that probably explains why a small cut can cause such intense pain. anyway that is not the scariest bit. After seeing the cut, i broke out into cold sweat and started to feel nauseous and had intense stomach pains. I started to think thoughts like 'oh no the cut probably damaged an impt nerve thats why i feel sick and now im gonna collapse and die' ' i better run to my neighbour and tell them to call an ambulance before i collapse in my room and nobody knows ..' ' so this is how my patients feel..' ' im never gonna eat my whole life..the feeling of nausea is too horrid ' ..so many thoughts were running through my head..hahaha all the silly silly thoughts. probably an occupational hazard.
I realised from this episode that i am really quite blessed in terms of health. I have never been hospitalized nor have had any major ailments. The worse i can think of is a severe bout of food poisoning which caused vomit to come out of my nostrils, mouth and anus. hahahaa.
anyway i called tristan during that episode. it was about 2am and boy was i glad that he picked up. One thing i am assured of , i could almost always find him when i need to no matter what time of the day. Woken up in the middle of his sleep, he spoke like the most assuring daddy ..i felt so much better after that. no wonder they say most illnesses are psychosomatic. I realised how important emotional and psychological support is during times of distress. The most amazing thing is he told he that he couldn't sleep that night and was wondering why. Then he said its probably coz he knew sth was gonna happen to me .wahah telepathy...
All that nausea and abdominal pain was probably not directly linked to my head injury..its probably part of an anxiety attack. The feeling that i am all alone in my room with this bleeding wound in the middle of the night was scary...hee im ok now. the clotted wound is still painful but im ok..its good to be in distress once in a while, then we realise how blessed we really are...

the day i realise i am becoming fat

2006-04-21T00:50:00.000+10:00

haha wat a title huh...well i am putting on weight pretty fast here lar. sedentary lifestyle, the pantry right next to my stressful study table..u noe ..hahahaha. but i am still not gonna exercise or eat less..too much work. i rather sit and stone for my next assignment or talk to my friends or go out. life is too short to worry about weight. just dun get obese and have to go on biggest loser can liao...
currently i am reading a book from charmaine called 'every woman's battle' ..it talks about a woman's sexual integrity. We are not just talking about the physical sense, for women alot stems from the emotional aspects. here is an excerpt from the book ..
' men and women struggle in different ways when it comes to sexual integrity. While a man's battle begins with what he takes through his eyes, a woman's begins with her heart and her thoughts. A man must guard his eyes to maintain sexual integrity, but because God made women emotionally and mentally stimulated, we must closely guard our hearts and minds as well as our bodies if we want to experience God's plan for sexual and emotional fulfillment. A woman's battle is for sexual and emotional integrity '
Cool huh..this book by Shannon Ethridge has gaven me many new insights into being a woman. many examples are quoted in the book from real people ..people who compare their spouses with other men, women who have affairs with other men in their MIND AND THOUGHTS . wow i really got a shocker there. I never knew affairs can be of the mind...i bet many women out there did not know too...theres always new things to learn ...

first entry in Melbourne!!!

2006-04-20T16:13:00.000+10:00

my parents w me in melbourne..sitting on the giant coin purse.haha..

Hello guys ! its been such a long long long time since i blogged. I was very touched to learn from sis klessis that she still always click into my blog to check for any new entry. Hee i promised her i would write again. Sis klessis just gave birth! I havent seen here baby joey yet but i am so so sure shes gonna be a very pretty and adorable baby just like her mommmy. I miss u sis klessis. Miss talking to u on MSN. Must be so busy taking care of little joey .Hee ..I havent seen her picture !!!! Must show me!

This week is easter holiday break. My parents came to visit me in melbourne and i brought them around. Went to many places which i myself have not gone. (Been to the city less than 5 times before they came because of laziness and school work haha)
Anyway, now i feel confident to bring people around the good places in melbourne liao> St Kilda, Queen Victoria Market, Crown Casino and entertainment and lots of italian food and dessert at lygon st and city shopping... Had alot of seafood as my parents believed the seafood is fresher over here. And hence i also had a breakout of itchy skin , rashes and eczema . I itched so so so badly that i was bending down to scratch even while a salesgirl was talking to me. Oh man i wish there was a photo of that haha. I was a drug addict for a while ..being reliant on anti histamines to take away the itch ( which it didnt realli do except make me sleepy..does tt sound like an addict or wat ?!) anyway the itch is not totally linked to seafood, it could have been due to the dry weather ( melbourne's weather is so unpredictable, 4 seasons in a day..or even 2 seasons concurrently at the same time > hot like fire sun plus freezing cold wind) or it could be due to the large intakes of chocolate (it used to be causing me eczema in spore n the doctor told me to stop taking chocolates and nuts for a few months which caused the eczema to go away ) ...well..being a student under stress , chocolates r one of my escape from the craziness. besides tv , friends and church.
Oh yah i got a new camera from tristan ! I lost my old one which was also given by him when i went for a tour in phillip island. so sad..i cried over my lost camera like i lost a loved one. Tristan wrote in his letter
" i really debated vert long as to buy it or not...then i decided that if there are things i cant give you, for example a hug when you are cold ....then i will give you the things i can, if i means i can see your smile all the way in singapore.."
I was realli touched. Because i know although he could afford it, he is a person who is by nature thrifty. He goes from shop to shop just to find the lowest price for the same thing ..i remember how we went to sim lim square to find a router ..n we walked so many stores n they all had the same price ! But he still wont give up ..in the end we realli found one with a lower price. haha .(reminds me of myself when i visit different supermarkets or market stores when doing my weekly grocery shopping)
so for him to spend another few hundred buying a 2nd camera for me, it must be a big sacrifice. Arghh..i am one careless person...
u noe i got lots to say ..since ive been here for quite some time ...but i gota go now..hahahah next time then say..
anyway to my friends in spore im doing great! surprisingly not home sick ..but of coz missing everybody and everything in singapore !!! hahaahha...

happy and nice - inspiration from tris

2005-12-17T04:33:00.000+11:00

haha tristan just said something that i think sounds really cool and meaningful.

when u love someone you want the person to be happy
so when i'm nice(happy), i would know he's happy
so when i'm not nice(unhappy), he makes me happy

HAPPY and sad

2005-12-17T04:04:00.000+11:00

this picture was taken on the day of Victor and Yvonne's matrimony! Tristan kicked soccer till he's charcoal black and peeling. It was a truly happy day for these 2 very influential friends. Yvonne the most positive and empathetic girl i know and victor, the most intelligent guy i know. Everybody's getting married and pregnant. This reminds me of a very sad incident for me. Its about a colleague. She just gave birth recently and her baby have some lung problems. (Pulmonary atresia). She used to be such a happy girl. Everytime i see her, she's not like any pregnant ladies i know. She always smiling and bubbly and best of all she still looked great while being pregnant. Lots of women get grouchy and frumpy while pregnant, not that they can be blamed, its part of the hormonal changes. Guys have all the comfort.hehe. Anyway that is besides the point. After my colleague realised her baby not too well, she refused visitors. I happened to see her one day in the neonatal ICU staring into the depths of the floor while holding a milk bottle. Her hubby just looking longingly at her. At that moment i just felt so so sad. With expectations comes disappointment. We expect a normal healthy baby when all the screenings didnt show any abnormality, but when it turns out otherwise, disappointment is great. Life is precious. I am always afraid of my loved ones suddenly passing away. I always imagine the worse of any situation and cringe at the thought of it. (like when im in a car, i'll imagine the lorry ahead toppling over us)

God is good all the time

2005-12-10T00:10:00.000+11:00

hello guys, its been a long long time since i blogged! Anybody missed me? haha...bet not, people whom i never knew would read my blog had ask me why i stopped writing..aiyah compared to the blogs of ST journalist Janice Wong or that wendy ger, my blog is like water vs coke.
Im going off to melbourne to do my post registered degree in nursing sponsored by the national healthcare group in feb after chinese new year and before my birthday and valentine's day. Not tt my birthday or valentine's day r that important but i do wish i could spend more time with my loved ones here on more special days. But its okie. It has always been my dream to be a scholar. Only after knowing God, had my greatest dreams been brought to pass. Im really not an intellectual by nature. Im forgetful and hence i need to go thru things repetitively before i remember them. But God has been so good to me. He made me succeed in my studies and pass tests with flying colors even when i thought i could have failed. God is really good all the time. And yet i have the tendency lately to forget that. haha but all things are in the progress of working out..i cant go on coz the people with bro vic's wedding decorations are here already ! Im in church! continue next time....

27th JULY 2005

2005-07-28T15:30:00.000+10:00

its a wednesday nite . I just got home from tuitioning my nephew. Its been quite a challenge finding the right time to tution him. Im doing this becoz firstly i know in the family only i can help him in science esp since my sis pulled him out from learning science in 'learning lab' and 2ndly i feel that i Should help my sis who has always been sowing into my life. However as i only know my working schedule one week in advance of every new week, its been quite a headache finding a tution time tt fits my nephew (who's so busy for a 8yr old) and myself every week. Furthermore my sis lives in an 'only cars can access' place and i dun drive! i really wanna help him but im feeling quite burdened by it lately. And i had to miss bible study today to squeeze his free time into mine which is not a free time in the first place. God give me wisdom and strength.

Im feeling low on strength. My mind seems to always wanna go into 'sleep' mode everytime im not standing. It seems like any amt of sleep nowadays is insufficient. this really boggles my mind coz i never used to take naps at all. Hahah i used to think they r such a big waste of time. But last sunday i actually took 2 naps in one afternoon!! argghh..the only time i awoke was to eat before, in between and after each nap... and i dun even feel like ive done anything tt could have accounted for my tiredness...

Oh yeah !! I forgot to mention ..I finally finally graduated !! hehehe ..im so so happy and sad too. Sad tt im leaving so many teachers whom im close to and yet happy tt its like a close of a chapter of my life. Time to move on. Its been a pretty successful 3 yrs in NYP. But i'll always remember what Pastor Kong says. That we should never be stuck in our past successes. Sis Kless also preached in cgm about how our past experiences can be hindrances to us walking in the purpose and calling that God has placed in each of us. So really, its time to move on and im really happy for that. Time to start anew and show and experience God afresh in my life.

One person i really wanna thank ..

SIS KLESS >> Thank YOu so so so so so very much for making it for my graduation !!! I am really touched by your determination to come despite all my nonsense of trying to prevent u frm attending ..hehehe ...I was so happy to see u !! U made the effort to go for all of our graduations ! Its really not easy for u to take 2hr leave or half day leave with all the work u have to do but u still did it. Thanks alot..no words can describe my gratitude to u . Its a once in a lifetime thing for me and u made it once in a lifetime special for me.. :)

relaxed sunday !

2005-07-24T14:06:00.000+10:00

its been some time since i blogged. :) i realised my blog page looks so boring ..i dunno how to upload pictures or put in music or blahblahblah..theres so much i can do but yet i do not know how..haha im born with a different gift..maybe people like meiling and annie can help me on this.

Anyway, its a sunday and i feel really good. Good because it feels like the only day this week i get to stay home and do anything i wanna do (read harry potter, upload pictures from my digi cam, sleep, eat junk, read up on notes from my ICU training and of coz pray anytime i want). But im also wishing tt i had a fren to bring to svc today. All of the people i asked cant make it and im so so sure anyone could gain from the msg. The msg is fantastic. Pastor kong mentioned my fav quote " success is not what we do compared to others, it is wat we do compared to what we could have done" . Pastor Kong said this some yrs back and this weekend he said something similar to it again. I always lived by this quote since my NYP days. Now in ICU, i also constantly remind myself tt i shld do my best to learn, work and build good friendships in tt place.
Next week is gonna be a tougher week at work, 6days out of 7 i'll be working including sat and sunday but its ok because we are created for Work and furthermore nursing is my passion so i should look forward to going to work hahaha ..only tues is off for me as im having graduation tt day . My teacher is so nice, she helped me get 2 extra tickets so tt both my parents and tristan could attend. Im finally graduating ! Time to soar to greater heights elsewhere. Time for God to use me elsewhere....

working in CCU..

2005-06-30T10:24:00.000+10:00

recieved good news that i can be posted to NUH CCU (critical care unit) as requested ! I have always felt that working in ICU would be very challenging, and becoz im not sure of my practical competency, the more i wanted to work there to challenge my mind and capacity. I also noe a few people there like joey ( who's like a genuinely caring big sistor to me) , venetia, fiona (whos doing her adv diploma in ICU) and darren (my sec schmate). I believe that i can learn many new things from them !
My graduation is on the 26th july 10am ! Pretty disappointed with the timing and day which is when most people i noe are working and cant attend to share my Joy. Im gonna be getting the MOH gold medal award that day along with my diploma with merit. Getting the award is certainly a big joy for me and my family (esp my mom). The award is a good reflection of the powerful impact that God has in my life since i came to know him. But along with this award also come feelings of apprehension. I am worried that i cannot perform up to expectations in NUH. This reminds me of what sis kless preached during CGM. About how we believe and yet have a level of doubt. I believe that without God i would not have done so well in school ( because alot of things is not just about hard work, its also about the circumstances tt day, whether watever i have learnt would be recalled, whether questions turn out the way i can answer etc) and by the Grace of God, i could do relatively well thou i put in less work during my 2nd and 3rd years. So i shld not doubt that God will come true for me this time.
For all my 3 years in school, i have never once compared myself to my friends or classmates. I have always worked up to my maximum capacity and then i'll be happy. i agree tt Competition may spur people to work harder, but i feel that competing with myself (my limits and abilities) helps me to do better than if i worked for the sake of winning others. Alot of people i know worked on this ' winning others ' mentality and i dun deny that when i was in secondary school i also had this mentality. all these changed when i came to know Jesus. He changed my mentality and helped me expand my capacity in my studies, ccas etc. To see the big picture and have the spirit of excellence in everything i purpose to do. Im prepared for a few stumbles and blurness when i join CCU, but im not afraid. Im only afraid that if i stumble i do not get up....
My biggest hope is that i would bring more people to God. A new environment means more lives to impact and change ! I pray that there wld never be a time when people wld say " she this kind of pattern where will attract us to go church ". I pray always for a heart of humility, patience, compassion and love for the people around me. Knowledge WILL NOT puff up for me ! hehee

are our inner man lost?

2005-06-21T03:30:00.000+10:00

Im sure many of us occasionally feel like we have to LOOK like we are strong, happy and confident on the exterior to make up for what we are not on the inside or to please the people around us. And realistically speaking, looking a certain way does win us some relationships or friendships. But if our inner man is destroyed and lost, so what if we gained the whole world...

1 corinthians 9: 22 >> to the weak I became as weak, that I might win the weak. I have become all things to all men, that I might by all means save some.

God deals with our weaknesses by putting us in uncomfortable or frustrating situations. So that we may become overcomers of these weaknesses. Don't despise our weaknesses ! USe them! Learn about them and learn how to deal with them with the word of God.Dont be afraid to share weaknesses with others. use our overcoming experience to reach out to the lost. To reach out to the weak. isnt that our main purpose? dont be afraid to share our weaknesses with others because its not for ourselves ( i want people to like me, i want people to praise me for my good works, i want to be a leader... I I I I I ) . Its not about ourselves! I often question myself, is my life about myself or about God?

>> to everyone who reads this, God is really a good God. Some may ask, is He? then why did He allow me to have a big butt (just an example hor :P) ? Why did He put me in this situation ? Why did He not give me the man/woman i desire?
because the man/woman is not meant for us. Because he wants us to learn that true beauty lies in the inner man. Because this situation is good for you. it is part of God's plan for your life. Plans not to harm you but to exhalt you and bring u to the destiny He has prepared for u.

One example of how inner beauty is indeed the truest beauty is from me and tristan
hahaha..i admit i can be a monster at times and a true angel at other times. Tristan have seen it all hahah. and i realised that even thou i can put on alot of make up and look fantastic but to Him i am still not as beautiful as when im really nice to him. How do i noe tt he thinks im more beautiful when im beautiful in the heart? From his expression. From his eyes.
Another example is SIS Yvonne .
She is a true beauty !!!the more i got to know her, the more beautiful she got. Her sincere Love for me and for the people around her just shines forth ! i cant explain it. I really cant. Get to know her and u'll know what im talking about ! Shes my role model in the love arena. She loves her neighbour not as herself but more than herself.

a week of vision and purpose

2005-06-18T05:00:00.000+10:00

im late in updating my blog !
It has been a week filled with renewed visions and dreams. Thank God and Sis klessis for stirring up my faith.
Sis Klessis, thank you for being the sheperd of my life. In many ways, you have gone beyond your call of duty because of your love for us and for me. I realised one thing when u shared about how u couldnt tell pastor who loved you in the cellgroup, a person cannot feel loved just because we quietly do so , but we have to demonstrate our love for them through our acts of kindness and words in season. Just like when we reach out to our friends, we have to show them our love through our actions.
Pastor Sun, Pastor Kong, Pastor Lillian, Brother Victor, Sistor Yvonne, Sis Klessis, Brother Isaiah are leaders i know and respect who have been examples of what Love means. These people are reflections of the verse i often love >>1st Corinthians 13:4-7>> Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
sis kless thanks for reminding us that we should never be harsh when we minister or counsel. SInce i entered polytechnic, i have grown to be a very direct person. Someone who can be too direct and blunt at times. Someone who can just shoot my mouth off without thinking of how my words may hurt people. Thank God i didnt realise this character flaw too late. I realised that the same things may be said with more power and impact if i speak sincerely, with a heart of humility and with a gentle tone, not to put anyone down but to want to bring them up. 2nd timothy 2: 24-26 : And a servant of the Lord must not quarrel but be gentle to all, able to teach, patient, in humility correcting those who are in opposition, if God perhaps will grant them repentance, so that they may know the truth, and that they may come to their senses and escape the snare of the devil, having been taken captive by him to do his will. This has been the way my leaders have been correcting me and i am thankful because their gentle counsel brought me up from my valleys and brought me to where i am today.
Of coz different leaders have different approaches. Some are gentle, some are harsh at appropriate times. But at all times, whether my leaders are gentle or harsh, i must be submissive to my leaders with Godly fear. I learnt this lesson the difficult way. Haa, before sis klessis, n252 was taken by sis selena for a few months. Sis Selena truly has been sent by God into my life for a purpose. When she was my leader, i couldn't deal well with her harshness and style of leadership. I felt oppressed in every way and condemned. Let me now dwell more about what i learnt from sis selena
condemnation arises from our own pride and low self esteem. Jesus did not come to condemn. I realised that i chose to feel condemned. Nobody made me feel this way. Self esteem is very important. i did not know then who i am in God and where i am going. I was not secure in his love.
everyone of us is here on earth to bring different types of people to the kingdom of God. Sis selena is a light to many many lost rebellious young teens. Teens who have a difficult past, teens with little hope for the future. Her Hipness and ability to click and joke with them at their level makes her the connecting vessel between them and God.
Humility. I regret to say that due to my own childishness, sis selena even apologized to me for how i felt. I was having my outburst and there she was with all humility saying sorry to something she didnt mean to do or didnt do at all. I failed to see that behind that strong voice, here is a woman who truly loves God and love her sheep and love me. Who has sacrificed all of her time and energy to do the works of the Lord. I have sinned against God and against this woman of God by my words and actions. I grieved the Holy Spirit. Be angry but do not SIN god reminded me after the episode. I was angry and i failed to have self control over my emotions. I learned the importance of guarding my heart. Having control over my thoughts and emotions. If i cant control them, then satan can easily plant thoughts to distract me frm the destiny and vision God has planted in me.
Everything we go through in life has a purpose. Every good thing or bad thing that we experience is good for us. I am not proud of this episode but i am glad i went through it. Lets use every experience we go through to minister to others. God did not allow us to go through them without reason, He wants us to use his teachings in our problems and turn them around for good and use what we learn to help others who may go through the same thing. How can we be relevant to the unchurched if we do not have problems. The difference between us and them is that we have God. We have the solution but they dont. I want to bring solutions to them and i believe with all of my heart that i can be a vessel for God.
I had a revelation from romans 6.19. Obey the calling of God and many will be brought to righteousness. When Pastor asked me 1 year back about whether i want to be a leader, i told her not yet. Since that day, i have actually quietly regretted what i said. i felt incompetent in the word of God and in my character and capacity to be a leader. I always had the fear of failure. Fear of misguiding people. Fear of being a bad example. fear of hearing people say " huh, shes a leader from CHC? " u mean a leader is like that? "And i have so many character flaws like not being able to remember names well, not able to quote verses off hand, impatient at times etc. But i know that God is not interested in all these. God just wants a willing heart. God can turn my weaknesses into strengths. I made a vow to God 2days ago abt sth. And i wld be sure to keep to it.
Here i am Lord, use me ...

back from china after 17days!

2005-06-13T01:39:00.000+10:00

im finally back from china! and i realli do miss so many people while i was there ! so many thoughts and experiences to share ...

about china ..
i went many places
huangshan where i almost died climbing up
the great wall of china >> which i almost died of fright climbing down ( i realised im abit phobic of heights after climbing all these mountains ! no more mountains for me except bukit timah hill ..wahahah)
gu lang yu in xiamen
beijing >> which i realli realli dislike due to several substantial reasons (people, food, toilets, sights)
fuzhou >> the food is so so so good !!! and my friend's family are so so very nice ..beyond my imagination.
Zhangzhou >> a village by the min jiang. stayed in my friend's home by their fish, prawn, clams farm.

i feel very blessed to be able to travel to so many places based on singapore $1000. This includes my air ticket to beijing on a 5 day tour, 2 overnight train rides to and from Huangshan, 2 coach rides, 17days of food and accomodation and shopping ! It was a challenge to stay within the budget and im so proud to say tt i did it!! Friends..hehehe tt means do not expect fantastic souvenirs..kekeke...

To my dear tristan
thank you so much for standing in the gap with my mom. I cant communicate my gratitude as well verbally as i can do it here. My sistor say u very on and i agree ...I remember how u will used to feel awkward sitting in with my big family, it seems like tt has changed ! My family is really impressed that u sacrificed time after work and church to rush and see my mom in the hospital and at my home. U didnt have the convenience of the car and still you did it. It was a sacrifice well worth it becoz through your actions my mom can sense how u really do care for her. Thanks for loving the ger and loving the people around her ( hahaha trying to translate ai wu ji wu)
Thank you dear for always being thoughtful. After im back from china then i realised tt u were troubled by some things while i was away. I know u didnt tell me then because u didnt wanna make me worried. Dear, sometimes i feel helpless because u r so much better with the word of God than i am. Such tt it seems u always help me more with my problems than i do with yours. The only consolation i have now is tt i can pray to God to help you through the trials you r facing. And i know tt u r one of the few whom sincerely love the Lord with all your heart. Jesus loves you and I love you too :)
To sis klessis
Thank you so much for caring for my mom and my family in general. My mom knows you bought the fish essence and appreciates it. My brother even said today that you are such a nice girl . hahaha you and tristan make me feel like im not doing enough ah ...heheehehe...
. I read your blog and caught up on all that i missed the past few days im away. So many thoughts and so many things i learned ! Your blog is such an inspiration to me. Whether it is a troubled or happy entry, i always learn sth from it. Sis klessis, i really appreciate all that you DO or even NOT DO for me. You always noe the balance to strike such that i would grow in my walk with God and as a person. God must really love me for giving me such a self sacrificing, humble, confident, eloquent, sincere, appreciative, discerning and patient leader.

To Meiling
Thanks for sharing your heartache with me through the sms. You didnt share the exact problem but i noe thats not important. Whats important is that i was given the chance to feel what you feel and the chance to include you in my prayers while im away. All of us are shaped by different life experiences, different and varying degrees of hurts and disappointments and tts why we speak and behave as we do now. Honestly, I used to struggle with understanding you. I felt i only knew u on the surface. that time I often prayed to God to help me love you as he love me and to bond us together. And truly God answered my prayers. I had a breakthrough in thinking. I was finally able to look beyond whats right in front of me to whats behind and all around you. I have been such a self centered person, so full of pride. And im glad God rebuked me and taught me how to love and accept and understand others. I really do appreciate God for sending you into my life. People wants to know you more and more. Isnt that Good??? hehehe...it shows that you're worth the time and effort. You're a great friend to me and tristan :)

an interview for Dr Tay Eng Soon Gold medallion award

2005-05-26T05:11:00.000+10:00

Yesterday when i recieved the call from my teacher informing me of the interview for the Dr Tay Eng Soon award. I felt both joy and fear .Joy that i am chosen to represent my nursing cohort to compete with 2 other top students from their cohort for this Gold medal and fear of failure. But thank you Lord for reminding me of your promises. Your word in hebrews 10:35 > therefore do not cast away your confidence which has great reward" kept ringing in my ears from yesterday till this morning ! thats why i totally love the word of God, it always gets me past any situation!
Im also very touched by my dear Sistor eliza! We were discussing about how to answer certain common questions for the interview. Thou its her time to relax and watch tv, she still sacrificed it to help me. I feel that she's always with me in my joy and stresses. She also quickly dug up a very nice suit for me to wear to the interview and even found a pair of black shoes (which i tot i lost long time ago ) for me to go with the suit ! I looked so smart this morning that my director was impressed and happy. This is sth i learnt from my sistor. To dress appropriately as a form of respect to the people we are meeting. When tristan came to my home at 10plus, Eliza also made sure the food was warmed up for him to eat and even asked my aunt to cook an egg for him. ( she knew he hadnt ate) . We both agreeed that she is very nice ! Im very thankful for her (and also thankful her nagging has decreased alot ...izzit coz im neater areidi?!! hahaahah)
I prayed to God for wisdom and discernment. Wisdom to say the right things and discernment to know what each interviewer expects from me when they ask provoking questions. And sure enough, the panel of interviewers (registrars, professors, directors ) asked many many questions that really needed me to think and dig and speak right from my heart ! I felt the holy spirit guiding me in my answers such that i was able to speak with boldness, confidence, assertiveness and full of passion. I never spoke with so much passion before, not even for my overseas scholarship interview. For a few 'dangerous' questions, i felt the Holy spirit prompting me to answer them in a certain way! Its so amazing because in the split seconds of comtemplating how to answer, the right words just flowed out from my mouth. And i knew they were the words the interviewers wanted to hear because i could see the delight and smiles from them. One of them even muttered " intelligent answer " . Before i left the room, one of them said " you know its going to be very very hard for us to choose 1 from the 3 of you. Because all of you are very good" ..
I replied and said that i know. In my heart i may not know if i really got the award but one thing i do is tt i have given it my all and fought a good fight. I have no regrets because whatever it is, I would love Nursing all the same and I know God has a great destiny for me.

2005-05-24T19:58:00.000+10:00

me!

God sees the deeper issues of our hearts

2005-05-24T17:24:00.000+10:00

i just read a friend's blog entry for yesterday and it really pains my heart to hear her feel the way she do. I almost cried.Because i have been thru similar circumstances before. A verse came into my mind in Eph 3:13 Therefore i ask that you do not lose heart at my tribulations for you, which is your glory...
Acts 14:22 > ....."we must through many tribulations enter the kingdom of God" when i was going through the situation, these verses serve as reminders to me that i do not lost heart and that i must pesevere and have patience. Because in times of distress and in times of persecution or tribulation, we are still to be ministers of God. Our God is a rewarder of those who diligently kept the faith. My loved ones can help me out when i am weary but i noe tt only God can truly lift me up from any problem. God sees the deeper issues of our hearts. If God can help those who are paralysed and beyond Hope according to man, then He will surely help you. Abide in Him and He will abide in you...

God i pray that you will be in the centre of all my decisions and plans. Let me not live for the moment, let me not live or do things for the words of praises from people, let me not live or do things for my own selfish ambitions. But determine the steps that i should take and the plans that i should make. Help me Lord to discern the voice of the spirit from my own thoughts. I hear your angel speaking to me Lord, but is it really? Help me Lord to know the difference.

thank you for all that you have given me Lord. Thank you in advance for all the things you are planning for me.

We are not saved by good works but we can encourage people to get saved through our good works

2005-05-23T12:53:00.000+10:00

its a monday holiday !! doesnt feel like a holiday to me as im already on one..but im sure to many working adults its " thank God i dun have to wake up early "
I got an early morning shock. My mom was dressed beautifully this morning and i asked her where she was going. She said shes attending a church wedding. wow, tts a shocker, coz as far as im aware, my mom hasnt stepped into a church since i was in primary school. She was a christian for a few years when i was younger but apparently she went thru a rough patch and nobody helped. tt bad experience stuck in her mind since then.Maybe thats why my mom is a person who believes in herself alot, because circumstances have hardened her. In mark 3:5 > And when he had looked at them with anger, being grieved by the hardness of their hearts, He said to the man, " stretch out your hand." And he stretched it out, and his hand was restored as whole as the other. From this verse, i learnt that once a person has decided against something, it would be very difficult to change his/her opinion about it. In this verse, Jesus had to restore the man's hand before the people believed. I may not be able to perform such a miracle, but i know what i can do.Matthew 5:16 > Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven. Eph 2:10 > For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
its gonna be a good relaxing day today! Would be going to the beach with tris later. Time to experience the nature that God has made. The sounds of the sea, birds. The feel of the wind across my face. Nature here i come!

living life to our fullest ?!

2005-05-22T13:41:00.000+10:00

dear blog..
haha..the past 2 weeks have seemed busy so i havent been writing. So many things have seemed to changed (for the better) in such a short time! Im elated for my dear tristan !I'm just so so happy for him. I just read xiaoxuan's latest blog entry. She wrote about her salvation a few years ago and it reminded me about my own salvation and how time really flies. Everyday is a precious day and i am guilty of not seeing it that way all the time. Time and tide waits for no man. It strucked me a question " Am i living my life to the fullest? "
Isiah 7:13 : Then isaiah said , " hear now, you house of david! is it not enough to try the patience of men? will you try the patience of my God also?"
i have made the decision not to try the patience of God anymore. I want to obey the calling that God has made in my life. And I know through faithful prayer and reading of His word, I would live my life to the fullest that God has intended.
Sometimes i feel quite sad for some people around me who do not know God. I know that after i know God & Jesus, my life has been so positively different. Non christians can attribute all the blessings that came after i accepted Christ like my good grades, opportunities given to me, good partner and sincere friends to pure conincidences or luck. But i noe they are not so. Deuteronomy 28:2 : All these blessings will come upon you and accompany you if you obey the LORD you God. I know i still have character flaws but its a 'holy moly' mentality to think that christians are perfect people. If we are perfect, then we do not need God. If i am perfect then i can be God. Genesis 6:12 : ...For all the people on earth had corrupted their ways.
To my sistors and brother who may read this, i know im not perfect but you noe i am better and happier and calmer in face of problems then ever before. I love you all with all of my heart. And you all are always in my prayers :)

i cant sleep ..

2005-05-07T11:52:00.000+10:00

im up early today. Haha not as early as when im working at 7am , but early in view of the fact tt im not working ! im still sleepy and my eyes tired but i cant seem to sleep in! always hearing people complaining about not being able to fall asleep..and here i am complaining about not being able to sleep more..my body is orientated to waking up for work.
Occupational hazard. Thats the one thing tt i dislike about nursing ..its shift work...it can really disorientate the body clock ...
Talking about nursing..i have been crossroads. If i didnt get the scholarship, i would start working. But im not sure where to work for. Im really praying for God to show me where is the place that i can grow and mature in. ahaha the perfect place would be a place where theres no gossiping or backstabing and with non believers whom i can reach out to and believers who i can talk heart to heart with. But i know that no place is perfect, God did not give us a perfect world.He did but men chose to sin (think evil thoughts, commit adultery, gossip, slander, murder, put other Gods above Him, promiscuity etc) and since then we are in this vicious cycle of sinning and the only way to break out of it ( know what is wrong and turn away from it ie repent) is to confess our sins to Him and believe that Jesus Christ is our savior. Who else can be our God except the One who created everything natural we have here in 7 days.
okie i tend to go off point ..haha i was talking bout my work..pray for God to open up doors for me in the right place ! Raffles hospital vs NUH .

my mom going for surgery

2005-05-07T02:33:00.000+10:00

my mom has been having frequent intense gastric pains recently, so she decided instead of waiting a mth for the appt at NUH, she wld pay 5 times the amt for one with a private hospital. Expensive as it may be, it was well worth it coz the gastroscopy and colonoscopy showed positive results. A benign (non cancerous) mass of cells. Waited any longer and there may be complications. For the first time since i am born, i am about to witness my mom having to go for a surgery. She have to have her gall bladder ( produces bile to digest fats into fatty acids and is near the liver) removed. It wont be a life threatening or highly risky op but everybody noes tt every operation carries with it the risk of complications. I am worried that the op date will be during the time im in China. Ive booked the ticket and yet i wld really want to stay here to take care of her esp since im the one who knoes best about post operative care in the family. Seems like the past 6 weeks working in a surgical ward is going to be put into good use. I hope it doesnt clash . And im sure that even if it does, God is faithful to see my mom through and heal her.
tmr we r going to celebrate mother's day with her at straits kitchen. Me and tris were invited to bro edwin's and martin's holy matrimony which is abt the same timing tmr lunch time! so the original idea was tt tristan wld attend martin's (as he's part of the entourage) and i wld attend edwin's. But after learning about my mom's condition, i decided that nothin can be more impt than showing my close one that i really care and that she is not alone. Though i got many sistors and bros to accompany her, i feel that my presence wld make a difference as she can see that i put her above something else. I love nursing so much also becoz the knowledge i have really can help many people around me! Whailin recently have a back problem coupled with her long time gastric problem( many girls have gastric problems.tsktsk..).Im gonna bring her to see my GP this sunday! Hes the most sincere and knowlegeable doctor i ever met so i figured i he would give whailin good advice (as to whether to go for an xray and scope referal etc). I feel more connected to a few people in the cell group recently. Isabel, meiling and whailin. I am very thankful becoz in a united cell group, there is greater power and desire to touched each other's lives. No man is an island. A relationship with God alone is not enough.God also wants us to have good relationships with others esp our own cell group members and leader...
now for some more happy news ! i just got an email saying that MOH have shortlisted me for an interview for the MOH health science scholarship!

a day with LISA!

2005-05-02T01:37:00.000+10:00

its a sunday! and im so happy !! Just feel more blessed than usual and blessed with the good company of my very very good fren Lisa. I remember it had been quite difficult to bring her to church 3yrs ago but she came and thank God stayed and is even a cell grp helper...heheh like sis kless said, i brought many frens but many didnt stay on ...but Lisa staying represents like a 100 frens to me liao hahahah ...okok..i know tt doesnt discount the rest who didnt..be more faithful !
we went esplanade to makan sushi today ...quite good, portions r big and variety is different from sakae ! then we head to haagen daz to eat ice cream ! I had baileys( my fav for now hahaha ) and she had macademia nut ! such a macademia nut addict hahah ...had a good talk there...i always love to be in her company ...she's one of those frens whom even when we both dun talk i wont feel awkward or wierd. thou really most of the time we r talking hahah ...We both r always thinking thru things in our heads...really no man is an island ! SiS ruth reminded me of that when i overheard her on the phone yesterday! hah..she said ' we shldnt just have a relationship with God only, but we should also have relationships and fellowships with others ! " and i cant agree more. Im really thankful for wonderful loving frens and my family around me. Lisa and i also saw fireworks !!! really such a conincidence coz we were just walking out of the tunnel when the fireworks started ! so beautiful ! We both love the one where it seems like sprinkles of golden dust falling down !

rojak: a day of mixed thoughts

2005-05-01T03:28:00.001+10:00

its saturday !! today has been a fulfilling day of rest ....
woke up early and gave my little nephew some coaching on his maths, english and spelling then tris and i went to clementi market to eat the popular newton niang dou fu ..realli shiok ! then we went wet market buy the ingredients for the fujian mian for his aunt to cook for cg refreshments ! hahah i definately need to go to the wet market more often ...losing touch >> meaning i try to avoid the puddles of water which is such a common thing in wet markets and felt groused when the uncle who took the sotongs w his hands used the same hands to gimme my change..hahaha ! absolutely behaving like a person who cant take hardship ..haiz...cant be so gu niang ..hehe..i used to go often with my mom and help her carry bags of chicken etc but as i grew up the visits with her became less....looks like i better help her more now....
in the afternoon went to my fren's home to discuss our china trip with a few other frens...hehe we ended up talking all bout nursing plus the china trip at the end. Really very thankful that i can go on this trip with them ! my good fren geokchoo whos realli like a mom to me is really into making sure we go to all the fun places. plus my china frens r making sure we get to eat all the good food plus eat the china original fish balls and dumplings !! Im so excited !!
Cell group was really a touch from heaven ! and i really do agree tt God is always around but whether we feel his presence or not is really a matter of choice. I remember when i was a younger christian, i have the tendency to let my mind wander during worship so i only felt the presence of God on very few occasions. Now as times go by , i really come to realize how impt it is for me to focus on God during praise and worship becoz only then we r allowing God to enter into our hearts and speak to us. I really love the presence of God ! Its the only time when i feel totally vulnerable , the only time when i feel totally released from all my daily burdens of the world, the only time when i can let my tears fall and yet its ok...